Sunday, December 30, 2007
1. Read 5 non fiction books not related to infertility
2. Read 3 classic books
3. See 1 play
4. Eat Indian Food
5. Work on my Lifestyle goals for 2008 (Posted at 3 fat chicks)
6. Read Intuitive Eating
7. See 12 movies in the theatre
8. Go to the Planetarium
9. Go to the Burpee Museum
10. See Blue Man Group
11. Redo backyard landscaping
12. Volunteer at 2 events
13. Finish the kitchen
14. Install doors on the laundry
15. Make the 3rd bedroom liveable space of some sort
16. Read 3 Biographies not related to Infertility
17. Go to at least one agency introduction meeting
18. Attend 6 consecutive Sundays at the Church in town we have wanted to try
19. Refinish deck or decide to build new one and actually do it
20. Go to Oklahoma for Memorial Day
Updated items added
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Right now I am just working on how to improve my attitude and let things go so that 2008 can be a great year.
Happy New Year!!!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Sometime between now and Monday I need to write up at least one report for work... it is due to the bank on Monday so it must get done.
We still have to run and get gifts that we are picking up for others---not just for ourselves are we behind. I actually have more done than I thought but the house never got decorated and even the outside didn't get as much as was planned. Oh well... it is just one year.
The scale was nicer to me today than it has been so if I can keep control... I might be able to say that the damage is much less than I thought or maybe even no damage at all. All I can do is try right? I won't avoid things I want right now but I don't have to go out of my way to get Chips and Guacamole at Taco Fresco between now and January 1st right?
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I'm holding out hope that by the end of this pack the daily spot will be over... if not gone by the middle of week 2 in pack 4, I'm calling the nurse. The only reason I am waiting that long is that all over the Internet you find advice that it takes 3 full months to get it together sometimes.
It's been a rough year... thank goodness it is over in 11 days and 3 hours.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Part of it is that I am still sick but haven't felt that I have had the time to run to the doctor (even though it would be the convienent care clinic, not the actual dr since I want to switch). Part of it is that DH is still in pain quite often... along with all the other stress dealing with surgery recovery. Up until last night we had barely 15% of our Christmas shopping completed but that was remedied at Target... however, all those gifts are for the weekend after Christmas so... I still have to find the gifts for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day! As usual, we aren't shopping for each other so that kind of bums me out but at the same time is a bit of a blessing this year. Work has been insanely busy but mainly by one client that was assigning stuff directly to me. Okay so due to my good turnaround rate they decided to completely overload me and now I won't have much work from them for a few days/weeks because my turnaround now stinks since they sent over 10 orders to be done in 3 days. That is pretty hard to do with trying to manage my other orders, take care of my personal stuff, and I don't know...sleep?
My eating has been eh... some days out of control, some days I didn't eat much. Some days I just make bad choices... yesterday I ate a bunch of chips and guacamole... yummy but I didn't need all that I ate.
Anyhow... Today I am off to bake cookies and then later on attend a graduation party. Tomorrow is the actual graduation and sometime before Monday morning I need to work a whole bunch. Fun weekend! :)
Have fun shopping!
Saturday, December 08, 2007
He was in rough shape on Thursday. Friday was a bit better and today is even better
so far. Quite a bit more pain than he anticipated. The pain pills didn't work so great on Thursday and Friday but seem to be helping now. He is taking two every four hours... I just hope that they let me refill it today because otherwise he will miss a few doses before the pharmacy opens in the morning. I am going to wait to call it in until noon and go from there.
Anyhow... that is what I know. Neither one of us is sleeping in greater than 3 hour increments right now. I did sleep a bit more last night and a bit better because I went upstairs and he eventually followed me. That did help but I still don't really want to do much :) and I am the healthy one!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
This is the third time that he is going under general anesthesia this year. Some how he has caught up to me (over 7 years) in less than 12 months time. A bit scarey but if this eases his pain at all... it will be worth it.
Prayers, healthy vibes, all the good stuff appreciated.
Friday, November 30, 2007
The ones in bold I've seen beginning to end, whereas the ones with an asterisk* I've only seen portions of. I've read the book version of only 1... The English Patient and that would be in italics... if I didn't already have an intalicized font .
2006 The Departed
2004 Million Dollar Baby
2003 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2001 A Beautiful Mind
1999 American Beauty--- This one is sitting on top of the tv from netflix as I type
1998 Shakespeare in Love*
1996 The English Patient
1994 Forrest Gump
1993 Schindler's List
1991 Silence of the Lambs
1990 Dances with Wolves
1989 Driving Miss Daisy
1988 Rain Man
1987 The Last Emperor
1985 Out of Africa
1983 Terms of Endearment
1981 Chariots of Fire
1980 Ordinary People
1979 Kramer Vs. Kramer
1978 The Deer Hunter
1977 Annie Hall
1975 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
1974 The Godfather Part II *
1973 The Sting
1972 The Godfather *
1971 The French Connection
1970 Patton *
1969 Midnight Cowboy
1967 In the Heat of the Night
1966 A Man for All Seasons
1965 The Sound of Music
1964 My Fair Lady
1963 Tom Jones
1962 Lawrence of Arabia
1961 West Side Story
1960 The Apartment
1957 The Bridge on the River Kwai
1956 Around the World in 80 Days *
1954 On the Waterfront
1953 From Here to Eternity
1952 The Greatest Show on Earth
1951 An American in Paris
1950 All About Eve
1949 All the King's Men
1947 Gentleman's Agreement
1946 The Best Years of Our Lives
1945 The Lost Weekend
1944 Going My Way
1942 Mrs. Miniver
1941 How Green Was My Valley
1939 Gone With the Wind
1938 You Can't Take It With You
1937 The Life of Emile Zola
1936 The Great Ziegfeld
1935 Mutiny on the Bounty
1934 It Happened One Night
1932 Grand Hotel
1930 All Quiet on the Western Front
1929 The Broadway Melody
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Because to me, my life, seems to be doing nothing. I don't feel I have a purpose since I am not building a future. I want so much to be Thankful for what I have and what I am right now but I don't know how because of the wall that bitterness has built around me.
