Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Confession is supposed to be a good thing right?

So I have a huge confession to make. Well...it is only huge in that it was a lot of food and it is part of the reason that I am so huge.

I ate a large cheese pizza for lunch today. Well...most of it. There was one piece that I demolished and my loving prince of a cat stole the cheese from (and he ate it and now he wants food--I don't think so.) Why did I do it? I have been craving pizza but this was pretty nasty pizza...at least after the first two pieces it tasted pretty blah. I didn't eat yesterday...well, I ate some cheezits and some rolos yesterday. That's it. Today before the pizza I had some cheese nips and cherry zero. Yes, My eating sucks right now. I said before I am in a funk. It got worse over the weekend--Sunday to be exact and now I am going from not eating to binging again. I hate that cycle. I wish I could figure out how to stop it. I wish that when food doesn't taste good, that I could just say no. I wish that I had craved the salad and fruit in my fridge. I wish that I could have gone anywhere but to that pizza place today. I wish that after my detour I would have just found a different way home so that I wouldn't have stopped.

Where has my control gone? Did I ever really have it? yes, I know that I did. Yes, I know that I can choose to take a different way home if I don't feel I am strong enough to pass by some place without stopping. I know this, I have done this and I am not ashamed. Part of it has to do with going through some of my Pops stuff this weekend but some of it started before. If I don't gain control, I am going to end up very sick. If I don't gain control, I am going to gain all my weight back. If I don't gain control, I will never live the life I want to live. If I don't gain control....I will lose the life that I have. If I don't gain control.... if I gain control, I may end up not knowing who I am.


Kristi said...

Fear...I hear fear in your post, both fear of failing and fear of success. What do you think you will find when you succeed? Why do you think you won't know who you are?

I hear you doing alot of what I did and still do before I stop myself. My counselor pointed out that everything I would say I'd find a way to cut myself down or beat myself up about it. It may sound like a simple, meaningless thing, but it's amazing when you make a conscious effort NOT to, you see just how much harm you are doing yourself. It's a hard habit to break, I know.

I can't really address binge eating because I've not experienced it, but I know that eating regular meals will help you resist when your mind makes you want to punish yourself. You're such a neat person - I wish you could see it! :) You're beautiful, intelligent, witty, and so caring! I hate to see you in such pain...I wish there was much more I could do to help. :-/

I'm always here to talk if you need to, IM or phone. Sometimes having someone to listen can help you get a handle on your emotions enough to be able to weather the storm. Heaven knows you've listened to me alot lately! :) Pouring out my sorrows in an e-mail is better than sitting here sobbing all evening.

Deb said...

Fear has been a big driver in the past of not getting the weight off...but I thought I had moved past it. Yet, I find that I haven't which is so frustrating. It amazes me when I see people lose weight so effortlessly. What the heck is wrong with me (besides my screwy hormones) that doesn't make it easy? I wish I knew.

You are definately right, I find ways to cut myself down constantly. I think it stems from the constant criticism I received growing up. It always seemed like everything I did was wrong...even when it wasn't. For a long time, since I just assumed everything would be wrong, I just did the wrong things anyways. Nothing too horrible mind you because I didn't like the consequences...but I think I still hold on to that a lot.

thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it!

You are all those things too you know!