Tuesday, October 30, 2007

BBBT--Happiness Sold Seperately

This Book Tour round is Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston. I really enjoyed this book. I had listened to it on audio book previously and would find myself laughing aloud at the gym and then when I read it this time around I was still laughing at moments. I was pleased that it didn't necessarily turn out to be the Happy, romantic tale that could have been written on the subject. I don't usually read books more than once but for some reason this one has pulled me in and I'm thinking I might pick it up again.

In the beginning of Chapter 4, Elinor finds it difficult to look at a newborn and its mother in the seat next to her. She says she isn't so much sad that she can't have a baby of her own but that she can't give her husband a child. Do you find your infertility more painful because of your desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth or because of your desire to see your spouse as a father?

I would have to say that it has more to due with the desire to see DH as a dad then the actual pregnant part of it. I never really wanted to get pregnant until I wanted to have "his" child. Adoption had always been the prominent choice in my head until that moment that some natural desire came over me to procreate with my husband. It doesn't really make it any easier but as I continue to remind myself that the goal is to parent, not necessarily be pregnant, the pain seems to lessen until the next person gets pregnant most likely.

I feel like the author was trying to show all sides of these complicated relationships, wanting you to sympathize with Elinor, Ted, Gina and Toby. Did you find yourself able to sympathize, or at least not dislike, all of these characters?

Definitely, even though Ted's behavior was out of line, I still found myself wanting his marriage to ride out the difficult times. Toby, well, I liked him. Winston definitely portrayed a confused 10 year old and one that is a bit offbeat at the same time. Gina and Elinor seemed to be polar opposites and they were both interesting in their unique way.

Elinor's thought on page 47 really struck me: "When Elinor was paying attention to her career, she should have been paying attention to her biological clock. When she was paying attention to her biological clock, she should have been paying attention to her husband." It made me wonder: Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? Are you?

No, I don't think I am paying attention to what I should be. I should be focusing on losing weight, exercising, and getting involved in the community. Yet, I am paralyzed in all ways to do anything about any of it. I let work overrun my schedule so that I don't have time to work out or to volunteer. I run out of the house without preplanning my food for the road. So, no, I am not paying attention to what I should be paying attention to and my dh gets the backlash of anger based on the disappointment from not doing what I know I should be doing instead of what I am doing. I have to focus on my health though... If I don't, pregnancy will never be an option and I won't live as long as I could.

Elinor takes up laundry and Ted works on the hutch. What new hobbies did you pick up or abandon during treatments?

I wish... I have some hobby items stored away that never get worked on. I have a gym membership that is rarely used. I wish that those activities would take the mind into a different direction. I will say that I have immersed myself in books and movies though at times when the angst has been too great to do much else.

How did you feel about Toby? Do you think he manipulated the situation too much? Was it strange to you that Ted was willing to be a father figure to Toby, but did not want to talk about adoption with Elinor?

I thought that Toby was a typical 10 year old that was a bit out of the mainstream. He got tossed into a situation that he didn't want to be in. He was feeling rejection from his father and step mom since they basically kicked him out and sent him to live with Gina, who he did not really like. Toby didn't seem to really like anything about his mother or her life. I think that part of it was typical preteen behavior but part of it was that he thought she could do better and he was grabbing at that with Ted. He knew that even though Ted was married he was the best choice that Gina had made in dating over the past several attempts.

With the exception of the mall scene for the Tutoring interview, I really didn't feel that he was manipulating anything. I think that any kid, who really wanted better for both himself and his mom, probably would have done the same.

I really didn't find it too odd that Ted was willing to be a mentor to Toby and wasn't all that thrilled with the thought of adoption. The process of adoption is very invasive just like other fertility treatments. Tutoring and mentoring Toby was just something that could fill time and would keep him close to Gina, who I think in the end, he was really in love with even though he still loved Elinor.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour? Jump on in for the next one. Sign up at Stirrup Queens for the next tour discussing The Handmaid's Tale All you need is a book and a blog!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Day 16

Today I take my 16th BCP pill. I have gained a few pounds. I need to push more water over the next few days. I am cramping and I don't understand that... they aren't ovulation cramps either. The back pain that I talked to the dr about and that prompted the ultrasound is back too. Yay!

I think I am in a bit of a better place with taking the BCP pill than I was 16 days ago but it still isn't my preferred plan. But, well, I have a lot of work to do on myself so I need this time.

The whole idea of stringing 14 good days together has failed several weeks in a row so I think I am going to give up on that. I am working on developing a challenge to get through the holidays.

That's my update... for what it is worth.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Netflix Discovery

So DH discovered that he can set up his own queue for Netflix. Now that we are back at 2 at a time, the goal is that there should always be a movie that we each want to watch. We'll see...