Hopefully, I can figure out a way to break that wall... but right now, I can't even see thru it.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Thursday, November 08, 2007
I used 5 chicken breasts (one whole package of large ones) and we ended up with 2 big bowls each, 1 leftover portion each, and a half gallon ice cream container full in the freezer. The recipe says that it is 9 servings for the original recipe but I think that I got at least an additional 2 with the extra veggies.
Check it out...
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
So... I think I can hang in there, even if he ends up staying extra days.
Friday, November 02, 2007
In our area, most of the suburbs use the same water source as the big metropolitan area. Our community though is still on community wells. We are located near a river and have several community wells that are still producing water on a pretty regular basis. In fact, this last summer we didn't even have watering restrictions that were published so the tanks must have been fuller than the year before. Even thru the worst of it, our water restrictions were loose compared to other towns.
We aren't so great at conserving water around here... but we do try. I turn off the faucet when brushing my teeth or washing up. We don't water the lawn but we do water the bushes, flowers, and trees if necessary.
Does this situation concern you? What methods do you use to conserve water?
Thursday, November 01, 2007
I ate way too many tootsie rolls and carmels yesterday. I have offered the remainder of the candy to a woman looking to fill some pinantas on freecycle but of course she didn't respond. She asked before trick or treating was over but you would think that she would have checked her email after it was over. I didn't know if I was going to have left overs. I have 2 boxes of lollipops to go back to Sam's club today. I can't eat them anyways because of the evil food colorings!
Today starts a new challenge and hopefully this time I will do a bit better. The challenge that ended today I only succeeded on not buying candy or opening it before Halloween. Yay! I showed a gain this morning but with the amount of candy I ate yesterday I am not surprised at all. Most likely it will be gone in a few days but only if I work on lowering my carbs... blah! I wish I really liked meat.
Anyhow! Im off to get some water.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
In the beginning of Chapter 4, Elinor finds it difficult to look at a newborn and its mother in the seat next to her. She says she isn't so much sad that she can't have a baby of her own but that she can't give her husband a child. Do you find your infertility more painful because of your desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth or because of your desire to see your spouse as a father?
I would have to say that it has more to due with the desire to see DH as a dad then the actual pregnant part of it. I never really wanted to get pregnant until I wanted to have "his" child. Adoption had always been the prominent choice in my head until that moment that some natural desire came over me to procreate with my husband. It doesn't really make it any easier but as I continue to remind myself that the goal is to parent, not necessarily be pregnant, the pain seems to lessen until the next person gets pregnant most likely.
I feel like the author was trying to show all sides of these complicated relationships, wanting you to sympathize with Elinor, Ted, Gina and Toby. Did you find yourself able to sympathize, or at least not dislike, all of these characters?
Definitely, even though Ted's behavior was out of line, I still found myself wanting his marriage to ride out the difficult times. Toby, well, I liked him. Winston definitely portrayed a confused 10 year old and one that is a bit offbeat at the same time. Gina and Elinor seemed to be polar opposites and they were both interesting in their unique way.
Elinor's thought on page 47 really struck me: "When Elinor was paying attention to her career, she should have been paying attention to her biological clock. When she was paying attention to her biological clock, she should have been paying attention to her husband." It made me wonder: Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? Are you?
No, I don't think I am paying attention to what I should be. I should be focusing on losing weight, exercising, and getting involved in the community. Yet, I am paralyzed in all ways to do anything about any of it. I let work overrun my schedule so that I don't have time to work out or to volunteer. I run out of the house without preplanning my food for the road. So, no, I am not paying attention to what I should be paying attention to and my dh gets the backlash of anger based on the disappointment from not doing what I know I should be doing instead of what I am doing. I have to focus on my health though... If I don't, pregnancy will never be an option and I won't live as long as I could.
Elinor takes up laundry and Ted works on the hutch. What new hobbies did you pick up or abandon during treatments?
I wish... I have some hobby items stored away that never get worked on. I have a gym membership that is rarely used. I wish that those activities would take the mind into a different direction. I will say that I have immersed myself in books and movies though at times when the angst has been too great to do much else.
How did you feel about Toby? Do you think he manipulated the situation too much? Was it strange to you that Ted was willing to be a father figure to Toby, but did not want to talk about adoption with Elinor?
I thought that Toby was a typical 10 year old that was a bit out of the mainstream. He got tossed into a situation that he didn't want to be in. He was feeling rejection from his father and step mom since they basically kicked him out and sent him to live with Gina, who he did not really like. Toby didn't seem to really like anything about his mother or her life. I think that part of it was typical preteen behavior but part of it was that he thought she could do better and he was grabbing at that with Ted. He knew that even though Ted was married he was the best choice that Gina had made in dating over the past several attempts.
With the exception of the mall scene for the Tutoring interview, I really didn't feel that he was manipulating anything. I think that any kid, who really wanted better for both himself and his mom, probably would have done the same.
I really didn't find it too odd that Ted was willing to be a mentor to Toby and wasn't all that thrilled with the thought of adoption. The process of adoption is very invasive just like other fertility treatments. Tutoring and mentoring Toby was just something that could fill time and would keep him close to Gina, who I think in the end, he was really in love with even though he still loved Elinor.
Intrigued by the idea of a book tour? Jump on in for the next one. Sign up at Stirrup Queens for the next tour discussing The Handmaid's Tale All you need is a book and a blog!
