2008 Goals--Updated

I was going to write up a list for 101 things in 1000 days but in all honesty, I don't want to plan that far ahead right now. So, I made a short list for 2008. Hopefully this will be done quickly and then I will need to come up with stuff for the back half of 2008 but right now... this is about as much as I am willing to commit.

1. Read 5 non fiction books not related to infertility

2. Read 3 classic books

3. See 1 play

4. Eat Indian Food

5. Work on my Lifestyle goals for 2008 (Posted at 3 fat chicks)

6. Read Intuitive Eating

7. See 12 movies in the theatre

8. Go to the Planetarium

9. Go to the Burpee Museum

10. See Blue Man Group

11. Redo backyard landscaping

12. Volunteer at 2 events

13. Finish the kitchen

14. Install doors on the laundry

15. Make the 3rd bedroom liveable space of some sort

16. Read 3 Biographies not related to Infertility

17. Go to at least one agency introduction meeting

18. Attend 6 consecutive Sundays at the Church in town we have wanted to try

19. Refinish deck or decide to build new one and actually do it

20. Go to Oklahoma for Memorial Day



Updated items added

Never been so Happy...

for a year to come to a close. This has been a rough one. Even though there were good things in it and interesting things that occurred; the crap that was ruled the universe for a very long time.

Right now I am just working on how to improve my attitude and let things go so that 2008 can be a great year.

Happy New Year!!!

A wish...

Of Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays.

If you are celebrating this week have a wonderful time.

and the scrambling begins...

Two days left to shop... I don't shop on Christmas Eve if I can avoid it. The last few years I have already been done by now but, things were a bit more complicated this year. I need to make some chocolate pretzel things but I couldn't find rolos at the store yesterday. I bought carmel kisses instead but will continue to look for the rolos. Wrapping hasn't begun but I am okay with that.

Sometime between now and Monday I need to write up at least one report for work... it is due to the bank on Monday so it must get done.

We still have to run and get gifts that we are picking up for others---not just for ourselves are we behind. I actually have more done than I thought but the house never got decorated and even the outside didn't get as much as was planned. Oh well... it is just one year.

The scale was nicer to me today than it has been so if I can keep control... I might be able to say that the damage is much less than I thought or maybe even no damage at all. All I can do is try right? I won't avoid things I want right now but I don't have to go out of my way to get Chips and Guacamole at Taco Fresco between now and January 1st right?

Interesting Product

Does anyone have one of these ?

Why I must be the most pathetic person alive...

Today I POAS. Why? Well, I am constipated, constantly spotting, have a stuffy nose that won't go away, weird stomach twinges have been occurring on a regular basis, and have noticed a "hard spot" in my stomach occasionally. Don't bother to remind me that I have so much abdominal fat that I could probably never find a hard "baby" spot if I ever did get pregnant, the fact that I have been on BCP for 2.5 months, and the lack of BD'ing anytime recently. But, I was holding out hope that since I have been spotting since the end of my period in pack 2 and now the same in pack 3, that it must not be working so a positive was possible. Of course, just like the 100's of others, it was negative.

I'm holding out hope that by the end of this pack the daily spot will be over... if not gone by the middle of week 2 in pack 4, I'm calling the nurse. The only reason I am waiting that long is that all over the Internet you find advice that it takes 3 full months to get it together sometimes.

It's been a rough year... thank goodness it is over in 11 days and 3 hours.

Elf

I picked up Elf the other day at the library. Oh my, I don't usually like Will Farrell movies but I have to admit this was a funny movie and it left me wanting to see a sequel. That doesn't happen often. If you have been afraid to watch Elf because you are not fond of Will Farrell then try to put your feelings aside and invest in a bit of Holiday cheer. It may be worth it to you... it was to me!

Don't know...

What is up with me right now. I am a raging witch to my recovering husband. Right now the house is a disaster (far better than it has been in the past) but not at all in "holiday shape". I didn't get the rest of the decorations up outside and have only hung a lonely stocking on a convienent at the time doorknob.

Part of it is that I am still sick but haven't felt that I have had the time to run to the doctor (even though it would be the convienent care clinic, not the actual dr since I want to switch). Part of it is that DH is still in pain quite often... along with all the other stress dealing with surgery recovery. Up until last night we had barely 15% of our Christmas shopping completed but that was remedied at Target... however, all those gifts are for the weekend after Christmas so... I still have to find the gifts for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day! As usual, we aren't shopping for each other so that kind of bums me out but at the same time is a bit of a blessing this year. Work has been insanely busy but mainly by one client that was assigning stuff directly to me. Okay so due to my good turnaround rate they decided to completely overload me and now I won't have much work from them for a few days/weeks because my turnaround now stinks since they sent over 10 orders to be done in 3 days. That is pretty hard to do with trying to manage my other orders, take care of my personal stuff, and I don't know...sleep?

My eating has been eh... some days out of control, some days I didn't eat much. Some days I just make bad choices... yesterday I ate a bunch of chips and guacamole... yummy but I didn't need all that I ate.

Anyhow... Today I am off to bake cookies and then later on attend a graduation party. Tomorrow is the actual graduation and sometime before Monday morning I need to work a whole bunch. Fun weekend! :)

Have fun shopping!

YAY! They found stones...

Yes, I am excited about that. Yes, my dh is excited about that also. It increases the chances that this surgery will eliminate his pain. There were also some adhesions on the gallbladder but I didn't get the details... bad wife. I figured he could explain it at the follow up appointment in two weeks.

He was in rough shape on Thursday. Friday was a bit better and today is even better
so far. Quite a bit more pain than he anticipated. The pain pills didn't work so great on Thursday and Friday but seem to be helping now. He is taking two every four hours... I just hope that they let me refill it today because otherwise he will miss a few doses before the pharmacy opens in the morning. I am going to wait to call it in until noon and go from there.

Anyhow... that is what I know. Neither one of us is sleeping in greater than 3 hour increments right now. I did sleep a bit more last night and a bit better because I went upstairs and he eventually followed me. That did help but I still don't really want to do much :) and I am the healthy one!

well... it's on!

Tomorrow sometime... not sure yet as for some strange reason preplanned surgeries only get scheduled the day before around here is seems... Dh will hopefully be on his way to being pain free after eating. Doctor approved him to go ahead with the surgery to remove his gallbladder even though he has a bit of a cold.

This is the third time that he is going under general anesthesia this year. Some how he has caught up to me (over 7 years) in less than 12 months time. A bit scarey but if this eases his pain at all... it will be worth it.

Prayers, healthy vibes, all the good stuff appreciated.

Zesty Turkey burgers

I tried this recipe last night. I added a chopped small purple onion, extra green pepper, and a tbls of dijon to mix. I skipped the cheese. I also broiled the tops for about a minute. These were really moist and definately something that we will eat again. Next time I will add more dijon mustard before making the patties and will broil both sides or cook on the grill.

Movie Meme

I saw this Meme on a blog I read and decided it might be a fun one.

The ones in bold I've seen beginning to end, whereas the ones with an asterisk* I've only seen portions of. I've read the book version of only 1... The English Patient and that would be in italics... if I didn't already have an intalicized font .


