Sunday, July 29, 2007

Sometimes it is okay to be selfish... right?

Today is the wake of a long time family friend. I am not going. I will be at the funeral tomorrow... I may even attend the prayer service at the funeral home before the processional to the church. But,today, I am not going to the wake.

My mother points out that wakes/visitations/shivas whatever you call them in your family/social group are a part of life. She is absolutely correct. However, must we attend the wake of every individual we know and/or love? Occasionally, I think that not seeing the dead body might be a good thing. Some people need a visual for closure. I don't always need that. I got thru a major death without that visual. It was hard but I wasn't given the choice, the choice was made for me. I had to trust that people were telling the truth and yes, that person was dead. In this case I have the choice, yet, I am making the choice that some people will determine to be socially inexplicable.

I am not going to the wake because I am selfish. I don't want the last image, the one that will always be the first recalled in most situations, to be the image of her in the casket. I don't want to see the impact that cancer took on her. I have been informed of it during her last battle... I don't want the visual to go with the images that are already in my imagination. Selfish, yes, it is. I want to remember the lively, funny, caring, strong, beautiful woman the way that she was... alive. I already have regrets that any children I may be blessed with won't know her.

In this circumstance, I have decided, that I am okay with being selfish. I made sure that my mother didn't feel that she needed me to be there. I will see many people tomorrow that are no longer a daily fixture in my life... not many are regulars in my life anymore and that is something that I need to work on. But... today, I am only thinking about myself. This decision has been heartwrenching and that still is okay because I don't want to ever be easily selfish.

"The Birth House" by Ami McKay

I finished this book. Once I got into the book it was hard to put it down. It is historical fiction that takes place in a small town in Nova Scotia. The main character is a midwife.

Dora Rare definately lives up to her last name. She is a rare character that makes you believe that you are right in her life. Definately worth a read if you enjoy historical fiction or reading about women.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Maybe I did do something right in College....

You scored as Psychology/Sociology, You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Psychology, Sociology, or related majors (e.g., Counseling, Industrial-Organizational (I-O) Psychology, Social Work, or other social science majors).

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Psychology and Sociology are both great minors to add to any major. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.





























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Sunday, July 22, 2007

Blog Fodder

At a loss for words? Not sure what to blog about today? Have you checked out
Blog Fodder? There is a topic for every week of the year so far. Maybe something will spark a post in you.

Amazing Differences

Sometimes it really amazes me how different the experiences that my husband and I have had. I grew up in the Chicago Suburbs and he grew up in the 2nd biggest metro area within the same state. It isn't the big things that amaze me like the big differences between the families. It is the little things that strike me as most odd.

He didn't know who the Fantastic Four were. He has never read or watched Little House on the Prairie. He has never been the to the Sears tower--okay, this is one of the things I take for granted that everyone has experienced.

There are so many others and each one just serves as a reminder that everyone is different. Even if you think that they should feel, be, act, do, think, speak, the same.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Fat Fighters

While I am not a fat fighter blogger, I do enjoy checking out new blogs in the directory. I have come across a few that I subscribe to via bloglines now. Mostly women bloggers with PCOS. While I find it helpful to read about others weight loss successes and struggles, it is very difficult for me to post about my own lately.

I have posted when I am struggling, which, to be perfectly honest has been this whole year. I don't like to focus on successes because they so easily disappear as was the case in September of last year. Mostly, I just lurk and try to comment when it seems appropriate. When someone is struggling, it takes a lot of courage to tell the world. But at the same time, when someone succeeds, they usually don't want to jinx it.

Some of the support systems that I use are message boards. But like most things, you only get out of it what you put in. When I am struggling I pull away for posting. I don't ever stop reading...well I shouldn't say that. I do stop reading when I am so far down in the hole that nothing is going to pull me back up. Normally, I am able to keep myself toddling along well enough that I don't get to that point.

As I posted last week, I am struggling, and I still can't get it together. I do great for part of the day and then lose it. Or I start out cruddy, get better, and then lose it again. I just can't figure out what was different about last summer. I know it wasn't exercise. I know that I was taking a different med but I wasn't always taking it. I know that I was counting carbs... and I think I am just going to have to succumb to doing this again. It is such a pain but... I need to get back to that place where I would do whatever it takes. Is there a map someone can send me?