Monday, October 29, 2007
I think I am in a bit of a better place with taking the BCP pill than I was 16 days ago but it still isn't my preferred plan. But, well, I have a lot of work to do on myself so I need this time.
The whole idea of stringing 14 good days together has failed several weeks in a row so I think I am going to give up on that. I am working on developing a challenge to get through the holidays.
That's my update... for what it is worth.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Anyways, he received the first movie that he chose last week and we watched it last night. He chose Cypher. It was interesting to say the least. I will admit that I did fall asleep for a short while but I think that was just my energy level, not the movie. If you like spy movies or techie thrillers you might be interested in this movie.
Here is the link:
Monday, October 22, 2007
I couldn't fit celery in the pot with all the other stuff and I am definitely missing the flavor but that is okay. It is more important that I used the veggies in the fridge before they were rotten :) .
I started with a bit of olive oil, 3 cloves of garlic chopped, and a medium onion. I added in some leftover chopped red onion, most of a head of cabbage, most of a head of cauliflower, most of a bag of carrot chips, and a half bag of frozen collard greens. Then I poured in some pearl barley and 5 cans of "Fit ~N~ Active" chicken broth. Black pepper, Mrs dash original, parsley, and Italian seasoning were added throughout the cooking process and now... it is just simmering away. There is definitely a lack of broth, normally I use 6 cans but I only had room for 5.
It came out pretty yummy but still, I'm missing the celery.
Now if I can just stop nibbling on it...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Here are a few other links on green burial:
What is an Eco-Cemetary?
What are your burial traditions?
Friday, October 12, 2007
They aren't the greatest thoughts.
Leave your husband, he deserves better... you can't give him what he wants so let someone else do it.
You might as well just binge, you will always be fat anyways since your body is so screwy, just overeat... food will fill the hole.
Your worthless... you can't even do the basic biological thing a woman is built to do.
Take the birth control... you know you will never be pregnant anyways... heck, a stroke would be good punishment for you
You have never wanted to be pregnant anyways before... why can't you just accept what you have always known, adoption is your option This is true, I only wanted to become pregnant when I decided that I wanted to give my husband--his child that would look up to me with his eyes I hoped.
Your child is waiting for you at Lifelink!
This last one has been in my head for almost a year... where my mind comes up with this stuff I only wish I knew. When it first started running through my head, I hadn't thought of lifelink since High school. In my senior year, I declared that I would never actually get pregnant, I was going to adopt. I didn't want to be pregnant and I felt "called" to adopt anyhow. So it worked. I wish I still had that level of faith that I did then. I wish I still had that support system to fall back on but I don't... I lost my faith awhile ago. I doubt I will ever find it again.
I am going off to find a way to quiet the voices in my head for a bit. Shopping sounds good!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
My problem is that I don't usually have a problem getting my period, with the exception of when I was on metformin, but that sometimes it comes too often now. I didn't realize until I talked to her that it was coming every 12 to 14 days instead of every 30. She also wants me to start YAZ again but to watch my diet and exercise while I am on it.
I have really mixed feeling about being on the birth control pill. On one hand I totally understand that unless my hormones get under control, I could attempt to lose weight until I am blue in the face and it won't happen. I know that I am not healthy enough to deal with a pregnancy. But on the other hand.... I want to be pregnant, not preventing it.
I need to face the reality... naturally and not naturally, I will never be a mother... it just isn't in the cards for me.
The money and the support for adoption just isn't there, so no, it is not an option.
My husband would make such a good dad... I hate that because of me... he won't get the opportunity.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Approximately 1lb extra lean ground beef (95-97%)
1 large onion (less if you aren't an onion fan)
3/4 to a full red bell pepper
1.5 cups sliced mushrooms (more or less if you don't like mushrooms)
2 small cans tomato sauce
1 tbls minced garlic
3 shakes Worcester sauce (about 3 tbls)
2 shakes chipolte Tabasco sauce (about 2tsps)
Black pepper to taste
spray skillet with nonstick spray such as pam. Start to sweat the onions and the garlic out. After a few minutes add the ground beef and break it up into small chunks. Add the bell pepper and mushrooms. When the meat is cooked, if desired, drain and rinse (I didn't do this because there wasn't a whole lot of drippings in the pan). Add black pepper to your taste, tomato sauce, Worcester sauce, and chipolte sauce. Mix well and then let it simmer until the sauce thickens up to your desired thickness and the onions are cooked through.
Serve over whole grain bun/bread of your choice.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
I did finish Dying for Chocolate By Diane Mott Davidson and I was glad that I picked up the second in the series. It had some interesting recipes in it and was an interesting plot. In the end, I hadn't even thought about that story line as an option so I always enjoy a mystery that keeps me surprised. If you like easy reading mysteries... start with Catering for Nobody and then if you enjoy it, move on to this. Although... it would definately be readable without reading the first one, which is always nice too.
Ok, Blog silence for a bit... back when I have some news or something good to say.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Anyhow, I'm Reed Fish was an interesting movie that in a way reminded me of Northern Exposure. I don't think this film got released nationally but it was worth watching. If you like movies about small town, every day life, with a few eccentric characters than most likely you will enjoy this film.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
I used to be a big fan of The Biggest Loser but a lot of times, it would work against my motivation instead of enhancing it. Since I have been really down lately on my weight and lack of progress, watching the teams fight it out in such an overexercising lifestyle, is not a good idea.
Maybe... naw, there are no exercises classes that I can do at the gym but I guess I could plan a long workout for Tuesday nights.
HAHAHA! That would mean that I would have to exercise and get to the gym.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I kept a record for the first week and only had breakfast twice with DH. Both of those started off pretty rocky. Otherwise, we had breakfast together twice more the entire month. The first attempt out of the gate happened to be on a day that he was really cranky and he had a hissy fit just as we were sitting down to eat. This put a big damper on even trying again but I did. We had a pleasant breakfast a few days later while we were getting ready for work. Otherwise one breakfast attempt was out and it was ruined by both of our cranky moods for the day. I believe that we had another breakfast at home that was short but calm.
