The nurses freaked out a bit today and I had to stick around to see an internist before I could leave the clinic today. Oh well, now I am seeing a new doctor, sort of, and will move my med records over to the clinic like DH wanted me too.
However, he didn't want to put me on pills today. I have to monitor at home, 2x per day for the next two weeks. yay. I go back in 2 weeks for a follow up.
My bottom number went up 40 points and the top number went up 25 points since the end of the first pack of BCP. I was supposed to start the fourth pack yesterday but was pretty sure there was an issue.
So now what?
I don't get to have normal hormones ever?
Showing posts with label PCOS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PCOS. Show all posts
Monday, January 07, 2008
Friday, October 12, 2007
Voices in my head....
No amount of distraction is able to drown out my own voice shouting my thoughts today.
They aren't the greatest thoughts.
Leave your husband, he deserves better... you can't give him what he wants so let someone else do it.
You might as well just binge, you will always be fat anyways since your body is so screwy, just overeat... food will fill the hole.
Your worthless... you can't even do the basic biological thing a woman is built to do.
Take the birth control... you know you will never be pregnant anyways... heck, a stroke would be good punishment for you
You have never wanted to be pregnant anyways before... why can't you just accept what you have always known, adoption is your option This is true, I only wanted to become pregnant when I decided that I wanted to give my husband--his child that would look up to me with his eyes I hoped.
Your child is waiting for you at Lifelink!
This last one has been in my head for almost a year... where my mind comes up with this stuff I only wish I knew. When it first started running through my head, I hadn't thought of lifelink since High school. In my senior year, I declared that I would never actually get pregnant, I was going to adopt. I didn't want to be pregnant and I felt "called" to adopt anyhow. So it worked. I wish I still had that level of faith that I did then. I wish I still had that support system to fall back on but I don't... I lost my faith awhile ago. I doubt I will ever find it again.
I am going off to find a way to quiet the voices in my head for a bit. Shopping sounds good!
They aren't the greatest thoughts.
Leave your husband, he deserves better... you can't give him what he wants so let someone else do it.
You might as well just binge, you will always be fat anyways since your body is so screwy, just overeat... food will fill the hole.
Your worthless... you can't even do the basic biological thing a woman is built to do.
Take the birth control... you know you will never be pregnant anyways... heck, a stroke would be good punishment for you
You have never wanted to be pregnant anyways before... why can't you just accept what you have always known, adoption is your option This is true, I only wanted to become pregnant when I decided that I wanted to give my husband--his child that would look up to me with his eyes I hoped.
Your child is waiting for you at Lifelink!
This last one has been in my head for almost a year... where my mind comes up with this stuff I only wish I knew. When it first started running through my head, I hadn't thought of lifelink since High school. In my senior year, I declared that I would never actually get pregnant, I was going to adopt. I didn't want to be pregnant and I felt "called" to adopt anyhow. So it worked. I wish I still had that level of faith that I did then. I wish I still had that support system to fall back on but I don't... I lost my faith awhile ago. I doubt I will ever find it again.
I am going off to find a way to quiet the voices in my head for a bit. Shopping sounds good!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Struggling...
I am really struggling with my weight loss goals. I can't seem to see beyond the moment right now and am making bad choices. It is not a good thing. It is not a horrible thing but definitely not good. I am not binging. That is a plus. I am just choosing foods that I shouldn't. I am not exercising the way that I should though I am getting more in than I have in most "off the road" phases previously.
I am holding on by a thread to not binge. I don't want to sit here and drown my sorrows in food. I don't want to bury my anger in ice cream. This is so different than it has been in the past. But I am still struggling. I still am stopping for fast food when I could go home and eat veggies and fruit. I am choosing foods that are not good for my insulin level when I know that I shouldn't be. I am not taking my meds the way that I should be.
All of these things are adding up to no success. As of this morning, I am sitting at 4.5lbs over my January 1st weigh in. That is 18lbs over my lowest weight from last September. I can't blame all of it on hormones... but the desire is there. I need to find my MOJO again and I don't know where it is... I don't know where to look.