Anyways, he received the first movie that he chose last week and we watched it last night. He chose Cypher. It was interesting to say the least. I will admit that I did fall asleep for a short while but I think that was just my energy level, not the movie. If you like spy movies or techie thrillers you might be interested in this movie.

Click for Cans!

It's Back! Campbell's click for cans for the NFL is back. Even if you aren't a football fan but you have a local team you can help them earn food for a local food pantry. Campbell's is donating food to the winning team's food pantry. Green Bay is in the lead again... so maybe you have a different favorite team. Get the word out!

Here is the link:


Monday, October 22, 2007


Homemade veggie soup... takes some of the edge off of the dreary day.

I couldn't fit celery in the pot with all the other stuff and I am definitely missing the flavor but that is okay. It is more important that I used the veggies in the fridge before they were rotten :) .

I started with a bit of olive oil, 3 cloves of garlic chopped, and a medium onion. I added in some leftover chopped red onion, most of a head of cabbage, most of a head of cauliflower, most of a bag of carrot chips, and a half bag of frozen collard greens. Then I poured in some pearl barley and 5 cans of "Fit ~N~ Active" chicken broth. Black pepper, Mrs dash original, parsley, and Italian seasoning were added throughout the cooking process and now... it is just simmering away. There is definitely a lack of broth, normally I use 6 cans but I only had room for 5.

It came out pretty yummy but still, I'm missing the celery.

Now if I can just stop nibbling on it...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Day 3

Today will be the day I take my 3rd BCP. I should be looking at how I can accomplish my goals while making my hormones better right? Yet... I am not. I haven't binged, that's a good thing. I still think I am not being fair to my husband and that one of us should leave... but in my heart I know that my head is just in the wrong place. I printed out the application forms for Lifelink but I don't know if the foster app is different or not. Both of us were overwhelmed when we looked at all of the information that they would require us to supply. I wish I could say that my trepidation magically disappeared but that would be a lie... the only thing that has appeared is the constant headache that I hope will go away with time.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Blog Action Day

This year's blog action day is about the enviroment. There are many different ways that we can help keep things "green" in our house and in our neighborhood. Lately, with the fall, and other things, Death has been on my mind. I have been researching green funerals. This is one of the most concise explanations of green funerals that I have found recently. The movement towards green burials and conservation burials is still pretty new. Personally, it is the choice for me because my family has always followed the full burial trend but then doesn't have a tradition of returning to the cemetary on any regular basis. It can be years in between visits and usually those visits are only if someone happens to be in the area. Since this is the case, I honestly don't see why the burial can't give something back instead of just taking up needed resources both of land and energy.

Here are a few other links on green burial:

Green Options.com

What is an Eco-Cemetary?


What are your burial traditions?

Friday, October 12, 2007

Voices in my head....

No amount of distraction is able to drown out my own voice shouting my thoughts today.

They aren't the greatest thoughts.

Leave your husband, he deserves better... you can't give him what he wants so let someone else do it.

You might as well just binge, you will always be fat anyways since your body is so screwy, just overeat... food will fill the hole.

Your worthless... you can't even do the basic biological thing a woman is built to do.

Take the birth control... you know you will never be pregnant anyways... heck, a stroke would be good punishment for you

You have never wanted to be pregnant anyways before... why can't you just accept what you have always known, adoption is your option This is true, I only wanted to become pregnant when I decided that I wanted to give my husband--his child that would look up to me with his eyes I hoped.

Your child is waiting for you at Lifelink!

This last one has been in my head for almost a year... where my mind comes up with this stuff I only wish I knew. When it first started running through my head, I hadn't thought of lifelink since High school. In my senior year, I declared that I would never actually get pregnant, I was going to adopt. I didn't want to be pregnant and I felt "called" to adopt anyhow. So it worked. I wish I still had that level of faith that I did then. I wish I still had that support system to fall back on but I don't... I lost my faith awhile ago. I doubt I will ever find it again.

I am going off to find a way to quiet the voices in my head for a bit. Shopping sounds good!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Test Results Came back (Warning TMI ahead)

Test results came back. Nothing odd... they didn't mention that a cyst burst during the ultrasound but that is okay. Bloodwork came back with my FSH:LH indicating PCOS... well duh. Biopsy came back just indicating a normal stage of menses. However, it took them forever to get back to me and my period started on it's own, nice and heavy. So the instructions that she had given the nurse need to be checked out since I started and she was going to give me provera.