Friday, September 28, 2007
I have to say, I wish that they would have ended it last season. It would have been a nice closure to end it with the wedding and the ER being closed... but no, they had to pull it back in. Now how are they going to end it?
I wasn't impressed with Stanley Tucci as the new chief. Not that he is a bad actor, I just don't think I am going to like or like to hate his character. This premiere was fast paced and heart wrenching. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore to continue with the heartwrenching ER when there isn't an original character left, unless there is a nurse--maybe Chuni or Connie but that is it.
Anyhow... it was good, made me cry, but... I can't pledge that I am going to continue to watch it because I really wanted it to end with the wedding.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Then the rest of the fun began. I ran downstairs to get blood drawn and had a comedian for a lab tech. He thinks I should watch the movie "shooter". He highly recommends it. He didn't like the second Bourne movie and hasn't seen the third yet but really liked the first. He was goofy and acted the way I believe my husband would if he did that for a living.
Next stop was scheduling the ultrasound which I couldn't make the appointment that they wanted for me but I do have it scheduled for Friday in the afternoon. I almost panicked and put work first because the owners are going out of town and leaving that day. The last time they both were going out of town for the weekend I was sitting in the hospital with dh for his eye surgery so I am not batting a thousand here but hopefully they will be running on time and it should only take an hour or so. Maybe less...
She is looking for the reason why my periods are coming two weeks apart. I didn't really think that my midcycle spotting was really a period but she said that what I described was definitely a period flow and not just spotting. I did tell her that I spot all the time with abdominal exercise/work, intercourse, just about anything including bowel movements. Why I have right sided back and pelvic pain and some hormone abnormalities. Oh yea, and she is looking inside the uterus for uh... precancerous and cancerous cells. Joy.
Hopefully by the end of next week we will know it all!
I haven't been back to see my endo because going to his office is stressful. He is in the same practice as my GP right now and their office personnel are just annoying. I have received the wrong refill of meds at least 3 times and everything is a big drama. If I need bloodwork paperwork it is just the end of the world. It is stressful just thinking about making the appt and having to go so guess what? I haven't gone. I need to switch but work has been so crazy it has been hard to find five minutes in the workday let alone the 15 or more I would need to go through all the new patient questions and such. What about right now you say? Aaa well, it is 5:30am and no dr's office I know is open now.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
On to the questions, There were many thought provoking questions to choose from which is great but I am limited on time so I only chose three:
Is the way Emilia quantifies loss similar or dissimilar to what we all tend to do? (i.e. her reactions to the miscarriages of a friend and the number of names on a heart of another participant at the walk) Why or why don't we do this?
I think that Emilia is reacting that way that many people do. In my opinion, Emilia's view of others pain was tainted by her belief that she smothered her child.
Everyone of us will most likely believe, in the height of our grief, that our loss is the worst in the world. It is... in our own personal world. Reality is that each loss that a person experiences is at that moment or that period of time, the worst thing that they have gone through. Does it mean that a person who experiences a miscarriage and the loss of the hope of life that goes with it is any less hurt than the woman who has lost her child to preterm birth or the woman that experiences a SIDS death? I don't think so because each of us only has our own rose colored glasses to look through.Yes, we can sympathize and empathize but until it has happened to us, we just don't know the degree of pain.
I do think that some people feel that their pain supersedes others but is it right? I don't think so. Pain is pain, and loss is loss. Yes, there are degrees of loss and some do impact our lives more than others but at one point in every event, we are all experiencing the same loss of hope and level of pain.
Emilia obviously deals with some self-destructive tendencies. Can you relate to her feelings? Have you dealt with self-destructive feelings on your journey to parenthood?
The feeling of failure can be overwhelming at times. Yes, I have acted out in a self destructive manner many times over the last four years. I have a variety of methods... binge eating, drinking in excess, being a awful wife in many ways, and withdrawal from others. The worst days I attempt to soothe myself with all of them. I have found that it doesn't help and makes things worse but it is in and of itself a vicious circle that leads to more self destructive behavior.
Emilia describes in great detail her feelings of guilt regarding Isabel's death. For those of you who have experienced loss, did you feel responsible in some way? How did you handle those feelings?
My situation is unique in that I did not know that I was pregnant when I miscarried. I did not even realize at the time that I was miscarrying. By the time things got sorted out it was long after the fact and the certainty is questionable. The symptoms were there, the timing was right, but I didn't test until after the "weird period with a passing of a large amount of tissue" had occurred. I believe that what I experienced was a miscarriage. More than one doctor has alluded to it but no one has ever come out and said yes... that is what happened. They can't, I get that but others believe that since doctors never said it, it wasn't true. Whatever I experienced, I do feel responsible. I do feel that I am the reason we are childless. On the day that the event occurred, I had overexerted myself for several hours. If I could go back in time, I never would have completed the activity that I did. The money that I received for that day of strenuous work is not worth the pain, hurt, and agony that I have gone through since that time. Yes... I believe that I am responsible for the fact that we don't have a three year old child right now and I don't handle those feelings well. I turn to my self soothing, yet, destructive behaviors and have had many moments of tears, agony, and self defeating thoughts. With time, it gets better but at the same time, this whole journey is tainted by the thoughts that I killed our chance of hope. I keep these feelings to myself... because I am the only one that believes this happened to me. When we are "trying", I am overcautious in the 2WW period of my cycle. I don't want to have to face the feelings of responsibility again if I can help it.