2006 The Departed

2005 Crash

2004 Million Dollar Baby

2003 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

2002 Chicago*

2001 A Beautiful Mind

2000 Gladiator

1999 American Beauty--- This one is sitting on top of the tv from netflix as I type

1998 Shakespeare in Love*

1997 Titanic

1996 The English Patient

1995 Braveheart*

1994 Forrest Gump

1993 Schindler's List

1992 Unforgiven

1991 Silence of the Lambs

1990 Dances with Wolves

1989 Driving Miss Daisy

1988 Rain Man

1987 The Last Emperor

1986 Platoon*

1985 Out of Africa

1984 Amadeus

1983 Terms of Endearment

1982 Gandhi

1981 Chariots of Fire

1980 Ordinary People

1979 Kramer Vs. Kramer

1978 The Deer Hunter

1977 Annie Hall

1976 Rocky

1975 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

1974 The Godfather Part II *

1973 The Sting

1972 The Godfather *

1971 The French Connection

1970 Patton *

1969 Midnight Cowboy

1968 Oliver!

1967 In the Heat of the Night

1966 A Man for All Seasons

1965 The Sound of Music

1964 My Fair Lady

1963 Tom Jones

1962 Lawrence of Arabia

1961 West Side Story

1960 The Apartment

1959 Ben-Hur

1958 Gigi

1957 The Bridge on the River Kwai

1956 Around the World in 80 Days *

1955 Marty

1954 On the Waterfront

1953 From Here to Eternity

1952 The Greatest Show on Earth

1951 An American in Paris

1950 All About Eve

1949 All the King's Men

1948 Hamlet

1947 Gentleman's Agreement

1946 The Best Years of Our Lives

1945 The Lost Weekend

1944 Going My Way

1943 Casablanca

1942 Mrs. Miniver

1941 How Green Was My Valley

1940 Rebecca

1939 Gone With the Wind

1938 You Can't Take It With You

1937 The Life of Emile Zola

1936 The Great Ziegfeld

1935 Mutiny on the Bounty

1934 It Happened One Night

1933 Cavalcade

1932 Grand Hotel

1931 Cimarron

1930 All Quiet on the Western Front

1929 The Broadway Melody

1928 Sunrise

1927 Wings

Free Rice

Have you checked out Free Rice yet? Go spend some time learning and donating food at the same time.

Rough Time of It

The holiday season seems to get harder and harder each year for me. I wish that I could just sit back and enjoy the preparation, food, and family without any resentment but I can't. I can't let myself get to that point to enjoy what I have. I don't want what I have if I can't have what I want. Why is that? Why can't I just enjoy family times, workfree days, and good food?

Because to me, my life, seems to be doing nothing. I don't feel I have a purpose since I am not building a future. I want so much to be Thankful for what I have and what I am right now but I don't know how because of the wall that bitterness has built around me.

Hopefully, I can figure out a way to break that wall... but right now, I can't even see thru it.

Guest at the Gas Pump

Taken during some warmer weather a few weeks back.

Dh and I shopping

from xkcd.com.

Chicken Tortilla Stew

Last night I made Chicken Tortilla Stew for dinner. It came out pretty good. I will definately make it again but next time I want to try verde enchileda sauce instead of rojo. I added bell peppers and onions to the recipe and I think that I will most likely make that a permanent addition. It ups the veggies and personally, I love both so... yep, it is a go. I didn't use any tortilla chips or cilantro but we did top it with cheese and sour cream.

I used 5 chicken breasts (one whole package of large ones) and we ended up with 2 big bowls each, 1 leftover portion each, and a half gallon ice cream container full in the freezer. The recipe says that it is 9 servings for the original recipe but I think that I got at least an additional 2 with the extra veggies.

Check it out...

Vote in the Weblog Awards!

Head on over to the Weblog Awards and vote for you favorite blogs. At the same time, do me a favor and vote for Stirrup Queens in the medical catagory. This is the infertility blog that offers a ton of information and ways to vent, play, and tune out for a bit. The community would love to see her win and I am including myself in that also, so go on VOTE!

Take a trip... virtually

Really cool website

Hanging in there...

I am hanging in there... I have been on my own now for almost 24 hours. I did have a two food slips but nothing like things have been in the past when DH has left town. I am choosing to not go out in the cold today because if I do, I know that I will stop for some hot, greasy food and that is the last thing that I want to do right now.

So... I think I can hang in there, even if he ends up staying extra days.

Is this the future of many towns?

Have you caught this story yet? There are videos on Yahoo and on the page that I linked to. Personally, I didn't watch the video because if I wanted video I would seek it out on TV but hey, to each their own. Anyhow... to me this is slightly scary. I don't know if this is just one town's experience for now or if it is a glimpse into the future. I am sure that they can't be the first town to run out of water.

In our area, most of the suburbs use the same water source as the big metropolitan area. Our community though is still on community wells. We are located near a river and have several community wells that are still producing water on a pretty regular basis. In fact, this last summer we didn't even have watering restrictions that were published so the tanks must have been fuller than the year before. Even thru the worst of it, our water restrictions were loose compared to other towns.

We aren't so great at conserving water around here... but we do try. I turn off the faucet when brushing my teeth or washing up. We don't water the lawn but we do water the bushes, flowers, and trees if necessary.


Does this situation concern you? What methods do you use to conserve water?

The sugar crash

So yesterday I went through 2.5 bulk bags of candy plus almost a half box of animal crackers for the mounds of T or Trs that were under the age of 3. Several were under 1. Last year we maybe had 2 that were infants but usually in large groups. This year that wasn't the case.

I ate way too many tootsie rolls and carmels yesterday. I have offered the remainder of the candy to a woman looking to fill some pinantas on freecycle but of course she didn't respond. She asked before trick or treating was over but you would think that she would have checked her email after it was over. I didn't know if I was going to have left overs. I have 2 boxes of lollipops to go back to Sam's club today. I can't eat them anyways because of the evil food colorings!

Today starts a new challenge and hopefully this time I will do a bit better. The challenge that ended today I only succeeded on not buying candy or opening it before Halloween. Yay! I showed a gain this morning but with the amount of candy I ate yesterday I am not surprised at all. Most likely it will be gone in a few days but only if I work on lowering my carbs... blah! I wish I really liked meat.

Anyhow! Im off to get some water.

BBBT--Happiness Sold Seperately

This Book Tour round is Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston. I really enjoyed this book. I had listened to it on audio book previously and would find myself laughing aloud at the gym and then when I read it this time around I was still laughing at moments. I was pleased that it didn't necessarily turn out to be the Happy, romantic tale that could have been written on the subject. I don't usually read books more than once but for some reason this one has pulled me in and I'm thinking I might pick it up again.


In the beginning of Chapter 4, Elinor finds it difficult to look at a newborn and its mother in the seat next to her. She says she isn't so much sad that she can't have a baby of her own but that she can't give her husband a child. Do you find your infertility more painful because of your desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth or because of your desire to see your spouse as a father?

I would have to say that it has more to due with the desire to see DH as a dad then the actual pregnant part of it. I never really wanted to get pregnant until I wanted to have "his" child. Adoption had always been the prominent choice in my head until that moment that some natural desire came over me to procreate with my husband. It doesn't really make it any easier but as I continue to remind myself that the goal is to parent, not necessarily be pregnant, the pain seems to lessen until the next person gets pregnant most likely.

