Wednesday, May 23, 2007


There have been a lot of battles around here. Emotional, physical, mental, verbal, etc. Some have been won, others, well... not so much.

I had a meltdown on Sunday because I was supposed to start YAZ. The birth control pill. Part of the cause of the meltdown is the impact that it could have on my health. Blood clots, stoke, high blood pressure, etc. I had to stop taking birth control in the past because my BP got too high. The other cause of the meltdown was that it seems pretty ridicoulous to be taking birth control pills when you can't get preganant. My body doesn't work so why do I need to stop it from doing something it can't. Why are you taking them you ask? Because supposedly when the hormones are regulated by the birth control, the other parts of the body may function better. If the BCP can regulate my reproductive hormones, then theoretically, it should help my insulin level come down. Probably would work much better if I was eating low carb and taking my other meds but... I will get there.

I hate when I have meltdowns about something that comes naturally to so many other people. I hate feeling like I am a failure because I can't get pregnant. I hate feeling that the whole world is wondering if I actually am a woman since I don't work right. I hate feeling like I am not a good wife because I can't reproduce. Yes, I hate when my mind works in such a way that it seems to the most logical thing to do is to dissolve our marriage so that my DH can have the family that he wants with someone who can reproduce.

I think that this battle has been overcome, at least for now. I have started the YAZ and have taken it 3 days now. Nothing to fret over yet and I hope it stays that way.

1 comment:

Kristi said...

Awwww hon, I'm so sorry. :( While I can't understand the feeling of wanting a child, I DO know that you are NOT less of a woman or wife because of it! I know you know that....and I am very sorry you haven't been able to have the child you want. :(

I do feel that things have been better since I've been on the pill even though I don't need it for birth control reasons either.

Courage, my friend! I'm praying for you. :)