Friday, September 28, 2007

Sometimes it is good when it just fades to black...

I have watched ER since it started. I don't think I have missed an episode unless there is one from last year hanging out there. I am a huge fan and watch the reruns when they are on, even if I have seen that episode many times over.

I have to say, I wish that they would have ended it last season. It would have been a nice closure to end it with the wedding and the ER being closed... but no, they had to pull it back in. Now how are they going to end it?

I wasn't impressed with Stanley Tucci as the new chief. Not that he is a bad actor, I just don't think I am going to like or like to hate his character. This premiere was fast paced and heart wrenching. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore to continue with the heartwrenching ER when there isn't an original character left, unless there is a nurse--maybe Chuni or Connie but that is it.

Anyhow... it was good, made me cry, but... I can't pledge that I am going to continue to watch it because I really wanted it to end with the wedding.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Warning TMI ahead

Today has been an interesting day. I am wiped out and would love to take a nap but the workload really doesn't allow for that. I went to my appt this morning and she explained what she was doing and why/what for etc. I took two ibu before I left the house and I think it helped. It was uncomfortable and my body was not cooperating but it wasn't the horrible intense pain that I was expecting from others accounts. I guess I held my breath through part of it and she wouldn't let me get up right away because of that so I had to lay back for about five minutes or so in case I was going to pass out. No issues though.

Then the rest of the fun began. I ran downstairs to get blood drawn and had a comedian for a lab tech. He thinks I should watch the movie "shooter". He highly recommends it. He didn't like the second Bourne movie and hasn't seen the third yet but really liked the first. He was goofy and acted the way I believe my husband would if he did that for a living.

Next stop was scheduling the ultrasound which I couldn't make the appointment that they wanted for me but I do have it scheduled for Friday in the afternoon. I almost panicked and put work first because the owners are going out of town and leaving that day. The last time they both were going out of town for the weekend I was sitting in the hospital with dh for his eye surgery so I am not batting a thousand here but hopefully they will be running on time and it should only take an hour or so. Maybe less...

She is looking for the reason why my periods are coming two weeks apart. I didn't really think that my midcycle spotting was really a period but she said that what I described was definitely a period flow and not just spotting. I did tell her that I spot all the time with abdominal exercise/work, intercourse, just about anything including bowel movements. Why I have right sided back and pelvic pain and some hormone abnormalities. Oh yea, and she is looking inside the uterus for uh... precancerous and cancerous cells. Joy.

Hopefully by the end of next week we will know it all!


Today should be interesting to say the least. I have my appt with my Ob/Gyn for the endometrial biopsy. Conveinent that I also need to talk to her about a possible cyst. Blech. Last September I started to repound and gained 18lbs and I stopped gaining once a cyst burst but I haven't been able to lose that weight. Since 9/1/07--- I am up 11 pounds. Now, sometimes with my cycle I can gain 12 so it is within that but it is a number that I haven't seen on the scale in a long time. Eating hasn't been great but I also have eaten 33,000 extra calories over the last 25 days either. But, it is there... and it is real. Dammit!

I haven't been back to see my endo because going to his office is stressful. He is in the same practice as my GP right now and their office personnel are just annoying. I have received the wrong refill of meds at least 3 times and everything is a big drama. If I need bloodwork paperwork it is just the end of the world. It is stressful just thinking about making the appt and having to go so guess what? I haven't gone. I need to switch but work has been so crazy it has been hard to find five minutes in the workday let alone the 15 or more I would need to go through all the new patient questions and such. What about right now you say? Aaa well, it is 5:30am and no dr's office I know is open now.

Breathe... Breathe.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Thank you

Thank you for the kind words about my answers to the questions for the book tour. I know that many of you will never see this most likely. This book got a bit under my skin in both good and bad ways.

I am facing my fears....

I scheduled my endometrial biopsy for next week. Hopefully it will be an easy thing and a quick visit with nothing funky in the results. I have to figure out why on earth my body bleeds the way it does at times if there is an answer. I understand there may not be an answer but hopefully there will be a simple one.

Monday, September 17, 2007

BBBT-- Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

The latest book for the Barren Bitches Book Tour has been Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman. It follows a woman through the adventures of step parenting and infant loss. The relationship between Emilia and William was interesting to see unfold. Emilia's thoughts about William intrigued me. I know that it is hard to learn to love another's child and I thought this particular relationship was difficult because of William's personality. The book was thought provoking and worth a read if you don't mind emotional story lines.

On to the questions, There were many thought provoking questions to choose from which is great but I am limited on time so I only chose three:

Is the way Emilia quantifies loss similar or dissimilar to what we all tend to do? (i.e. her reactions to the miscarriages of a friend and the number of names on a heart of another participant at the walk) Why or why don't we do this?

I think that Emilia is reacting that way that many people do. In my opinion, Emilia's view of others pain was tainted by her belief that she smothered her child.
Everyone of us will most likely believe, in the height of our grief, that our loss is the worst in the world. It is... in our own personal world. Reality is that each loss that a person experiences is at that moment or that period of time, the worst thing that they have gone through. Does it mean that a person who experiences a miscarriage and the loss of the hope of life that goes with it is any less hurt than the woman who has lost her child to preterm birth or the woman that experiences a SIDS death? I don't think so because each of us only has our own rose colored glasses to look through.Yes, we can sympathize and empathize but until it has happened to us, we just don't know the degree of pain.

I do think that some people feel that their pain supersedes others but is it right? I don't think so. Pain is pain, and loss is loss. Yes, there are degrees of loss and some do impact our lives more than others but at one point in every event, we are all experiencing the same loss of hope and level of pain.

Emilia obviously deals with some self-destructive tendencies. Can you relate to her feelings? Have you dealt with self-destructive feelings on your journey to parenthood?