I feel like the author was trying to show all sides of these complicated relationships, wanting you to sympathize with Elinor, Ted, Gina and Toby. Did you find yourself able to sympathize, or at least not dislike, all of these characters?

Definitely, even though Ted's behavior was out of line, I still found myself wanting his marriage to ride out the difficult times. Toby, well, I liked him. Winston definitely portrayed a confused 10 year old and one that is a bit offbeat at the same time. Gina and Elinor seemed to be polar opposites and they were both interesting in their unique way.

Elinor's thought on page 47 really struck me: "When Elinor was paying attention to her career, she should have been paying attention to her biological clock. When she was paying attention to her biological clock, she should have been paying attention to her husband." It made me wonder: Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? Are you?

No, I don't think I am paying attention to what I should be. I should be focusing on losing weight, exercising, and getting involved in the community. Yet, I am paralyzed in all ways to do anything about any of it. I let work overrun my schedule so that I don't have time to work out or to volunteer. I run out of the house without preplanning my food for the road. So, no, I am not paying attention to what I should be paying attention to and my dh gets the backlash of anger based on the disappointment from not doing what I know I should be doing instead of what I am doing. I have to focus on my health though... If I don't, pregnancy will never be an option and I won't live as long as I could.

Elinor takes up laundry and Ted works on the hutch. What new hobbies did you pick up or abandon during treatments?

I wish... I have some hobby items stored away that never get worked on. I have a gym membership that is rarely used. I wish that those activities would take the mind into a different direction. I will say that I have immersed myself in books and movies though at times when the angst has been too great to do much else.

How did you feel about Toby? Do you think he manipulated the situation too much? Was it strange to you that Ted was willing to be a father figure to Toby, but did not want to talk about adoption with Elinor?

I thought that Toby was a typical 10 year old that was a bit out of the mainstream. He got tossed into a situation that he didn't want to be in. He was feeling rejection from his father and step mom since they basically kicked him out and sent him to live with Gina, who he did not really like. Toby didn't seem to really like anything about his mother or her life. I think that part of it was typical preteen behavior but part of it was that he thought she could do better and he was grabbing at that with Ted. He knew that even though Ted was married he was the best choice that Gina had made in dating over the past several attempts.

With the exception of the mall scene for the Tutoring interview, I really didn't feel that he was manipulating anything. I think that any kid, who really wanted better for both himself and his mom, probably would have done the same.

I really didn't find it too odd that Ted was willing to be a mentor to Toby and wasn't all that thrilled with the thought of adoption. The process of adoption is very invasive just like other fertility treatments. Tutoring and mentoring Toby was just something that could fill time and would keep him close to Gina, who I think in the end, he was really in love with even though he still loved Elinor.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour? Jump on in for the next one. Sign up at Stirrup Queens for the next tour discussing The Handmaid's Tale All you need is a book and a blog!

Day 16

Today I take my 16th BCP pill. I have gained a few pounds. I need to push more water over the next few days. I am cramping and I don't understand that... they aren't ovulation cramps either. The back pain that I talked to the dr about and that prompted the ultrasound is back too. Yay!

I think I am in a bit of a better place with taking the BCP pill than I was 16 days ago but it still isn't my preferred plan. But, well, I have a lot of work to do on myself so I need this time.

The whole idea of stringing 14 good days together has failed several weeks in a row so I think I am going to give up on that. I am working on developing a challenge to get through the holidays.

That's my update... for what it is worth.

Netflix Discovery

So DH discovered that he can set up his own queue for Netflix. Now that we are back at 2 at a time, the goal is that there should always be a movie that we each want to watch. We'll see...

Anyways, he received the first movie that he chose last week and we watched it last night. He chose Cypher. It was interesting to say the least. I will admit that I did fall asleep for a short while but I think that was just my energy level, not the movie. If you like spy movies or techie thrillers you might be interested in this movie.

Click for Cans!

It's Back! Campbell's click for cans for the NFL is back. Even if you aren't a football fan but you have a local team you can help them earn food for a local food pantry. Campbell's is donating food to the winning team's food pantry. Green Bay is in the lead again... so maybe you have a different favorite team. Get the word out!

Here is the link:

http://www.chunky.com/clickforcansvote.aspx

MMMMM....

Homemade veggie soup... takes some of the edge off of the dreary day.

I couldn't fit celery in the pot with all the other stuff and I am definitely missing the flavor but that is okay. It is more important that I used the veggies in the fridge before they were rotten :) .

I started with a bit of olive oil, 3 cloves of garlic chopped, and a medium onion. I added in some leftover chopped red onion, most of a head of cabbage, most of a head of cauliflower, most of a bag of carrot chips, and a half bag of frozen collard greens. Then I poured in some pearl barley and 5 cans of "Fit ~N~ Active" chicken broth. Black pepper, Mrs dash original, parsley, and Italian seasoning were added throughout the cooking process and now... it is just simmering away. There is definitely a lack of broth, normally I use 6 cans but I only had room for 5.

It came out pretty yummy but still, I'm missing the celery.


Now if I can just stop nibbling on it...

Day 3

Today will be the day I take my 3rd BCP. I should be looking at how I can accomplish my goals while making my hormones better right? Yet... I am not. I haven't binged, that's a good thing. I still think I am not being fair to my husband and that one of us should leave... but in my heart I know that my head is just in the wrong place. I printed out the application forms for Lifelink but I don't know if the foster app is different or not. Both of us were overwhelmed when we looked at all of the information that they would require us to supply. I wish I could say that my trepidation magically disappeared but that would be a lie... the only thing that has appeared is the constant headache that I hope will go away with time.

Blog Action Day

This year's blog action day is about the enviroment. There are many different ways that we can help keep things "green" in our house and in our neighborhood. Lately, with the fall, and other things, Death has been on my mind. I have been researching green funerals. This is one of the most concise explanations of green funerals that I have found recently. The movement towards green burials and conservation burials is still pretty new. Personally, it is the choice for me because my family has always followed the full burial trend but then doesn't have a tradition of returning to the cemetary on any regular basis. It can be years in between visits and usually those visits are only if someone happens to be in the area. Since this is the case, I honestly don't see why the burial can't give something back instead of just taking up needed resources both of land and energy.

Here are a few other links on green burial:

Green Options.com

What is an Eco-Cemetary?

Eco-Caskets


What are your burial traditions?

Voices in my head....

No amount of distraction is able to drown out my own voice shouting my thoughts today.

They aren't the greatest thoughts.

Leave your husband, he deserves better... you can't give him what he wants so let someone else do it.

You might as well just binge, you will always be fat anyways since your body is so screwy, just overeat... food will fill the hole.

Your worthless... you can't even do the basic biological thing a woman is built to do.

Take the birth control... you know you will never be pregnant anyways... heck, a stroke would be good punishment for you

You have never wanted to be pregnant anyways before... why can't you just accept what you have always known, adoption is your option This is true, I only wanted to become pregnant when I decided that I wanted to give my husband--his child that would look up to me with his eyes I hoped.

