Thursday, July 31, 2008

Because I am lazy...

I have lots of things I should be blogging about but I am just too lazy at the moment and don't want to face the emotions. So I pose this question instead-

Why does California always get the cool laws/legal decisions?

Monday, July 28, 2008

My Day--Cliff Notes Version

Blogger ate the long post that I had written so here are the cliff notes.

* Back Pain Still Around
* Physical Therapy Eval today
* Took HPT due to reoccurring issues
* It may be too early to show a positive but not a stark BFN
* My Therapist? The tiniest, hugely pregnant woman in the world
* It was the elephant in the room as her belly kept getting in the way
* Plus she is so big for her body that she can't breathe very well
* I emotionally ate today for more than just that
* I have my annual GYN exam this week
* On the discussion agenda? Premature Ovarian Failure and further testing for fertility and endo
* Oh yea, and I can't wait to weigh in Pfffttt....

Thursday, July 24, 2008


I have a fairly normal name. I don't always like it because it was pretty popular with parents around the time that I was born though I do have the more modern spelling at least. However, I personally like unusual names.

But, even so, sometimes things go to the extreme. I don't blame the judge at all in this case except that I hope it was just a temporary removal. A phrase for a name? Seems a bit much.....

How about you? Normal or unusual?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

8 Years....

Happy Anniversary Monty. I can't believe that it has been 8 years--- it seems so much shorter even with all the bumps, humps, and disappointments in the road. I am sorry that things didn't work out for the celebration I had planned, just chaulk it up to letting life run us over again. It doesn't take away the amazement that I have that today marks 8 years of married life.


Saturday, July 19, 2008

We've been busy...

but somehow it still doesn't make up for things that I wished were different. Trying to stay positive but failing. Typical.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

BBBT-The Empty Picture Frame

The latest choice for the BBBT is The Empty Picture Frame by Jenna and Mike Nadeau. The book is a journal/memoir with interesting information for people that are unfamiliar with infertility. This was the book that I read aloud in the car on our vacation. While I found it very informative and supportive, my DH was actually disturbed by the realistic account of the IF treatments and it helped solidify his opinion that IVF is not the route that we should go. We had very different takes on the experiences recounted in the book but at the same time found some common ground on thoughts and feelings of both Jenna and Mike.

This is definitely a worthy read if you are at all interested in infertility and how it impacts some one's life. There are already two people on my "can I borrow that" list including the person who gifted it to me after I mentioned it briefly in passing one day. I hope that they get as much out of it as I did.

On to the Questions:

What one line from The Empty Picture Frame did you identify with and why? On Page 139 there is a journal entry written by Jenna about how difficult this journey can be on a marriage. I started crying while I was reading this section because of a few points in this passage where I felt she was dictating my thoughts but the line that really impacted me was a bit surprising: " In the midst of my emotional battles, I often misunderstood his level-headedness for ambivalence". For some reason, at that time, that line just truly spoke to me. Partially because I have felt this way at many moments along our journey and partially because I can't always quite read what my husband is feeling/thinking about this part of our lives. I still think some of his inaction is ambivalence but that has been more recent than when we were reading this book together.

The last chapter is a guide to the fertiles reading the book on how to respond and not respond to a situation. Some of the reactions and commentary has happened to many people. What was the best reaction you got to your story and what was the worst? The best reaction that I got was the person who asked "what's next?" It made me feel like they truly understood that this is not a dead end but that we need to find our path right now. The worst reaction has been my MIL who after telling us that she had plenty of grandchildren (4) when the youngest was born has now decided that we are wrong and that we will have children. Each time the topic come up (usually by her) she is more and more forceful that we will have children. She really hurt me at that time when she told us not to bother in the middle of a group and now it is just annoying that she is so totally convinced that we are wrong.

Jenna discusses how difficult it became for her to go to family events which centered on children while she remained childless. Have you had this experience too? How have you managed to cope with family gatherings? The hardest family events for me typically revolve around one of my "nieces". She is the youngest and my "probable but not confirmed" miscarriage occurred when my family member was about 4/5 months pregnant with her. Of course, since I was clueless at the time the impact was later on after discussing things with the drs about what happened. I am always very emotional around her birthday because if things had gone the way that it seems they should have she would have had a close playmate and well, I would be a mother now 4 years later, instead of still on the sidelines. I was really worried this year because there was a pregnant woman at her birthday party but I feel that I handled it with grace and while I was quiet, I wasn't crying so that is an improvement. Holidays are pretty hard on me in general just because as each one passes it means that more time has gone by and still my arms and heart are empty.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens ( You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Are the nerves in her chest dead?