Now head on over to the book tour hub and check out the other blogs participating in this discussion.Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #7 (Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston) and all are welcome to join along
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The first photos are of cicada casings. Several areas around here were saturated with them at the beginning of the summer. We didn't really notice them around here except I did find some of their skins/casings when I was gardening. It is very possible that we (DH or I) transported them from another town. I have noticed in spots where there were a lot of cicadas this year, there are lots of other bugs singing all the time. I'm starting to wonder if they are still around but in smaller quantities.
Does anyone know what type of caterpillar or bug this is?
Edited to add: I don't just think that I liked my kodaks better. I know that I did. I usually buy low end cameras because I drop them all time. This last time I went camera shopping, I couldn't find a Kodak camera for less than $175. Not bad but at the same time, I drop my camera all the time. The last few cameras I have had have been Kodaks and they usually survive quite a few "oops" moments. This last time I somehow got my camera caught in the doorjam of my car and when it fell out it smashed the LCD screen. It still took good pictures but I can't use a camera without a LCD screen due to the nature of my picture taking on most days. I am just disappointed in this camera because the pictures that I use the zoom function on don't seem to come out well at all. I didn't have that problem with any of my previous cameras. Kodak or off brand. Blah!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Many times since 9/11 and Katrina I have thought about how I would have felt if these events had occurred closer to home. I don't have an answer. I hope I never have an answer. I still remember the emotions invoked on 9/11/01 and the days after. The bright lining was the birth of a very special young boy in our life a few days later. I experienced similar emotions after Katrina. I refuse to relate these emotions to other facets of my life right now because in the grand scheme of things, my problems are of little consequence. All day yesterday, I just felt not right. Things didn't go right and I felt like I was never in the right place. I can't place myself in others shoes but yesterday must have been a hard day for many others.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Babysitting went well. Only 1 meltdown and a stubbed toe. Everything else was a blast. Mom and Dad enjoyed the time away and we got to pretend we were parents. Came home and napped for a bit and then had to run and do our regular weekend errands.
Work has been crazy and it still is so not much else
Monday, September 03, 2007
I ate too much and now I am feeling it but I am not going to complain. Tomorrow is a new day and I need to figure out what my plan will be. I am down, depressed a bit, and trying not to console myself with food or drink. I am unsure of what can be accomplished during the rest of the year house wise and medical wise. I am overwhelmed by the number of phone calls that I really need to make. I don't know how to help a family member that really needs help. I am afraid of setting goals because I never meet them. I am worried...
Can it be Friday again please?
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Needless to say, I haven't strung too many good days together lately. But I did get some reading done!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The symbol that this blog circle uses is called a blog stone. It is simply (o). The creator of symbol was inspired by the tradition of leaving a stone at a grave site to let others know that they were there.
I wonder if there would be a symbol that would be appropriate for Infertility? Something that would say, I am here, I am sending you strength, and the words have been said or are fleeting.
Just a thought.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Well, right now, good would be a day that includes at least 15 minutes of exercise, doesn't include a hamburger or fried food of any variety, and of which I feel good about at the end of the day. 14 days, doesn't seem to hard... yet, it has seemed impossible this year.
I posted a new ticker in the upper corner.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Saturday, August 04, 2007
For those of you looking for info on the almond tin... it is great. The almonds were good and the tin is cute and handy. I don't know that I would pay the shipping fee on it but it is handy. Here is the link
I know there are a few more and fortunately (or is that unfortunately?) I don't get some of the wacko search strings that many bloggers do.
Have a happy weekend!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Our neighborhood is a good neighborhood, don't get me wrong, but I would gather that there are several people who's credit is questionable. Yet again, there are lots of people that most likely have wonderful credit... my question is did they pick their victims or did they just randomly take recycleables? Our neighbor kitty corner to us had her bin emptied also... but it was after we discovered ours. DH went out and looked up and down the street. No one else at the time had their bin emptied. I guess we should have called the police.
Updated:You can place a fraud alert online at experian.com/fraud. Supposedly once you alert one of the agencies, the others are notified. Hopefully that is accurate as I tried to place fraud alerts with the other two first using their automated systems but neither of them went thru. Ugh..
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
My mother points out that wakes/visitations/shivas whatever you call them in your family/social group are a part of life. She is absolutely correct. However, must we attend the wake of every individual we know and/or love? Occasionally, I think that not seeing the dead body might be a good thing. Some people need a visual for closure. I don't always need that. I got thru a major death without that visual. It was hard but I wasn't given the choice, the choice was made for me. I had to trust that people were telling the truth and yes, that person was dead. In this case I have the choice, yet, I am making the choice that some people will determine to be socially inexplicable.
I am not going to the wake because I am selfish. I don't want the last image, the one that will always be the first recalled in most situations, to be the image of her in the casket. I don't want to see the impact that cancer took on her. I have been informed of it during her last battle... I don't want the visual to go with the images that are already in my imagination. Selfish, yes, it is. I want to remember the lively, funny, caring, strong, beautiful woman the way that she was... alive. I already have regrets that any children I may be blessed with won't know her.
In this circumstance, I have decided, that I am okay with being selfish. I made sure that my mother didn't feel that she needed me to be there. I will see many people tomorrow that are no longer a daily fixture in my life... not many are regulars in my life anymore and that is something that I need to work on. But... today, I am only thinking about myself. This decision has been heartwrenching and that still is okay because I don't want to ever be easily selfish.
Dora Rare definately lives up to her last name. She is a rare character that makes you believe that you are right in her life. Definately worth a read if you enjoy historical fiction or reading about women.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
|You scored as Psychology/Sociology, You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Psychology, Sociology, or related majors (e.g., Counseling, Industrial-Organizational (I-O) Psychology, Social Work, or other social science majors).|
It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.
Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Psychology and Sociology are both great minors to add to any major. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.
WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
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Sunday, July 22, 2007
He didn't know who the Fantastic Four were. He has never read or watched Little House on the Prairie. He has never been the to the Sears tower--okay, this is one of the things I take for granted that everyone has experienced.