Your child is waiting for you at Lifelink!

This last one has been in my head for almost a year... where my mind comes up with this stuff I only wish I knew. When it first started running through my head, I hadn't thought of lifelink since High school. In my senior year, I declared that I would never actually get pregnant, I was going to adopt. I didn't want to be pregnant and I felt "called" to adopt anyhow. So it worked. I wish I still had that level of faith that I did then. I wish I still had that support system to fall back on but I don't... I lost my faith awhile ago. I doubt I will ever find it again.

I am going off to find a way to quiet the voices in my head for a bit. Shopping sounds good!

Test Results Came back (Warning TMI ahead)

Test results came back. Nothing odd... they didn't mention that a cyst burst during the ultrasound but that is okay. Bloodwork came back with my FSH:LH indicating PCOS... well duh. Biopsy came back just indicating a normal stage of menses. However, it took them forever to get back to me and my period started on it's own, nice and heavy. So the instructions that she had given the nurse need to be checked out since I started and she was going to give me provera.

My problem is that I don't usually have a problem getting my period, with the exception of when I was on metformin, but that sometimes it comes too often now. I didn't realize until I talked to her that it was coming every 12 to 14 days instead of every 30. She also wants me to start YAZ again but to watch my diet and exercise while I am on it.

I have really mixed feeling about being on the birth control pill. On one hand I totally understand that unless my hormones get under control, I could attempt to lose weight until I am blue in the face and it won't happen. I know that I am not healthy enough to deal with a pregnancy. But on the other hand.... I want to be pregnant, not preventing it.

I need to face the reality... naturally and not naturally, I will never be a mother... it just isn't in the cards for me.
The money and the support for adoption just isn't there, so no, it is not an option.

My husband would make such a good dad... I hate that because of me... he won't get the opportunity.

Not Your Mom's Sloppy Joes recipe

I was playing around with sloppy joes this week and came up with a combo that my dh and I really liked.



Approximately 1lb extra lean ground beef (95-97%)
1 large onion (less if you aren't an onion fan)
3/4 to a full red bell pepper
1.5 cups sliced mushrooms (more or less if you don't like mushrooms)
2 small cans tomato sauce
1 tbls minced garlic
3 shakes Worcester sauce (about 3 tbls)
2 shakes chipolte Tabasco sauce (about 2tsps)
Black pepper to taste

spray skillet with nonstick spray such as pam. Start to sweat the onions and the garlic out. After a few minutes add the ground beef and break it up into small chunks. Add the bell pepper and mushrooms. When the meat is cooked, if desired, drain and rinse (I didn't do this because there wasn't a whole lot of drippings in the pan). Add black pepper to your taste, tomato sauce, Worcester sauce, and chipolte sauce. Mix well and then let it simmer until the sauce thickens up to your desired thickness and the onions are cooked through.

Serve over whole grain bun/bread of your choice.

Dunt, Dunt.. Dunnnn

Everything I have to say is pretty negative right now. My fave team, lack of medical results, strange occurances in our neighborhood that the police are keeping out of the news, Cycle day 30 and no AF and a negative test, work stupidity,--these are just a few of the reasons sooo...

I did finish Dying for Chocolate By Diane Mott Davidson and I was glad that I picked up the second in the series. It had some interesting recipes in it and was an interesting plot. In the end, I hadn't even thought about that story line as an option so I always enjoy a mystery that keeps me surprised. If you like easy reading mysteries... start with Catering for Nobody and then if you enjoy it, move on to this. Although... it would definately be readable without reading the first one, which is always nice too.

Ok, Blog silence for a bit... back when I have some news or something good to say.

Netflix Discovery

I had been searching movies before and came across this movie previously. Today I was aggravated because I went to finish Failure to Launch and it got stuck in the exact same spot again. I had cleaned the disc before but it still had issues. I am going to try it in my laptop but otherwise I am sending it back without finishing it.

Anyhow, I'm Reed Fish was an interesting movie that in a way reminded me of Northern Exposure. I don't think this film got released nationally but it was worth watching. If you like movies about small town, every day life, with a few eccentric characters than most likely you will enjoy this film.

Tuesday TV

I guess I really should find something to do on Tuesday nights. There is nothing that interests me on TV at all. After 7:30... I'm lost. Currently I do like The Singing Bee because it is short and to the point. Plus it usually has a theme--Tonight's was 1 hit wonders. I haven't been getting into too many game shows lately.

I used to be a big fan of The Biggest Loser but a lot of times, it would work against my motivation instead of enhancing it. Since I have been really down lately on my weight and lack of progress, watching the teams fight it out in such an overexercising lifestyle, is not a good idea.

Maybe... naw, there are no exercises classes that I can do at the gym but I guess I could plan a long workout for Tuesday nights.

HAHAHA! That would mean that I would have to exercise and get to the gym.

Happiness Challenge # 1

Whoops... I forgot to post about this earlier. Guess that is pretty indicative of how this challenge went. It was a bust. Mel at Stirrup Queens was hosting a Happiness Challenge for the month of September. The idea was to come up with a ritual that would make you happy and commit to doing it at least once a week if not more. My ritual was to have breakfast with my DH three times per week. While it was a great idea, in reality, my dh is not the best person to plan on spending the morning with apparently.

I kept a record for the first week and only had breakfast twice with DH. Both of those started off pretty rocky. Otherwise, we had breakfast together twice more the entire month. The first attempt out of the gate happened to be on a day that he was really cranky and he had a hissy fit just as we were sitting down to eat. This put a big damper on even trying again but I did. We had a pleasant breakfast a few days later while we were getting ready for work. Otherwise one breakfast attempt was out and it was ruined by both of our cranky moods for the day. I believe that we had another breakfast at home that was short but calm.

Sometimes it is good when it just fades to black...

I have watched ER since it started. I don't think I have missed an episode unless there is one from last year hanging out there. I am a huge fan and watch the reruns when they are on, even if I have seen that episode many times over.


I have to say, I wish that they would have ended it last season. It would have been a nice closure to end it with the wedding and the ER being closed... but no, they had to pull it back in. Now how are they going to end it?

I wasn't impressed with Stanley Tucci as the new chief. Not that he is a bad actor, I just don't think I am going to like or like to hate his character. This premiere was fast paced and heart wrenching. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore to continue with the heartwrenching ER when there isn't an original character left, unless there is a nurse--maybe Chuni or Connie but that is it.

Anyhow... it was good, made me cry, but... I can't pledge that I am going to continue to watch it because I really wanted it to end with the wedding.

Warning TMI ahead

Today has been an interesting day. I am wiped out and would love to take a nap but the workload really doesn't allow for that. I went to my appt this morning and she explained what she was doing and why/what for etc. I took two ibu before I left the house and I think it helped. It was uncomfortable and my body was not cooperating but it wasn't the horrible intense pain that I was expecting from others accounts. I guess I held my breath through part of it and she wouldn't let me get up right away because of that so I had to lay back for about five minutes or so in case I was going to pass out. No issues though.