Part of the problem is that I am so afraid of having to find a bathroom when I am out on appointments so I don't always eat when I should. This makes it harder to stay on plan. I did find a breakfast that fills me up for awhile... so maybe I will stick with that and see how it goes. Sounds crazy to let bathroom locations dictate your eating habits but I don't know what else to do. I was doing okay when I was taking my pills on a regular basis but then I would eat too many carbs and things would not be good.
Updated: I did take my pills as required today, however, I ate way too much garlic bread at dinner and had a carb fest in the afternoon. One of these days it will all flow the way it should.
I am holding on by a thread to not binge. I don't want to sit here and drown my sorrows in food. I don't want to bury my anger in ice cream. This is so different than it has been in the past. But I am still struggling. I still am stopping for fast food when I could go home and eat veggies and fruit. I am choosing foods that are not good for my insulin level when I know that I shouldn't be. I am not taking my meds the way that I should be.
All of these things are adding up to no success. As of this morning, I am sitting at 4.5lbs over my January 1st weigh in. That is 18lbs over my lowest weight from last September. I can't blame all of it on hormones... but the desire is there. I need to find my MOJO again and I don't know where it is... I don't know where to look.
Part of the problem is that I am so afraid of having to find a bathroom when I am out on appointments so I don't always eat when I should. This makes it harder to stay on plan. I did find a breakfast that fills me up for awhile... so maybe I will stick with that and see how it goes. Sounds crazy to let bathroom locations dictate your eating habits but I don't know what else to do. I was doing okay when I was taking my pills on a regular basis but then I would eat too many carbs and things would not be good.
Updated: I did take my pills as required today, however, I ate way too much garlic bread at dinner and had a carb fest in the afternoon. One of these days it will all flow the way it should.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Battles
There have been a lot of battles around here. Emotional, physical, mental, verbal, etc. Some have been won, others, well... not so much.
I had a meltdown on Sunday because I was supposed to start YAZ. The birth control pill. Part of the cause of the meltdown is the impact that it could have on my health. Blood clots, stoke, high blood pressure, etc. I had to stop taking birth control in the past because my BP got too high. The other cause of the meltdown was that it seems pretty ridicoulous to be taking birth control pills when you can't get preganant. My body doesn't work so why do I need to stop it from doing something it can't. Why are you taking them you ask? Because supposedly when the hormones are regulated by the birth control, the other parts of the body may function better. If the BCP can regulate my reproductive hormones, then theoretically, it should help my insulin level come down. Probably would work much better if I was eating low carb and taking my other meds but... I will get there.
I hate when I have meltdowns about something that comes naturally to so many other people. I hate feeling like I am a failure because I can't get pregnant. I hate feeling that the whole world is wondering if I actually am a woman since I don't work right. I hate feeling like I am not a good wife because I can't reproduce. Yes, I hate when my mind works in such a way that it seems to the most logical thing to do is to dissolve our marriage so that my DH can have the family that he wants with someone who can reproduce.
I think that this battle has been overcome, at least for now. I have started the YAZ and have taken it 3 days now. Nothing to fret over yet and I hope it stays that way.
I had a meltdown on Sunday because I was supposed to start YAZ. The birth control pill. Part of the cause of the meltdown is the impact that it could have on my health. Blood clots, stoke, high blood pressure, etc. I had to stop taking birth control in the past because my BP got too high. The other cause of the meltdown was that it seems pretty ridicoulous to be taking birth control pills when you can't get preganant. My body doesn't work so why do I need to stop it from doing something it can't. Why are you taking them you ask? Because supposedly when the hormones are regulated by the birth control, the other parts of the body may function better. If the BCP can regulate my reproductive hormones, then theoretically, it should help my insulin level come down. Probably would work much better if I was eating low carb and taking my other meds but... I will get there.
I hate when I have meltdowns about something that comes naturally to so many other people. I hate feeling like I am a failure because I can't get pregnant. I hate feeling that the whole world is wondering if I actually am a woman since I don't work right. I hate feeling like I am not a good wife because I can't reproduce. Yes, I hate when my mind works in such a way that it seems to the most logical thing to do is to dissolve our marriage so that my DH can have the family that he wants with someone who can reproduce.
I think that this battle has been overcome, at least for now. I have started the YAZ and have taken it 3 days now. Nothing to fret over yet and I hope it stays that way.
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