There are so many others and each one just serves as a reminder that everyone is different. Even if you think that they should feel, be, act, do, think, speak, the same.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
I have posted when I am struggling, which, to be perfectly honest has been this whole year. I don't like to focus on successes because they so easily disappear as was the case in September of last year. Mostly, I just lurk and try to comment when it seems appropriate. When someone is struggling, it takes a lot of courage to tell the world. But at the same time, when someone succeeds, they usually don't want to jinx it.
Some of the support systems that I use are message boards. But like most things, you only get out of it what you put in. When I am struggling I pull away for posting. I don't ever stop reading...well I shouldn't say that. I do stop reading when I am so far down in the hole that nothing is going to pull me back up. Normally, I am able to keep myself toddling along well enough that I don't get to that point.
As I posted last week, I am struggling, and I still can't get it together. I do great for part of the day and then lose it. Or I start out cruddy, get better, and then lose it again. I just can't figure out what was different about last summer. I know it wasn't exercise. I know that I was taking a different med but I wasn't always taking it. I know that I was counting carbs... and I think I am just going to have to succumb to doing this again. It is such a pain but... I need to get back to that place where I would do whatever it takes. Is there a map someone can send me?
Friday, July 20, 2007
Has anyone tried it yet? Is it worth it?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Personally, I have never picked up anything on Freecycle. There is one item that is listed right now but I don't know that I want to go thru the hassle of picking it up. How bad is that...LOL.
If you don't freecycle...maybe you should. You can freecycle things that you might put in the garabage instead of donating. You can freecycle almost anything in most groups including pets. Check it out there are groups all over the world!
Monday, July 16, 2007
If you were participating in an open adoption, what are the top three questions you would ask the birth mother?
Hmm... I think I would ask pretty basic questions:
1. Why are you putting the child up for adoption?
2. How much contact do you want?
3. Any special talents and/or conditions in either family to watch for?
Savage refers to children in foster care as "damaged goods." How did you react to this? Did you find it offensive or an honest way of expressing why people choose to adopt a newborn rather than a waiting child?
This reference did disturb me when I first read it. After completing the book, I understand his need for using that term. One only has to search on Adopt US Kids briefly to learn that there are very few children that don't have at least minor special needs in any category. My husband and I have been struggling with this decision. In some ways, we feel, that this is an opportunity to take the less traveled road and do some good but on the other hand, it might be easier just to not have to face a difficult situation. Savage's comments about not wanting to "start parenting at a disadvantage" and later on about wanting to start with an even playing field even if there was no guarantee really hit home. I think that many people realize that even with adopting an infant, there is still a chance that something is wrong or may end up wrong later on. However, only with an older child are you 90% certain that some issue will have to be addressed from the beginning. Reality is that everyone has issues and most of them stem from something in childhood. No matter how hard a parent tries, their child will not always be the perfect image of their dreams. However, it does take a special kind of strength to step out of the expected and face the difficult reality.
I think that his comments are an honest portrayal of the children in state care and what many people think about dealing with the issues that these children have.
On p. 164, Dan is terrified of bringing baby items into the house before the adoption is finalized. Will you (or did you) bring items into the house before a birth or an adoption?
Actually, I have changed my opinion on this. Before, I was pro shower, pro preparation. These days... honestly, I think the only thing we will do if we are ever blessed with a child is to clean and paint the room that they would be using and buy a car seat if the child is an infant/toddler. Obviously, we may need to change that theory when it gets closer but I don't want a nursery/child's room all done up and then suffer a loss of any kind. Even if we somehow manage to get pregnant, I don't really want a shower until after the fact. I had changed my opinion before reading the book but I understood where Dan was coming from with that point.
What do you think DJ will think when he reads this book down the line?
I think that if DJ reads the book when he is older it will solidify his understanding of his parents. If he reads it when he is old enough to be considering children, I think that he will understand that his own fears are common. The book doesn't, in my humble opinion, portray anything negative about the process or his fathers feelings about him. There is the part about not feeling bonded right away but if you think of it in a typical Mother/Father situation, I think that a lot of fathers feel the same way at first. But, I don't feel that it should be a contention point if he reads it since I am sure that by now there is a definite bond believe the two.
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Love, and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman (with author participation!).
I am holding on by a thread to not binge. I don't want to sit here and drown my sorrows in food. I don't want to bury my anger in ice cream. This is so different than it has been in the past. But I am still struggling. I still am stopping for fast food when I could go home and eat veggies and fruit. I am choosing foods that are not good for my insulin level when I know that I shouldn't be. I am not taking my meds the way that I should be.
All of these things are adding up to no success. As of this morning, I am sitting at 4.5lbs over my January 1st weigh in. That is 18lbs over my lowest weight from last September. I can't blame all of it on hormones... but the desire is there. I need to find my MOJO again and I don't know where it is... I don't know where to look.
Part of the problem is that I am so afraid of having to find a bathroom when I am out on appointments so I don't always eat when I should. This makes it harder to stay on plan. I did find a breakfast that fills me up for awhile... so maybe I will stick with that and see how it goes. Sounds crazy to let bathroom locations dictate your eating habits but I don't know what else to do. I was doing okay when I was taking my pills on a regular basis but then I would eat too many carbs and things would not be good.
Updated: I did take my pills as required today, however, I ate way too much garlic bread at dinner and had a carb fest in the afternoon. One of these days it will all flow the way it should.
The premise of the movie that a professional has a one night stand with a stoner type guy without a job. She gets "knocked up" and then it goes through how they get to know each other through the pregnancy and the birth.
It was a funny movie, I would definately see it again.