Then the rest of the fun began. I ran downstairs to get blood drawn and had a comedian for a lab tech. He thinks I should watch the movie "shooter". He highly recommends it. He didn't like the second Bourne movie and hasn't seen the third yet but really liked the first. He was goofy and acted the way I believe my husband would if he did that for a living.

Next stop was scheduling the ultrasound which I couldn't make the appointment that they wanted for me but I do have it scheduled for Friday in the afternoon. I almost panicked and put work first because the owners are going out of town and leaving that day. The last time they both were going out of town for the weekend I was sitting in the hospital with dh for his eye surgery so I am not batting a thousand here but hopefully they will be running on time and it should only take an hour or so. Maybe less...

She is looking for the reason why my periods are coming two weeks apart. I didn't really think that my midcycle spotting was really a period but she said that what I described was definitely a period flow and not just spotting. I did tell her that I spot all the time with abdominal exercise/work, intercourse, just about anything including bowel movements. Why I have right sided back and pelvic pain and some hormone abnormalities. Oh yea, and she is looking inside the uterus for uh... precancerous and cancerous cells. Joy.

Hopefully by the end of next week we will know it all!

Today...

Today should be interesting to say the least. I have my appt with my Ob/Gyn for the endometrial biopsy. Conveinent that I also need to talk to her about a possible cyst. Blech. Last September I started to repound and gained 18lbs and I stopped gaining once a cyst burst but I haven't been able to lose that weight. Since 9/1/07--- I am up 11 pounds. Now, sometimes with my cycle I can gain 12 so it is within that but it is a number that I haven't seen on the scale in a long time. Eating hasn't been great but I also have eaten 33,000 extra calories over the last 25 days either. But, it is there... and it is real. Dammit!

I haven't been back to see my endo because going to his office is stressful. He is in the same practice as my GP right now and their office personnel are just annoying. I have received the wrong refill of meds at least 3 times and everything is a big drama. If I need bloodwork paperwork it is just the end of the world. It is stressful just thinking about making the appt and having to go so guess what? I haven't gone. I need to switch but work has been so crazy it has been hard to find five minutes in the workday let alone the 15 or more I would need to go through all the new patient questions and such. What about right now you say? Aaa well, it is 5:30am and no dr's office I know is open now.

Breathe... Breathe.

Thank you

Thank you for the kind words about my answers to the questions for the book tour. I know that many of you will never see this most likely. This book got a bit under my skin in both good and bad ways.

I am facing my fears....

I scheduled my endometrial biopsy for next week. Hopefully it will be an easy thing and a quick visit with nothing funky in the results. I have to figure out why on earth my body bleeds the way it does at times if there is an answer. I understand there may not be an answer but hopefully there will be a simple one.

BBBT-- Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

The latest book for the Barren Bitches Book Tour has been Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman. It follows a woman through the adventures of step parenting and infant loss. The relationship between Emilia and William was interesting to see unfold. Emilia's thoughts about William intrigued me. I know that it is hard to learn to love another's child and I thought this particular relationship was difficult because of William's personality. The book was thought provoking and worth a read if you don't mind emotional story lines.

On to the questions, There were many thought provoking questions to choose from which is great but I am limited on time so I only chose three:



Is the way Emilia quantifies loss similar or dissimilar to what we all tend to do? (i.e. her reactions to the miscarriages of a friend and the number of names on a heart of another participant at the walk) Why or why don't we do this?


I think that Emilia is reacting that way that many people do. In my opinion, Emilia's view of others pain was tainted by her belief that she smothered her child.
Everyone of us will most likely believe, in the height of our grief, that our loss is the worst in the world. It is... in our own personal world. Reality is that each loss that a person experiences is at that moment or that period of time, the worst thing that they have gone through. Does it mean that a person who experiences a miscarriage and the loss of the hope of life that goes with it is any less hurt than the woman who has lost her child to preterm birth or the woman that experiences a SIDS death? I don't think so because each of us only has our own rose colored glasses to look through.Yes, we can sympathize and empathize but until it has happened to us, we just don't know the degree of pain.

I do think that some people feel that their pain supersedes others but is it right? I don't think so. Pain is pain, and loss is loss. Yes, there are degrees of loss and some do impact our lives more than others but at one point in every event, we are all experiencing the same loss of hope and level of pain.


Emilia obviously deals with some self-destructive tendencies. Can you relate to her feelings? Have you dealt with self-destructive feelings on your journey to parenthood?

The feeling of failure can be overwhelming at times. Yes, I have acted out in a self destructive manner many times over the last four years. I have a variety of methods... binge eating, drinking in excess, being a awful wife in many ways, and withdrawal from others. The worst days I attempt to soothe myself with all of them. I have found that it doesn't help and makes things worse but it is in and of itself a vicious circle that leads to more self destructive behavior.


Emilia describes in great detail her feelings of guilt regarding Isabel's death. For those of you who have experienced loss, did you feel responsible in some way? How did you handle those feelings?

My situation is unique in that I did not know that I was pregnant when I miscarried. I did not even realize at the time that I was miscarrying. By the time things got sorted out it was long after the fact and the certainty is questionable. The symptoms were there, the timing was right, but I didn't test until after the "weird period with a passing of a large amount of tissue" had occurred. I believe that what I experienced was a miscarriage. More than one doctor has alluded to it but no one has ever come out and said yes... that is what happened. They can't, I get that but others believe that since doctors never said it, it wasn't true. Whatever I experienced, I do feel responsible. I do feel that I am the reason we are childless. On the day that the event occurred, I had overexerted myself for several hours. If I could go back in time, I never would have completed the activity that I did. The money that I received for that day of strenuous work is not worth the pain, hurt, and agony that I have gone through since that time. Yes... I believe that I am responsible for the fact that we don't have a three year old child right now and I don't handle those feelings well. I turn to my self soothing, yet, destructive behaviors and have had many moments of tears, agony, and self defeating thoughts. With time, it gets better but at the same time, this whole journey is tainted by the thoughts that I killed our chance of hope. I keep these feelings to myself... because I am the only one that believes this happened to me. When we are "trying", I am overcautious in the 2WW period of my cycle. I don't want to have to face the feelings of responsibility again if I can help it.

Now head on over to the book tour hub and check out the other blogs participating in this discussion.Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #7 (Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston) and all are welcome to join along

Observations on the road

I have been snapping some photos of items that caught my eye during inspections. I am still trying to figure out my new camera... I think I like Kodak better and will try to stick to that brand but this one works for now.

The first photos are of cicada casings. Several areas around here were saturated with them at the beginning of the summer. We didn't really notice them around here except I did find some of their skins/casings when I was gardening. It is very possible that we (DH or I) transported them from another town. I have noticed in spots where there were a lot of cicadas this year, there are lots of other bugs singing all the time. I'm starting to wonder if they are still around but in smaller quantities.










Does anyone know what type of caterpillar or bug this is?



Edited to add: I don't just think that I liked my kodaks better. I know that I did. I usually buy low end cameras because I drop them all time. This last time I went camera shopping, I couldn't find a Kodak camera for less than $175. Not bad but at the same time, I drop my camera all the time. The last few cameras I have had have been Kodaks and they usually survive quite a few "oops" moments. This last time I somehow got my camera caught in the doorjam of my car and when it fell out it smashed the LCD screen. It still took good pictures but I can't use a camera without a LCD screen due to the nature of my picture taking on most days. I am just disappointed in this camera because the pictures that I use the zoom function on don't seem to come out well at all. I didn't have that problem with any of my previous cameras. Kodak or off brand. Blah!

