Friday, October 12, 2007

Voices in my head....

No amount of distraction is able to drown out my own voice shouting my thoughts today.

They aren't the greatest thoughts.

Leave your husband, he deserves better... you can't give him what he wants so let someone else do it.

You might as well just binge, you will always be fat anyways since your body is so screwy, just overeat... food will fill the hole.

Your worthless... you can't even do the basic biological thing a woman is built to do.

Take the birth control... you know you will never be pregnant anyways... heck, a stroke would be good punishment for you

You have never wanted to be pregnant anyways before... why can't you just accept what you have always known, adoption is your option This is true, I only wanted to become pregnant when I decided that I wanted to give my husband--his child that would look up to me with his eyes I hoped.

Your child is waiting for you at Lifelink!

This last one has been in my head for almost a year... where my mind comes up with this stuff I only wish I knew. When it first started running through my head, I hadn't thought of lifelink since High school. In my senior year, I declared that I would never actually get pregnant, I was going to adopt. I didn't want to be pregnant and I felt "called" to adopt anyhow. So it worked. I wish I still had that level of faith that I did then. I wish I still had that support system to fall back on but I don't... I lost my faith awhile ago. I doubt I will ever find it again.

I am going off to find a way to quiet the voices in my head for a bit. Shopping sounds good!


calliope said...

oh Deb. I am so sorry.
Is there anyone that you can work this stuff out with? These are HUGE hurdles and you shouldn't have to wade through them alone.
But please, please be kinder to yourself. You do NOT deserve what is going on- no one does. You do not need to punish yourself.
Sending yo lots of love.

Kristi said...

I couldn't say it better than calliope did. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish I could give you a big hug and make it better. :( Don't keep struggling with this alone!

Abi said...

I really hate that you are dealing with all of these things Deb. I wish I could say something to make you feel better... but I know how friggin' desperate PCOS can make you feel... just know I am thinking of you.