These days holidays and special get togethers always seem to turn into a battle. It has been going on for awhile. At first we just avoided all that we could. Isolation... it is good. Well that was the theory. Now, I am not so sure. The one thing that holidays, special events, and oh, just about any gathering of a large group of people tend to do is highlight our inadequacy. Well, at least mine. I have to believe that it effects DH too and not just now that he is in his 30's (hehe :) )
The reason that I believe that it effects him is that the fight of the year always occurs on these occasions. After the fight of the year occurs then, of course, we must discuss how we can't be parents since we have such negative reactions to silly things. How could we deal with the antics of a child if (fill in stupid reason here) effects us to the point of being so angry that we have the fight of the year? Then the revelation of "well, if we really wanted to be parents we would be doing more about it right now", nevermind that the money we had saved for the next step in whatever direction had to go to remodeling the kitchen and we now have an empty bank account for the next step. Then, of course, comes the discussion of how we must just not have the same goals anymore since it seems we really don't feel the same way about this struggle. Obviously, we aren't on the same path since it doesn't appear that we are equally effected by (fill in anything related to TTCing and children in general). After all that and much tears... well, then we still end up not doing XYZ or at least not together.
All of this, really makes it hard to appreciate the holidays and the special occassions in our lives. However, this 4th one thing did get decided. I just don't have it in me to rise above my desires and wants for a family. I don't have the strength that it takes to grieve that loss for the rest of my life. While I know that there are many benefits to living child free, such as there would be much more money to be directed into things that we want. To be perfectly honest, I don't care about that. I want to be called mommy. I want to be the family on the train to the Cubs game. I want to have to figure out how to deal with life when I have puke in my hair. I don't know why... it just is, and it can't be denied. I wish that it could. I have tried. Some might say not long enough but I think that 4 years of trying to figure it out is long enough. Now... where do we go from here?