Although, it is kind of ironic that my period showed up right after but hey... such is my luck of the draw.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
We went through the big freezer yesterday after finally being able to get to it for the first time since april. We have to throw out a bunch of stuff which stinks. Some of it was the cookie doughs we bought for various fund raisers. Guess I am doing better on not baking than I thought :) We had to throw out a whole bag of chicken breasts which stink because we would have eaten those had we moved them to the small freezer during the remodeling or after. They go bad next week but are full of ice crystals so I am not going to bother. I also forgot that I had bought Sugar Free cool whip and well, into the trash it goes without trying it since it is long out of date. I wonder if I should keep a list on the fridge of what is in the big freezer? It might help to make sure that things get used up accordingly.
Anyhow, there are lots of frozen veggies in both freezers. We have mahi mahi fillets and tilipia fillets. Looks like we will be eating a lot of fish in the next few weeks. At least, I can cook it on the foreman!
Gotta get back to work!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
DH mowed the lawn and did pull a lot of weeds but there are still a ton left in the back yard and he didn't pull the front yard yet. Don't get me started on that because it was weed free 2 weeks ago and now it is a mess again. I wish I knew what to use so that they didn't come back.
As we go along on this working weekend, our already page long list is getting longer. I have a list of 5 or 6 phone calls to make about work that needs to be done. Most of it, the kind that we don't have the money for but need to get estimates so that we can figure it out. I really just want to move. Moving would be so much easier than dealing with all of the items that need to be done on the house. If it didn't feel like we had already done so much to the house then I might feel differently but I don't think that we realized quite how much work needed to be done when we bought this house. Keeping up with the regular cleaning is hard enough, let alone all the things that need to be done to make it beautiful. However, we do have a goal but I don't know that we will ever reach it.
To have everything done so that the house is only 2 weeks out from being listable What does that mean? I am not quite sure but I know that the big projects need to be done. The siding is the one that is boggling my mind right now. The dye is running off of it. If you rub up against the house you get a big green mark on you. Not good. It is ruining the window casings that we just replaced but hopefully they can be cleaned off.
Gotta run and get back to work!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Thank you for not smoking... not the great movie that everyone said it was in my opinion anyways. Guess dh agrees on this one.
Anyhow... surviving and trying to stay positive instead of whining.
Hope everyone has a productive weekend.
Friday, July 06, 2007
The reason that I believe that it effects him is that the fight of the year always occurs on these occasions. After the fight of the year occurs then, of course, we must discuss how we can't be parents since we have such negative reactions to silly things. How could we deal with the antics of a child if (fill in stupid reason here) effects us to the point of being so angry that we have the fight of the year? Then the revelation of "well, if we really wanted to be parents we would be doing more about it right now", nevermind that the money we had saved for the next step in whatever direction had to go to remodeling the kitchen and we now have an empty bank account for the next step. Then, of course, comes the discussion of how we must just not have the same goals anymore since it seems we really don't feel the same way about this struggle. Obviously, we aren't on the same path since it doesn't appear that we are equally effected by (fill in anything related to TTCing and children in general). After all that and much tears... well, then we still end up not doing XYZ or at least not together.
All of this, really makes it hard to appreciate the holidays and the special occassions in our lives. However, this 4th one thing did get decided. I just don't have it in me to rise above my desires and wants for a family. I don't have the strength that it takes to grieve that loss for the rest of my life. While I know that there are many benefits to living child free, such as there would be much more money to be directed into things that we want. To be perfectly honest, I don't care about that. I want to be called mommy. I want to be the family on the train to the Cubs game. I want to have to figure out how to deal with life when I have puke in my hair. I don't know why... it just is, and it can't be denied. I wish that it could. I have tried. Some might say not long enough but I think that 4 years of trying to figure it out is long enough. Now... where do we go from here?
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Three people in my immediate family have milestone birthdays this year. 75, 60, and 30. Yesterday was a surprise birthday party for my stepdad. He thought that his party was a few weeks ago, if there was going to be one at all. He was suprised and it was a nice party. My husband turns 30 on Friday... yes, I am the older one... but oh well. We are not having a surprise party as the funds are not available. I had big intentions that may just have to wait until he is 40, however, I hope that the funds won't be available then either but for other reasons. I am stuck on how to make his birthday special this year. I am working on a party when his sister is in town. We will see if that goes over well.
I have another party to plan by the end of the summer... My mom turns 60. I need to consult with my stepdad to see if he even wants to throw a party. I don't know what to do about it, however, we may have it at my cousin's house. Though, that might be a bit tricky as his wife may not be feeling all that great by then. They have been trying for almost a year for another child and she is having difficulties with her cycles. I feel bad for her because I understand it, yet at the same time I feel a bit vindicated because she thought for sure she would be pregnant in 3 months again. I know that it mean... I know that it is wrong... yet, she was really certain-almost cocky about it so, while I like her, I am not all that sad for her. Mean... I know...I am not a really mean person but something about babies and pregnancies tends to bring it out.
Anyhow... It is a summer of milestones. At the end of the summer, we will reach 4 years of TTCing without any luck. However, we had some breaks in there so maybe it doesn't count.
Milestones... any big ones coming up for you?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
He spent a few days at home and I worked Monday, then had a seminar on Tuesday. Wednesday was the followup appointment and then the trip up north. It took us 7 hours to get up to our destination- a small lake on the Northwestern side of Wisconsin, near Taylor Falls, MN. I had to stop every hour or so because my AF was physco this month. I am blaming it on YAZ, which I stopped taking 2 days after it started. I ended up with a 9 day cycle this month and more than normal heavy days. Blah. I stopped taking the YAZ because I had an almost constant headache, swollen ankles, horrible fatigue,heart palpatations, and I was hot all the time even when I shouldn't have been. All which are high blood pressure symptoms for me. I didn't actually get it checked but the constant headache was enough for me to say no thanks. Plus I am allergic to one of the ingrediants I believe is in it. For the life of me, I couldn't find a list of inactive ingrediants in the package or online. Everytime I tried to call the manufacturer--- they were closed. Since I was getting a rash and now don't seem to be, I'm guessing it was the pills.