Just not right....

Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of the largest terrorist act that I have witnessed in my life. Is it the biggest tragedy? I don't know. I know that it would be for all of the people in New York and I feel for each and every one of them. But at the same time, what about New Orleans and the Gulf Coast? Or Indonesia? I am at a loss on how to describe the monumental events that have occurred in the last 6 years. I only pray and hope that similar events do not occur in the future.

Many times since 9/11 and Katrina I have thought about how I would have felt if these events had occurred closer to home. I don't have an answer. I hope I never have an answer. I still remember the emotions invoked on 9/11/01 and the days after. The bright lining was the birth of a very special young boy in our life a few days later. I experienced similar emotions after Katrina. I refuse to relate these emotions to other facets of my life right now because in the grand scheme of things, my problems are of little consequence. All day yesterday, I just felt not right. Things didn't go right and I felt like I was never in the right place. I can't place myself in others shoes but yesterday must have been a hard day for many others.

Busy, Busy

This weekend was a crazy one. We had to get new tires on my car and we need to get new brakes for it too sometime this week, I just didn't want to deal with it on Saturday. While we were waiting for the car we went to breakfast, got our hair cut, and got an oil change for the other car. By the time we were done, I was tired. I hadn't slept well the day before and I needed to reserve energy because we were babysitting overnight for 2 of our favorite kids.

Babysitting went well. Only 1 meltdown and a stubbed toe. Everything else was a blast. Mom and Dad enjoyed the time away and we got to pretend we were parents. Came home and napped for a bit and then had to run and do our regular weekend errands.

Work has been crazy and it still is so not much else

What a weekend...

It went by way to fast this Holiday weekend. We think it is because we worked on some stuff around the house but still didn't accomplish everything that we wanted to. We painted our fence and did some yard work. Today we had a very long bbq that could have been shortened by a few hours. Should have been so that the kid of the house could have taken a nap or at least had some quiet time.

I ate too much and now I am feeling it but I am not going to complain. Tomorrow is a new day and I need to figure out what my plan will be. I am down, depressed a bit, and trying not to console myself with food or drink. I am unsure of what can be accomplished during the rest of the year house wise and medical wise. I am overwhelmed by the number of phone calls that I really need to make. I don't know how to help a family member that really needs help. I am afraid of setting goals because I never meet them. I am worried...

blah...

Can it be Friday again please?

Tongue in Chic

I just finished this book today. It is another mystery. I seem to be gravitating towards those lately. I have never read a book by Christina Dodd before but I am sure that I will pick up another one. It was fun, sexy, and a fairly quick read for me.

Catering to Nobody

I recently finished Catering to Nobody by Diane Mott Davidson. It is a mystery book about a caterer that turns amateur detective to save her business. It is a quick reading book and I already picked up the second in the series at the library. I found the copy of the first one at the paperback exchange at our local library. If you like amusing mysteries it might be worth checking out!

Hola!

I feel like crud. Taking a much needed mental break hasn't been helping. I have been exhausted, gassy, foggy in the head, and my breathing is screwy. At first I thought it was just that I fell asleep on the couch Friday night but it has been hanging around for several days. Ugh..

Needless to say, I haven't strung too many good days together lately. But I did get some reading done!

A symbol is sometimes just as strong as words

In a blog circle that I frequent, there is a symbol that they use to indicate that they were there, thinking of the writer, and that the words have been said or there are none at the moment. It is a very thoughtful gesture and it is better than noting an ip address on a site meter. Besides, when someone is struggling, they most likely are not checking their stats for new addresses.

The symbol that this blog circle uses is called a blog stone. It is simply (o). The creator of symbol was inspired by the tradition of leaving a stone at a grave site to let others know that they were there.

I wonder if there would be a symbol that would be appropriate for Infertility? Something that would say, I am here, I am sending you strength, and the words have been said or are fleeting.

Just a thought.

Renewed Effort

I have been allowing stress and other things to take over. In order to salvage this year or to at least break even, I need to lose at least 3lbs. Doesn't seem like much does it? Yet for some odd reason it has been extremely elusive the past several months. Ideally I would like to lose 17lbs to get back to my most recent low weight of a year ago. Oh my... blech. Anyhow, right now the goal is just to string 14 good days together. It seems doable. 14 days... but what defines good?

Well, right now, good would be a day that includes at least 15 minutes of exercise, doesn't include a hamburger or fried food of any variety, and of which I feel good about at the end of the day. 14 days, doesn't seem to hard... yet, it has seemed impossible this year.


I posted a new ticker in the upper corner.

Why is it...

Why is it that every time we think we just might be successful in this TTC thing for various reasons... that my cycle starts about a week early? I know that I have hormone issues. I know that we need to get further testing. But why is it that we actually make a good effort and all hopes end early?

trying to fit it all in...

I am not succeeding at trying to fit it all in. I need to take a day off this week and have a normal workload that would not be overwhelming if I didnt need that day that I want off to fulfill my deadlines. The day off is important but at the same time... if I don't work, I don't get paid. Blah... I guess I won't be getting much sleep this week.

Google Searches

Are you here looking for the fan site for some show/movie (can't tell from the site) called allthingd.e.b.s. here is the link

For those of you looking for info on the almond tin... it is great. The almonds were good and the tin is cute and handy. I don't know that I would pay the shipping fee on it but it is handy. Here is the link

I know there are a few more and fortunately (or is that unfortunately?) I don't get some of the wacko search strings that many bloggers do.

Have a happy weekend!

Gross yet it just proves...

no neighborhood is safe from people looking for identity theft information. Yesterday, I put out a small bin of recyclables. The only reason I did that was because I was wasting time to see if I could wave to my neighbor that was mowing the grass. Odd, I know, but I am trying to be more friendly to our neighbors to see if that helps. However, sometime between the time that DH came home early from work...due to a headache and nausea (Im thinking heat issues) and 11pm, someone came and stole the contents of the recycle bin. Now, I will admit, that sometimes I recycle credit card offers but I ripped them into several pieces. I won't be doing that again. Today I need to figure out in my limited time, how to place a fraud alert. Tuesday one of our credit cards called and questioned a transaction,which is good because it wasn't ours.

Our neighborhood is a good neighborhood, don't get me wrong, but I would gather that there are several people who's credit is questionable. Yet again, there are lots of people that most likely have wonderful credit... my question is did they pick their victims or did they just randomly take recycleables? Our neighbor kitty corner to us had her bin emptied also... but it was after we discovered ours. DH went out and looked up and down the street. No one else at the time had their bin emptied. I guess we should have called the police.


Updated:You can place a fraud alert online at experian.com/fraud. Supposedly once you alert one of the agencies, the others are notified. Hopefully that is accurate as I tried to place fraud alerts with the other two first using their automated systems but neither of them went thru. Ugh..

Uh... what not to do when doing laundry

Don't use oxyclean in a load with a garment that you may have previously treated with hydrogen peroxide to remove a stain. The fabric... well, it disappears leaving large gaping holes where stains used to be.