My problem is that I don't usually have a problem getting my period, with the exception of when I was on metformin, but that sometimes it comes too often now. I didn't realize until I talked to her that it was coming every 12 to 14 days instead of every 30. She also wants me to start YAZ again but to watch my diet and exercise while I am on it.

I have really mixed feeling about being on the birth control pill. On one hand I totally understand that unless my hormones get under control, I could attempt to lose weight until I am blue in the face and it won't happen. I know that I am not healthy enough to deal with a pregnancy. But on the other hand.... I want to be pregnant, not preventing it.

I need to face the reality... naturally and not naturally, I will never be a mother... it just isn't in the cards for me.
The money and the support for adoption just isn't there, so no, it is not an option.

My husband would make such a good dad... I hate that because of me... he won't get the opportunity.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Not Your Mom's Sloppy Joes recipe

I was playing around with sloppy joes this week and came up with a combo that my dh and I really liked.

Approximately 1lb extra lean ground beef (95-97%)
1 large onion (less if you aren't an onion fan)
3/4 to a full red bell pepper
1.5 cups sliced mushrooms (more or less if you don't like mushrooms)
2 small cans tomato sauce
1 tbls minced garlic
3 shakes Worcester sauce (about 3 tbls)
2 shakes chipolte Tabasco sauce (about 2tsps)
Black pepper to taste

spray skillet with nonstick spray such as pam. Start to sweat the onions and the garlic out. After a few minutes add the ground beef and break it up into small chunks. Add the bell pepper and mushrooms. When the meat is cooked, if desired, drain and rinse (I didn't do this because there wasn't a whole lot of drippings in the pan). Add black pepper to your taste, tomato sauce, Worcester sauce, and chipolte sauce. Mix well and then let it simmer until the sauce thickens up to your desired thickness and the onions are cooked through.

Serve over whole grain bun/bread of your choice.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Dunt, Dunt.. Dunnnn

Everything I have to say is pretty negative right now. My fave team, lack of medical results, strange occurances in our neighborhood that the police are keeping out of the news, Cycle day 30 and no AF and a negative test, work stupidity,--these are just a few of the reasons sooo...

I did finish Dying for Chocolate By Diane Mott Davidson and I was glad that I picked up the second in the series. It had some interesting recipes in it and was an interesting plot. In the end, I hadn't even thought about that story line as an option so I always enjoy a mystery that keeps me surprised. If you like easy reading mysteries... start with Catering for Nobody and then if you enjoy it, move on to this. Although... it would definately be readable without reading the first one, which is always nice too.

Ok, Blog silence for a bit... back when I have some news or something good to say.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Netflix Discovery

I had been searching movies before and came across this movie previously. Today I was aggravated because I went to finish Failure to Launch and it got stuck in the exact same spot again. I had cleaned the disc before but it still had issues. I am going to try it in my laptop but otherwise I am sending it back without finishing it.

Anyhow, I'm Reed Fish was an interesting movie that in a way reminded me of Northern Exposure. I don't think this film got released nationally but it was worth watching. If you like movies about small town, every day life, with a few eccentric characters than most likely you will enjoy this film.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Tuesday TV

I guess I really should find something to do on Tuesday nights. There is nothing that interests me on TV at all. After 7:30... I'm lost. Currently I do like The Singing Bee because it is short and to the point. Plus it usually has a theme--Tonight's was 1 hit wonders. I haven't been getting into too many game shows lately.

I used to be a big fan of The Biggest Loser but a lot of times, it would work against my motivation instead of enhancing it. Since I have been really down lately on my weight and lack of progress, watching the teams fight it out in such an overexercising lifestyle, is not a good idea.

Maybe... naw, there are no exercises classes that I can do at the gym but I guess I could plan a long workout for Tuesday nights.

HAHAHA! That would mean that I would have to exercise and get to the gym.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Happiness Challenge # 1

Whoops... I forgot to post about this earlier. Guess that is pretty indicative of how this challenge went. It was a bust. Mel at Stirrup Queens was hosting a Happiness Challenge for the month of September. The idea was to come up with a ritual that would make you happy and commit to doing it at least once a week if not more. My ritual was to have breakfast with my DH three times per week. While it was a great idea, in reality, my dh is not the best person to plan on spending the morning with apparently.

I kept a record for the first week and only had breakfast twice with DH. Both of those started off pretty rocky. Otherwise, we had breakfast together twice more the entire month. The first attempt out of the gate happened to be on a day that he was really cranky and he had a hissy fit just as we were sitting down to eat. This put a big damper on even trying again but I did. We had a pleasant breakfast a few days later while we were getting ready for work. Otherwise one breakfast attempt was out and it was ruined by both of our cranky moods for the day. I believe that we had another breakfast at home that was short but calm.