Friday, July 20, 2007


Powdered Peanut Butter... I need to get me some of this! But it is a bit pricey. The manufacturer sells it for about $4.00 a jar. That is pretty close, if not more than double what I normally pay for natural peanut butter. On Ebay the lowest price is $6.00 a jar before shipping costs. YIKES! The manufacturer charges almost $10.00 for the 4 jars to be shipped... well at least to me.

Has anyone tried it yet? Is it worth it?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


Freecycle... do you use it? Lately we have been giving away things on freecycle whenever it is something that we want gone or don't think we can donate. We were working on the house and cleaning out the garage this weekend. I posted several items on our local Freecycle group but haven't gotten any responses from there so I moved on to neighboring communities. So far three things have been picked up with another three things to be picked up tomorrow. I wish that someone would come and get all of it... but no such luck this time.

Personally, I have never picked up anything on Freecycle. There is one item that is listed right now but I don't know that I want to go thru the hassle of picking it up. How bad is that...LOL.

If you don't freecycle...maybe you should. You can freecycle things that you might put in the garabage instead of donating. You can freecycle almost anything in most groups including pets. Check it out there are groups all over the world!

Monday, July 16, 2007

"The Kid" by Dan Savage---BBBT

The latest leg of the Barren Bitches Book Tour has been The Kid by Dan Savage. It is a non fiction account of two gay men who are involved in an open adoption. It takes a look at why they decided to adopt, other methods for becoming parents, and the adoption process from start to finish. I have never read Dan Savage's sex advice column before but his style of writing is appealing to me. I will probably seek out the other books that he has written about his family and look for his advice column. The book, at times, invoked strong emotion from me. I wish that instead of reading aloud Not Buying It during our vacation that I had chosen this one instead as I would really love to see DH's response to this book. I know that the Rutherford B Finger chapter would turn him off, however, I don't think that he is alone in that. I had a hard time relating that chapter to the rest of the book. Overall, it was a good book and I will recommend it in the future.

If you were participating in an open adoption, what are the top three questions you would ask the birth mother?

Hmm... I think I would ask pretty basic questions:

1. Why are you putting the child up for adoption?

2. How much contact do you want?

3. Any special talents and/or conditions in either family to watch for?

Savage refers to children in foster care as "damaged goods." How did you react to this? Did you find it offensive or an honest way of expressing why people choose to adopt a newborn rather than a waiting child?

This reference did disturb me when I first read it. After completing the book, I understand his need for using that term. One only has to search on Adopt US Kids briefly to learn that there are very few children that don't have at least minor special needs in any category. My husband and I have been struggling with this decision. In some ways, we feel, that this is an opportunity to take the less traveled road and do some good but on the other hand, it might be easier just to not have to face a difficult situation. Savage's comments about not wanting to "start parenting at a disadvantage" and later on about wanting to start with an even playing field even if there was no guarantee really hit home. I think that many people realize that even with adopting an infant, there is still a chance that something is wrong or may end up wrong later on. However, only with an older child are you 90% certain that some issue will have to be addressed from the beginning. Reality is that everyone has issues and most of them stem from something in childhood. No matter how hard a parent tries, their child will not always be the perfect image of their dreams. However, it does take a special kind of strength to step out of the expected and face the difficult reality.

I think that his comments are an honest portrayal of the children in state care and what many people think about dealing with the issues that these children have.

On p. 164, Dan is terrified of bringing baby items into the house before the adoption is finalized. Will you (or did you) bring items into the house before a birth or an adoption?

Actually, I have changed my opinion on this. Before, I was pro shower, pro preparation. These days... honestly, I think the only thing we will do if we are ever blessed with a child is to clean and paint the room that they would be using and buy a car seat if the child is an infant/toddler. Obviously, we may need to change that theory when it gets closer but I don't want a nursery/child's room all done up and then suffer a loss of any kind. Even if we somehow manage to get pregnant, I don't really want a shower until after the fact. I had changed my opinion before reading the book but I understood where Dan was coming from with that point.

What do you think DJ will think when he reads this book down the line?

I think that if DJ reads the book when he is older it will solidify his understanding of his parents. If he reads it when he is old enough to be considering children, I think that he will understand that his own fears are common. The book doesn't, in my humble opinion, portray anything negative about the process or his fathers feelings about him. There is the part about not feeling bonded right away but if you think of it in a typical Mother/Father situation, I think that a lot of fathers feel the same way at first. But, I don't feel that it should be a contention point if he reads it since I am sure that by now there is a definite bond believe the two.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Love, and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman (with author participation!).


