So I have a huge confession to make. Well...it is only huge in that it was a lot of food and it is part of the reason that I am so huge.
I ate a large cheese pizza for lunch today. Well...most of it. There was one piece that I demolished and my loving prince of a cat stole the cheese from (and he ate it and now he wants food--I don't think so.) Why did I do it? I have been craving pizza but this was pretty nasty pizza...at least after the first two pieces it tasted pretty blah. I didn't eat yesterday...well, I ate some cheezits and some rolos yesterday. That's it. Today before the pizza I had some cheese nips and cherry zero. Yes, My eating sucks right now. I said before I am in a funk. It got worse over the weekend--Sunday to be exact and now I am going from not eating to binging again. I hate that cycle. I wish I could figure out how to stop it. I wish that when food doesn't taste good, that I could just say no. I wish that I had craved the salad and fruit in my fridge. I wish that I could have gone anywhere but to that pizza place today. I wish that after my detour I would have just found a different way home so that I wouldn't have stopped.
Where has my control gone? Did I ever really have it? yes, I know that I did. Yes, I know that I can choose to take a different way home if I don't feel I am strong enough to pass by some place without stopping. I know this, I have done this and I am not ashamed. Part of it has to do with going through some of my Pops stuff this weekend but some of it started before. If I don't gain control, I am going to end up very sick. If I don't gain control, I am going to gain all my weight back. If I don't gain control, I will never live the life I want to live. If I don't gain control....I will lose the life that I have. If I don't gain control.... if I gain control, I may end up not knowing who I am.