Sometimes it is okay to be selfish... right?

Today is the wake of a long time family friend. I am not going. I will be at the funeral tomorrow... I may even attend the prayer service at the funeral home before the processional to the church. But,today, I am not going to the wake.

My mother points out that wakes/visitations/shivas whatever you call them in your family/social group are a part of life. She is absolutely correct. However, must we attend the wake of every individual we know and/or love? Occasionally, I think that not seeing the dead body might be a good thing. Some people need a visual for closure. I don't always need that. I got thru a major death without that visual. It was hard but I wasn't given the choice, the choice was made for me. I had to trust that people were telling the truth and yes, that person was dead. In this case I have the choice, yet, I am making the choice that some people will determine to be socially inexplicable.

I am not going to the wake because I am selfish. I don't want the last image, the one that will always be the first recalled in most situations, to be the image of her in the casket. I don't want to see the impact that cancer took on her. I have been informed of it during her last battle... I don't want the visual to go with the images that are already in my imagination. Selfish, yes, it is. I want to remember the lively, funny, caring, strong, beautiful woman the way that she was... alive. I already have regrets that any children I may be blessed with won't know her.

In this circumstance, I have decided, that I am okay with being selfish. I made sure that my mother didn't feel that she needed me to be there. I will see many people tomorrow that are no longer a daily fixture in my life... not many are regulars in my life anymore and that is something that I need to work on. But... today, I am only thinking about myself. This decision has been heartwrenching and that still is okay because I don't want to ever be easily selfish.

"The Birth House" by Ami McKay

I finished this book. Once I got into the book it was hard to put it down. It is historical fiction that takes place in a small town in Nova Scotia. The main character is a midwife.

Dora Rare definately lives up to her last name. She is a rare character that makes you believe that you are right in her life. Definately worth a read if you enjoy historical fiction or reading about women.

Maybe I did do something right in College....

You scored as Psychology/Sociology, You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Psychology, Sociology, or related majors (e.g., Counseling, Industrial-Organizational (I-O) Psychology, Social Work, or other social science majors). It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Psychology and Sociology are both great minors to add to any major. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal. Psychology/Sociology 75% History/Anthropology/LiberalArts 69% Education/Counseling 69% English/Journalism/Comm 63% Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health 63% Religion/Theology 63% Visual&PerformingArts 56% Biology/Chemistry/Geology 56% HR/BusinessManagement 56% Mathematics/Statistics 50% PoliticalScience/Philosophy 50% French/Spanish/OtherLanguage 44% Physics/Engineering/Computer 38% Accounting/Finance/Marketing 38% WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU? created with QuizFarm.com

Blog Fodder

At a loss for words? Not sure what to blog about today? Have you checked out
Blog Fodder? There is a topic for every week of the year so far. Maybe something will spark a post in you.

Amazing Differences

Sometimes it really amazes me how different the experiences that my husband and I have had. I grew up in the Chicago Suburbs and he grew up in the 2nd biggest metro area within the same state. It isn't the big things that amaze me like the big differences between the families. It is the little things that strike me as most odd.

He didn't know who the Fantastic Four were. He has never read or watched Little House on the Prairie. He has never been the to the Sears tower--okay, this is one of the things I take for granted that everyone has experienced.

There are so many others and each one just serves as a reminder that everyone is different. Even if you think that they should feel, be, act, do, think, speak, the same.

Fat Fighters

While I am not a fat fighter blogger, I do enjoy checking out new blogs in the directory. I have come across a few that I subscribe to via bloglines now. Mostly women bloggers with PCOS. While I find it helpful to read about others weight loss successes and struggles, it is very difficult for me to post about my own lately.

I have posted when I am struggling, which, to be perfectly honest has been this whole year. I don't like to focus on successes because they so easily disappear as was the case in September of last year. Mostly, I just lurk and try to comment when it seems appropriate. When someone is struggling, it takes a lot of courage to tell the world. But at the same time, when someone succeeds, they usually don't want to jinx it.

Some of the support systems that I use are message boards. But like most things, you only get out of it what you put in. When I am struggling I pull away for posting. I don't ever stop reading...well I shouldn't say that. I do stop reading when I am so far down in the hole that nothing is going to pull me back up. Normally, I am able to keep myself toddling along well enough that I don't get to that point.

As I posted last week, I am struggling, and I still can't get it together. I do great for part of the day and then lose it. Or I start out cruddy, get better, and then lose it again. I just can't figure out what was different about last summer. I know it wasn't exercise. I know that I was taking a different med but I wasn't always taking it. I know that I was counting carbs... and I think I am just going to have to succumb to doing this again. It is such a pain but... I need to get back to that place where I would do whatever it takes. Is there a map someone can send me?

PB2

Powdered Peanut Butter... I need to get me some of this! But it is a bit pricey. The manufacturer sells it for about $4.00 a jar. That is pretty close, if not more than double what I normally pay for natural peanut butter. On Ebay the lowest price is $6.00 a jar before shipping costs. YIKES! The manufacturer charges almost $10.00 for the 4 jars to be shipped... well at least to me.

Has anyone tried it yet? Is it worth it?

Freecycle

Freecycle... do you use it? Lately we have been giving away things on freecycle whenever it is something that we want gone or don't think we can donate. We were working on the house and cleaning out the garage this weekend. I posted several items on our local Freecycle group but haven't gotten any responses from there so I moved on to neighboring communities. So far three things have been picked up with another three things to be picked up tomorrow. I wish that someone would come and get all of it... but no such luck this time.

Personally, I have never picked up anything on Freecycle. There is one item that is listed right now but I don't know that I want to go thru the hassle of picking it up. How bad is that...LOL.

If you don't freecycle...maybe you should. You can freecycle things that you might put in the garabage instead of donating. You can freecycle almost anything in most groups including pets. Check it out there are groups all over the world!

"The Kid" by Dan Savage---BBBT

The latest leg of the Barren Bitches Book Tour has been The Kid by Dan Savage. It is a non fiction account of two gay men who are involved in an open adoption. It takes a look at why they decided to adopt, other methods for becoming parents, and the adoption process from start to finish. I have never read Dan Savage's sex advice column before but his style of writing is appealing to me. I will probably seek out the other books that he has written about his family and look for his advice column. The book, at times, invoked strong emotion from me. I wish that instead of reading aloud Not Buying It during our vacation that I had chosen this one instead as I would really love to see DH's response to this book. I know that the Rutherford B Finger chapter would turn him off, however, I don't think that he is alone in that. I had a hard time relating that chapter to the rest of the book. Overall, it was a good book and I will recommend it in the future.

If you were participating in an open adoption, what are the top three questions you would ask the birth mother?

Hmm... I think I would ask pretty basic questions:

1. Why are you putting the child up for adoption?

2. How much contact do you want?

3. Any special talents and/or conditions in either family to watch for?

Savage refers to children in foster care as "damaged goods." How did you react to this? Did you find it offensive or an honest way of expressing why people choose to adopt a newborn rather than a waiting child?

