Struggling...

I am really struggling with my weight loss goals. I can't seem to see beyond the moment right now and am making bad choices. It is not a good thing. It is not a horrible thing but definitely not good. I am not binging. That is a plus. I am just choosing foods that I shouldn't. I am not exercising the way that I should though I am getting more in than I have in most "off the road" phases previously.

I am holding on by a thread to not binge. I don't want to sit here and drown my sorrows in food. I don't want to bury my anger in ice cream. This is so different than it has been in the past. But I am still struggling. I still am stopping for fast food when I could go home and eat veggies and fruit. I am choosing foods that are not good for my insulin level when I know that I shouldn't be. I am not taking my meds the way that I should be.

All of these things are adding up to no success. As of this morning, I am sitting at 4.5lbs over my January 1st weigh in. That is 18lbs over my lowest weight from last September. I can't blame all of it on hormones... but the desire is there. I need to find my MOJO again and I don't know where it is... I don't know where to look.

Part of the problem is that I am so afraid of having to find a bathroom when I am out on appointments so I don't always eat when I should. This makes it harder to stay on plan. I did find a breakfast that fills me up for awhile... so maybe I will stick with that and see how it goes. Sounds crazy to let bathroom locations dictate your eating habits but I don't know what else to do. I was doing okay when I was taking my pills on a regular basis but then I would eat too many carbs and things would not be good.

Updated: I did take my pills as required today, however, I ate way too much garlic bread at dinner and had a carb fest in the afternoon. One of these days it will all flow the way it should.

Confession is supposed to be a good thing right?

So I have a huge confession to make. Well...it is only huge in that it was a lot of food and it is part of the reason that I am so huge.

I ate a large cheese pizza for lunch today. Well...most of it. There was one piece that I demolished and my loving prince of a cat stole the cheese from (and he ate it and now he wants food--I don't think so.) Why did I do it? I have been craving pizza but this was pretty nasty pizza...at least after the first two pieces it tasted pretty blah. I didn't eat yesterday...well, I ate some cheezits and some rolos yesterday. That's it. Today before the pizza I had some cheese nips and cherry zero. Yes, My eating sucks right now. I said before I am in a funk. It got worse over the weekend--Sunday to be exact and now I am going from not eating to binging again. I hate that cycle. I wish I could figure out how to stop it. I wish that when food doesn't taste good, that I could just say no. I wish that I had craved the salad and fruit in my fridge. I wish that I could have gone anywhere but to that pizza place today. I wish that after my detour I would have just found a different way home so that I wouldn't have stopped.

Where has my control gone? Did I ever really have it? yes, I know that I did. Yes, I know that I can choose to take a different way home if I don't feel I am strong enough to pass by some place without stopping. I know this, I have done this and I am not ashamed. Part of it has to do with going through some of my Pops stuff this weekend but some of it started before. If I don't gain control, I am going to end up very sick. If I don't gain control, I am going to gain all my weight back. If I don't gain control, I will never live the life I want to live. If I don't gain control....I will lose the life that I have. If I don't gain control.... if I gain control, I may end up not knowing who I am.