The feeling of failure can be overwhelming at times. Yes, I have acted out in a self destructive manner many times over the last four years. I have a variety of methods... binge eating, drinking in excess, being a awful wife in many ways, and withdrawal from others. The worst days I attempt to soothe myself with all of them. I have found that it doesn't help and makes things worse but it is in and of itself a vicious circle that leads to more self destructive behavior.

Emilia describes in great detail her feelings of guilt regarding Isabel's death. For those of you who have experienced loss, did you feel responsible in some way? How did you handle those feelings?

My situation is unique in that I did not know that I was pregnant when I miscarried. I did not even realize at the time that I was miscarrying. By the time things got sorted out it was long after the fact and the certainty is questionable. The symptoms were there, the timing was right, but I didn't test until after the "weird period with a passing of a large amount of tissue" had occurred. I believe that what I experienced was a miscarriage. More than one doctor has alluded to it but no one has ever come out and said yes... that is what happened. They can't, I get that but others believe that since doctors never said it, it wasn't true. Whatever I experienced, I do feel responsible. I do feel that I am the reason we are childless. On the day that the event occurred, I had overexerted myself for several hours. If I could go back in time, I never would have completed the activity that I did. The money that I received for that day of strenuous work is not worth the pain, hurt, and agony that I have gone through since that time. Yes... I believe that I am responsible for the fact that we don't have a three year old child right now and I don't handle those feelings well. I turn to my self soothing, yet, destructive behaviors and have had many moments of tears, agony, and self defeating thoughts. With time, it gets better but at the same time, this whole journey is tainted by the thoughts that I killed our chance of hope. I keep these feelings to myself... because I am the only one that believes this happened to me. When we are "trying", I am overcautious in the 2WW period of my cycle. I don't want to have to face the feelings of responsibility again if I can help it.

Now head on over to the book tour hub and check out the other blogs participating in this discussion.Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #7 (Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston) and all are welcome to join along

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Observations on the road

I have been snapping some photos of items that caught my eye during inspections. I am still trying to figure out my new camera... I think I like Kodak better and will try to stick to that brand but this one works for now.

The first photos are of cicada casings. Several areas around here were saturated with them at the beginning of the summer. We didn't really notice them around here except I did find some of their skins/casings when I was gardening. It is very possible that we (DH or I) transported them from another town. I have noticed in spots where there were a lot of cicadas this year, there are lots of other bugs singing all the time. I'm starting to wonder if they are still around but in smaller quantities.

Does anyone know what type of caterpillar or bug this is?

Edited to add: I don't just think that I liked my kodaks better. I know that I did. I usually buy low end cameras because I drop them all time. This last time I went camera shopping, I couldn't find a Kodak camera for less than $175. Not bad but at the same time, I drop my camera all the time. The last few cameras I have had have been Kodaks and they usually survive quite a few "oops" moments. This last time I somehow got my camera caught in the doorjam of my car and when it fell out it smashed the LCD screen. It still took good pictures but I can't use a camera without a LCD screen due to the nature of my picture taking on most days. I am just disappointed in this camera because the pictures that I use the zoom function on don't seem to come out well at all. I didn't have that problem with any of my previous cameras. Kodak or off brand. Blah!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Just not right....

Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of the largest terrorist act that I have witnessed in my life. Is it the biggest tragedy? I don't know. I know that it would be for all of the people in New York and I feel for each and every one of them. But at the same time, what about New Orleans and the Gulf Coast? Or Indonesia? I am at a loss on how to describe the monumental events that have occurred in the last 6 years. I only pray and hope that similar events do not occur in the future.

Many times since 9/11 and Katrina I have thought about how I would have felt if these events had occurred closer to home. I don't have an answer. I hope I never have an answer. I still remember the emotions invoked on 9/11/01 and the days after. The bright lining was the birth of a very special young boy in our life a few days later. I experienced similar emotions after Katrina. I refuse to relate these emotions to other facets of my life right now because in the grand scheme of things, my problems are of little consequence. All day yesterday, I just felt not right. Things didn't go right and I felt like I was never in the right place. I can't place myself in others shoes but yesterday must have been a hard day for many others.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Busy, Busy

This weekend was a crazy one. We had to get new tires on my car and we need to get new brakes for it too sometime this week, I just didn't want to deal with it on Saturday. While we were waiting for the car we went to breakfast, got our hair cut, and got an oil change for the other car. By the time we were done, I was tired. I hadn't slept well the day before and I needed to reserve energy because we were babysitting overnight for 2 of our favorite kids.

Babysitting went well. Only 1 meltdown and a stubbed toe. Everything else was a blast. Mom and Dad enjoyed the time away and we got to pretend we were parents. Came home and napped for a bit and then had to run and do our regular weekend errands.

Work has been crazy and it still is so not much else

Monday, September 03, 2007

What a weekend...

It went by way to fast this Holiday weekend. We think it is because we worked on some stuff around the house but still didn't accomplish everything that we wanted to. We painted our fence and did some yard work. Today we had a very long bbq that could have been shortened by a few hours. Should have been so that the kid of the house could have taken a nap or at least had some quiet time.

I ate too much and now I am feeling it but I am not going to complain. Tomorrow is a new day and I need to figure out what my plan will be. I am down, depressed a bit, and trying not to console myself with food or drink. I am unsure of what can be accomplished during the rest of the year house wise and medical wise. I am overwhelmed by the number of phone calls that I really need to make. I don't know how to help a family member that really needs help. I am afraid of setting goals because I never meet them. I am worried...


Can it be Friday again please?

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Tongue in Chic

I just finished this book today. It is another mystery. I seem to be gravitating towards those lately. I have never read a book by Christina Dodd before but I am sure that I will pick up another one. It was fun, sexy, and a fairly quick read for me.