I am really struggling with my weight loss goals. I can't seem to see beyond the moment right now and am making bad choices. It is not a good thing. It is not a horrible thing but definitely not good. I am not binging. That is a plus. I am just choosing foods that I shouldn't. I am not exercising the way that I should though I am getting more in than I have in most "off the road" phases previously.

I am holding on by a thread to not binge. I don't want to sit here and drown my sorrows in food. I don't want to bury my anger in ice cream. This is so different than it has been in the past. But I am still struggling. I still am stopping for fast food when I could go home and eat veggies and fruit. I am choosing foods that are not good for my insulin level when I know that I shouldn't be. I am not taking my meds the way that I should be.

All of these things are adding up to no success. As of this morning, I am sitting at 4.5lbs over my January 1st weigh in. That is 18lbs over my lowest weight from last September. I can't blame all of it on hormones... but the desire is there. I need to find my MOJO again and I don't know where it is... I don't know where to look.

Part of the problem is that I am so afraid of having to find a bathroom when I am out on appointments so I don't always eat when I should. This makes it harder to stay on plan. I did find a breakfast that fills me up for awhile... so maybe I will stick with that and see how it goes. Sounds crazy to let bathroom locations dictate your eating habits but I don't know what else to do. I was doing okay when I was taking my pills on a regular basis but then I would eat too many carbs and things would not be good.

Updated: I did take my pills as required today, however, I ate way too much garlic bread at dinner and had a carb fest in the afternoon. One of these days it will all flow the way it should.

Knocked Up

The movie, not me, was funny. It was typical material for this group of people... well maybe not Katherine Heigl but for the rest of them. We went to see it because so many people from Freaks and Geeks were involved. I guess I didn't realize that the same group had been involved in The 40 Year Old Virgin also.

The premise of the movie that a professional has a one night stand with a stoner type guy without a job. She gets "knocked up" and then it goes through how they get to know each other through the pregnancy and the birth.

It was a funny movie, I would definately see it again.

Although, it is kind of ironic that my period showed up right after but hey... such is my luck of the draw.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

still working

Yesterday we got a bunch of stuff done. I am not counting any of it as exercise though for my tally. Only because I am in a contest with family and gardening doesn't count for that one. The plan for the week is to be very good eating wise.

We went through the big freezer yesterday after finally being able to get to it for the first time since april. We have to throw out a bunch of stuff which stinks. Some of it was the cookie doughs we bought for various fund raisers. Guess I am doing better on not baking than I thought :) We had to throw out a whole bag of chicken breasts which stink because we would have eaten those had we moved them to the small freezer during the remodeling or after. They go bad next week but are full of ice crystals so I am not going to bother. I also forgot that I had bought Sugar Free cool whip and well, into the trash it goes without trying it since it is long out of date. I wonder if I should keep a list on the fridge of what is in the big freezer? It might help to make sure that things get used up accordingly.

Anyhow, there are lots of frozen veggies in both freezers. We have mahi mahi fillets and tilipia fillets. Looks like we will be eating a lot of fish in the next few weeks. At least, I can cook it on the foreman!

Gotta get back to work!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Working Weekend

This weekend we decided that we were spending it all on working around the house. We have a huge list and it almost seems like it will never get done. I have been working on prepping the outside of the house to spray for bugs for hours it seems. Prep the outside you ask? Well, I am not going to spray for bugs and then have to clean off the spider webs after the fact. We decided not to wash the siding until the fall since we will probably get more bug guts and yuck on it before then.

DH mowed the lawn and did pull a lot of weeds but there are still a ton left in the back yard and he didn't pull the front yard yet. Don't get me started on that because it was weed free 2 weeks ago and now it is a mess again. I wish I knew what to use so that they didn't come back.

As we go along on this working weekend, our already page long list is getting longer. I have a list of 5 or 6 phone calls to make about work that needs to be done. Most of it, the kind that we don't have the money for but need to get estimates so that we can figure it out. I really just want to move. Moving would be so much easier than dealing with all of the items that need to be done on the house. If it didn't feel like we had already done so much to the house then I might feel differently but I don't think that we realized quite how much work needed to be done when we bought this house. Keeping up with the regular cleaning is hard enough, let alone all the things that need to be done to make it beautiful. However, we do have a goal but I don't know that we will ever reach it.