I really hope that the animal in the picture is fake otherwise I think she must not have any feeling in her chest. The picture makes me think it is a hoax because how the heck do you not feel that in your bra? Seriously...


Ugh, I spent the holiday weekend/DH's birthday weekend sidelined with some pretty bad back pain. I thought it was just a wierd case of back cramps since the onset coincided with the start of AF. However, she has been ramping down for a few days and the back pain is not getting much if any better. I keep telling myself and dh that it is but I don't think so. The problem is that since it has been going on for a few days a visit to the ER doesn't seem right and which dr do I call? It started with AF so does that mean ob/gyn or since it is still here GP? I'm lost. Maybe I will just call my GP's nurse and ask... but I know that she will remind me that I am overdue for a followup and bloodwork and who knows what she will say about the back pain. We have Cubs tickets this weekend... I don't want to be in pain for that :(

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Is it just me...

or are the only recipes that Rachel Ray (on her talk show) makes lately burgers? Two new episodes this week and the only recipes were burgers. Okay... I get the holiday and don't get me wrong, I like a good burger but hers are usually so stinking huge that no one could actually fit them in their mouth in one bite. I do like when she changes the meat from beef though so I won't complain about that but geeze... get over the burgers next season please. Last season felt like she did 3 burger recipes a week.

Anyhow... I will say though that I want to try the gnocchi salad that she made yesterday because well, a good gnocchi is heaven.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

And we're Baaacck...

Well, we have been back for a few days. Short trip up to a spot in northwestern Wisconsin to catch some fish. I didn't fish but I ate the goods. I also observed the fish filleting process for the first time. It was quite interesting and probably something I could learn to do if need be. Though, I would prefer that DH would visit places that do all the work for you but well, this is a family tradition.

I didn't go out on the boat as my FIL was a bit more bitchy this time around plus he made some comments to my DH about his brother so I didn't want to have the same thing happen that he was talking about which most likely would have. They don't have a public dock that we know about on that lake and it is frustrating because the pier at the resort is near the weeds so it doesn't lend itself to much fishing.

We normally go out for lunch everyday but ended up going out for lunch only one day to a new restaurant and we went out another afternoon to a local winery. It was really neat but I wasn't in the mood to go on the tour because we were worried about time to get back for dinner. The same thing happened the day before but it was even more silly because we were near the KFC where we were picking up dinner from but since I had turned off their cell phone we couldn't just go to a movie and then pick up dinner on the way home because there would have been drama. That is part of the vacation that I don't like... that we are reporting to others for meals. DH wants to try and get our own space next year so that we can say no to meals and have a bit of freedom to do other stuff but I doubt that will happen. Since there won't be too many more years of this it really isn't that big of a deal but it is just frustrating when they are both cranky and hollering at each other all the time. What is the worst for me is when they holler at my husband. They don't holler at me very often.. only a few choice times that are really silly usually but they holler at him all the time and they make him feel bad about himself which is way worse. I told him that this was the last time and well... I doubt that will happen either. I am sure that even if we can't find our own space that we will go up there anyhow and just deal with it since it is only a few days out of the year. But...those few days can be toxic when you are dealing with someone who is trying to build his self esteem and then he is faced with someone who is tearing him down only because they can.

Anyhow... things are strange around here. Trying to get back into the swing of work. I have a family member who has a medical crisis that needs surgery but can't seem to get on the schedule. It is frustrating because his surgery impacts me both in regards to just being a family member but also impacts my work schedule. Plus... since it isn't booked yet, I had to give up the idea of booking a pretty big surprise for DH for our anniversary. He now knows about part of it but not the whole plan but it doesn't matter because it doesn't look like I can pull it off now anyhow. Frustrating because I often feel like we put aside what we would like to do so that we can work around others schedules but I don't know what else to do in this case... he is going to be off of work for 4-6 weeks most likely. Plus without the surgery scheduled yet, it could actually be scheduled for that week which means that I will need to cover the phones so that everyone else can be at the hospital... yes, everyone that works in my office is related to me in one way or another. Not an ideal situation but I don't really have much of a choice now as I made the decision to work in this industry 5 years ago and going out on my own might be looked at as an insult at this point. At least we do have some non family back up contractors so that is a good thing.

So... enough of my rambling... we are back and guess we are not going to the agency intros tonight since we haven't talked about it yet. Oh well... We'll get this all handled at some point I am sure. Off to make sausage pasta salad for dinner~~