Upnorth we did our usual Thursday things. We missed Wednesday but that is okay because most likely I wouldn't have ordered pie anyhow. Friday was a bit screwy but it was okay. Saturday we left to come back here. We stopped at a truck stop type place for breakfast. There was a beautifully painted saw blade on the wall. I wish we could find the artist or someplace that sells her work because I would like to see other items that she paints on. We ran into an antique mall and I found quite a few things to decorate the kitchen with but since I am limited in the amount of money that I can spend at any one time on it, I walked out with only one item. So far I have spent a total of 7.20 on 4 items. I bought a corkscrew that has "2000" on top of it. I bought two things at Goodwill for 10 cents each but I am not exactly sure what they are, however, I believe that they are strainers. The other thing I bought was a "primitive utensil". It looks to be a mini roller and is definately something that I have never seen before. I am trying to find strange or not normally used kitchen utensils to hang on the soffit.
We got home late Saturday and then Sunday we were blessed with a gift of tickets to the Crosstown Classic. After an hour plus on the train and lots of walking, we watched our beloved Cubs win 3 to 0 from the nose bleed seats. I hate US cellular field's upper deck seats. The pitch of the seats is way too steep. We saw lots of people having problems and I still can't figure out how I did that a few years back with a cast on my leg!
Anyhow, since Monday it has been back to work and other weird things.
Nothing all that exciting but it was still too short. May I have a few more days off please?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Why is our time so long? Well... I am pretty impulsive and my husband is very methodical and needs to look at every angle before making the final decision. Most of the time, it works out that we meet in the middle and come up with a decision within a reasonable amount of time. Most of the time...
Decisions with large consequences usually take a long time to make. I am wondering if the kitchen project actually had an effect on our process. It seems that it may have in some ways. My dh decided to have a surgery on his eyes fairly quickly. Normally the good, bad, pros, cons, effects, etc would have taken weeks maybe months to sort out. It didn't and his surgery has been scheduled for a few weeks. It is this coming Friday... I am a bit nervous but it is an easy surgery and he is healthy so it should be okay. It will be the first time that he has ever been under full anesthesia. There are some risks just like for everyone but it will be okay. Worrying is not an calorie burning activity so there is no reason to do it.
Now, if only we could make the final landscaping decisions for the front it would be wonderful!
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
This calm before the storm won't last I'm sure... I only say that because today we went to get my DH's preop testing done. Next week he has his physical, we have to babysit, and his surgery is Friday. The following week he goes for a followup and we leave from there to go to the Lake to get away for our annual fishing trip with my inlaws. We won't be there as long as we would like and chances are it will be less active than normal due to DH's recovery but it should be good. Then we start the birthday party season for a bit... but hopefully they will all go smoothly.
Other than that... it is keep on trucking. I would like the house to be pretty clean before DH's surgery since we are leaving anyways a few days later. Plus we have some yard work to get done so no relaxing in store for this weekend :)
Anyhow... now, if I could just make myself go to the gym.............
Sunday, June 03, 2007
I read aloud several passages to my husband. It was nice to find something in print that echoed my own fears and feelings.
Formal Book Tour Questions
When I read how if one had asked the author 10 years earlier, she would have said that she didn't even want children, I felt better. I guess deep down I always knew that I wanted children, but having had a severely mentally and physically handicapped sister, I was scared. It was comforting to read about another woman's ambivalence and feelings of guilt. When I found out that I was losing ovarian function I could not believe that there was a strong possibility that I would never have a biological child. That spurred in me a determination I had not had in many years. Have you ever felt ambivalence towards parenthood prior to receiving your diagnosis?
I have dealt with an ambivalent feeling since we received the news that we might be dealing with Male factor along with my PCOS and insulin resistant issues. The ambivalence has lead me to question every reason that we want to be parents and every route that we might have to take to parenthood. It seems that the fact that it is going to be "hard" has driven the questions to the front and I have had to face them. There are days that I struggle with our decision at this point to put everything on hold due to financial issues. There are days when I say, ah well, better that we aren't parents. There are days that I sit in the dark and weep until there are no more tears that I can't have what I want most in the world (at that moment). I really feel that for most people the decision to be a parent falls more into the gray category than black and white. However, I know several people that knew right away that they didn't want children and took measures to make sure that it wouldn't happen. I wish for that clarity everyday.
Orenstein's friend, Larry, says on p. 47, "you can only feel the loss of something you've had." Orenstein gives her thoughts on the matter on page 50. Do you agree with Larry or Peggy?
I agree with Peggy. I do believe that you can feel the loss of something that you have never had. I had a "presumed" miscarriage while a family member was pregnant. There are times, birthdays, funny moments when I definitely feel the loss of that potential child. It was never confirmed but there is nothing else that it could have been and it still leaves a hole in my heart at time. There is definitely a feeling of loss tied to the events that will never be.
"I felt like the luckiest unlucky woman in the world" (p. 57). This quote really struck me. Do we naturally grasp for the silver lining in things? Do we always have to convince ourselves that something makes us lucky in order to keep going through the difficulties of life?
Do "we"? I honestly think that it is a person by person and situation by situation basis. Personally, especially lately, I am much more pessimistic than I would care to admit. I don't see the good in something, I only see the bad. When did this change? I am not sure. It might have been after I faced the reality of my "presumed" miscarriage. It might have been after the semen analysis results. Or, it might have been after my father died. But there definitely is a difference of how I respond to things is life and I don't like it. I have noticed the difference over the four years... of course this corresponds to our unsuccessful four years of trying to conceive.
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. This book club is open to everyone in the infertlity community so you can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.