The goal:

To have everything done so that the house is only 2 weeks out from being listable What does that mean? I am not quite sure but I know that the big projects need to be done. The siding is the one that is boggling my mind right now. The dye is running off of it. If you rub up against the house you get a big green mark on you. Not good. It is ruining the window casings that we just replaced but hopefully they can be cleaned off.

Gotta run and get back to work!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

Whole lotta stuff going on. Not going to whine. Just busy and trying to stay on top of things instead of feeling overwhelmed.

Thank you for not smoking... not the great movie that everyone said it was in my opinion anyways. Guess dh agrees on this one.

Anyhow... surviving and trying to stay positive instead of whining.

Hope everyone has a productive weekend.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Holidays and special get togethers

These days holidays and special get togethers always seem to turn into a battle. It has been going on for awhile. At first we just avoided all that we could. Isolation... it is good. Well that was the theory. Now, I am not so sure. The one thing that holidays, special events, and oh, just about any gathering of a large group of people tend to do is highlight our inadequacy. Well, at least mine. I have to believe that it effects DH too and not just now that he is in his 30's (hehe :) )

The reason that I believe that it effects him is that the fight of the year always occurs on these occasions. After the fight of the year occurs then, of course, we must discuss how we can't be parents since we have such negative reactions to silly things. How could we deal with the antics of a child if (fill in stupid reason here) effects us to the point of being so angry that we have the fight of the year? Then the revelation of "well, if we really wanted to be parents we would be doing more about it right now", nevermind that the money we had saved for the next step in whatever direction had to go to remodeling the kitchen and we now have an empty bank account for the next step. Then, of course, comes the discussion of how we must just not have the same goals anymore since it seems we really don't feel the same way about this struggle. Obviously, we aren't on the same path since it doesn't appear that we are equally effected by (fill in anything related to TTCing and children in general). After all that and much tears... well, then we still end up not doing XYZ or at least not together.

All of this, really makes it hard to appreciate the holidays and the special occassions in our lives. However, this 4th one thing did get decided. I just don't have it in me to rise above my desires and wants for a family. I don't have the strength that it takes to grieve that loss for the rest of my life. While I know that there are many benefits to living child free, such as there would be much more money to be directed into things that we want. To be perfectly honest, I don't care about that. I want to be called mommy. I want to be the family on the train to the Cubs game. I want to have to figure out how to deal with life when I have puke in my hair. I don't know why... it just is, and it can't be denied. I wish that it could. I have tried. Some might say not long enough but I think that 4 years of trying to figure it out is long enough. Now... where do we go from here?

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Living Child Free

Living child free takes strength.
Living child free shows bravery.
Living child free displays confidence.

Living child free is not for me.

Sunday, July 01, 2007


Milestones are such an ominous thing at times. We make them out to be. Saying things like "I don't want to get old" and " At 40 your life is more than half over" just makes things worse. People know that they are getting old but you really are only as old as you allow yourself to be.

Three people in my immediate family have milestone birthdays this year. 75, 60, and 30. Yesterday was a surprise birthday party for my stepdad. He thought that his party was a few weeks ago, if there was going to be one at all. He was suprised and it was a nice party. My husband turns 30 on Friday... yes, I am the older one... but oh well. We are not having a surprise party as the funds are not available. I had big intentions that may just have to wait until he is 40, however, I hope that the funds won't be available then either but for other reasons. I am stuck on how to make his birthday special this year. I am working on a party when his sister is in town. We will see if that goes over well.

I have another party to plan by the end of the summer... My mom turns 60. I need to consult with my stepdad to see if he even wants to throw a party. I don't know what to do about it, however, we may have it at my cousin's house. Though, that might be a bit tricky as his wife may not be feeling all that great by then. They have been trying for almost a year for another child and she is having difficulties with her cycles. I feel bad for her because I understand it, yet at the same time I feel a bit vindicated because she thought for sure she would be pregnant in 3 months again. I know that it mean... I know that it is wrong... yet, she was really certain-almost cocky about it so, while I like her, I am not all that sad for her. Mean... I know...I am not a really mean person but something about babies and pregnancies tends to bring it out.

Anyhow... It is a summer of milestones. At the end of the summer, we will reach 4 years of TTCing without any luck. However, we had some breaks in there so maybe it doesn't count.

Milestones... any big ones coming up for you?