This reference did disturb me when I first read it. After completing the book, I understand his need for using that term. One only has to search on Adopt US Kids briefly to learn that there are very few children that don't have at least minor special needs in any category. My husband and I have been struggling with this decision. In some ways, we feel, that this is an opportunity to take the less traveled road and do some good but on the other hand, it might be easier just to not have to face a difficult situation. Savage's comments about not wanting to "start parenting at a disadvantage" and later on about wanting to start with an even playing field even if there was no guarantee really hit home. I think that many people realize that even with adopting an infant, there is still a chance that something is wrong or may end up wrong later on. However, only with an older child are you 90% certain that some issue will have to be addressed from the beginning. Reality is that everyone has issues and most of them stem from something in childhood. No matter how hard a parent tries, their child will not always be the perfect image of their dreams. However, it does take a special kind of strength to step out of the expected and face the difficult reality.

I think that his comments are an honest portrayal of the children in state care and what many people think about dealing with the issues that these children have.

On p. 164, Dan is terrified of bringing baby items into the house before the adoption is finalized. Will you (or did you) bring items into the house before a birth or an adoption?

Actually, I have changed my opinion on this. Before, I was pro shower, pro preparation. These days... honestly, I think the only thing we will do if we are ever blessed with a child is to clean and paint the room that they would be using and buy a car seat if the child is an infant/toddler. Obviously, we may need to change that theory when it gets closer but I don't want a nursery/child's room all done up and then suffer a loss of any kind. Even if we somehow manage to get pregnant, I don't really want a shower until after the fact. I had changed my opinion before reading the book but I understood where Dan was coming from with that point.

What do you think DJ will think when he reads this book down the line?

I think that if DJ reads the book when he is older it will solidify his understanding of his parents. If he reads it when he is old enough to be considering children, I think that he will understand that his own fears are common. The book doesn't, in my humble opinion, portray anything negative about the process or his fathers feelings about him. There is the part about not feeling bonded right away but if you think of it in a typical Mother/Father situation, I think that a lot of fathers feel the same way at first. But, I don't feel that it should be a contention point if he reads it since I am sure that by now there is a definite bond believe the two.



Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Love, and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman (with author participation!).

Struggling...

I am really struggling with my weight loss goals. I can't seem to see beyond the moment right now and am making bad choices. It is not a good thing. It is not a horrible thing but definitely not good. I am not binging. That is a plus. I am just choosing foods that I shouldn't. I am not exercising the way that I should though I am getting more in than I have in most "off the road" phases previously.

I am holding on by a thread to not binge. I don't want to sit here and drown my sorrows in food. I don't want to bury my anger in ice cream. This is so different than it has been in the past. But I am still struggling. I still am stopping for fast food when I could go home and eat veggies and fruit. I am choosing foods that are not good for my insulin level when I know that I shouldn't be. I am not taking my meds the way that I should be.

All of these things are adding up to no success. As of this morning, I am sitting at 4.5lbs over my January 1st weigh in. That is 18lbs over my lowest weight from last September. I can't blame all of it on hormones... but the desire is there. I need to find my MOJO again and I don't know where it is... I don't know where to look.

Part of the problem is that I am so afraid of having to find a bathroom when I am out on appointments so I don't always eat when I should. This makes it harder to stay on plan. I did find a breakfast that fills me up for awhile... so maybe I will stick with that and see how it goes. Sounds crazy to let bathroom locations dictate your eating habits but I don't know what else to do. I was doing okay when I was taking my pills on a regular basis but then I would eat too many carbs and things would not be good.

Updated: I did take my pills as required today, however, I ate way too much garlic bread at dinner and had a carb fest in the afternoon. One of these days it will all flow the way it should.

Knocked Up

The movie, not me, was funny. It was typical material for this group of people... well maybe not Katherine Heigl but for the rest of them. We went to see it because so many people from Freaks and Geeks were involved. I guess I didn't realize that the same group had been involved in The 40 Year Old Virgin also.

The premise of the movie that a professional has a one night stand with a stoner type guy without a job. She gets "knocked up" and then it goes through how they get to know each other through the pregnancy and the birth.

It was a funny movie, I would definately see it again.

Although, it is kind of ironic that my period showed up right after but hey... such is my luck of the draw.

still working

Yesterday we got a bunch of stuff done. I am not counting any of it as exercise though for my tally. Only because I am in a contest with family and gardening doesn't count for that one. The plan for the week is to be very good eating wise.

We went through the big freezer yesterday after finally being able to get to it for the first time since april. We have to throw out a bunch of stuff which stinks. Some of it was the cookie doughs we bought for various fund raisers. Guess I am doing better on not baking than I thought :) We had to throw out a whole bag of chicken breasts which stink because we would have eaten those had we moved them to the small freezer during the remodeling or after. They go bad next week but are full of ice crystals so I am not going to bother. I also forgot that I had bought Sugar Free cool whip and well, into the trash it goes without trying it since it is long out of date. I wonder if I should keep a list on the fridge of what is in the big freezer? It might help to make sure that things get used up accordingly.

Anyhow, there are lots of frozen veggies in both freezers. We have mahi mahi fillets and tilipia fillets. Looks like we will be eating a lot of fish in the next few weeks. At least, I can cook it on the foreman!

Gotta get back to work!

Working Weekend

This weekend we decided that we were spending it all on working around the house. We have a huge list and it almost seems like it will never get done. I have been working on prepping the outside of the house to spray for bugs for hours it seems. Prep the outside you ask? Well, I am not going to spray for bugs and then have to clean off the spider webs after the fact. We decided not to wash the siding until the fall since we will probably get more bug guts and yuck on it before then.

DH mowed the lawn and did pull a lot of weeds but there are still a ton left in the back yard and he didn't pull the front yard yet. Don't get me started on that because it was weed free 2 weeks ago and now it is a mess again. I wish I knew what to use so that they didn't come back.

As we go along on this working weekend, our already page long list is getting longer. I have a list of 5 or 6 phone calls to make about work that needs to be done. Most of it, the kind that we don't have the money for but need to get estimates so that we can figure it out. I really just want to move. Moving would be so much easier than dealing with all of the items that need to be done on the house. If it didn't feel like we had already done so much to the house then I might feel differently but I don't think that we realized quite how much work needed to be done when we bought this house. Keeping up with the regular cleaning is hard enough, let alone all the things that need to be done to make it beautiful. However, we do have a goal but I don't know that we will ever reach it.

The goal:

To have everything done so that the house is only 2 weeks out from being listable What does that mean? I am not quite sure but I know that the big projects need to be done. The siding is the one that is boggling my mind right now. The dye is running off of it. If you rub up against the house you get a big green mark on you. Not good. It is ruining the window casings that we just replaced but hopefully they can be cleaned off.

Anyhow!
Gotta run and get back to work!

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

Whole lotta stuff going on. Not going to whine. Just busy and trying to stay on top of things instead of feeling overwhelmed.

Thank you for not smoking... not the great movie that everyone said it was in my opinion anyways. Guess dh agrees on this one.

Anyhow... surviving and trying to stay positive instead of whining.

Hope everyone has a productive weekend.

Holidays and special get togethers

These days holidays and special get togethers always seem to turn into a battle. It has been going on for awhile. At first we just avoided all that we could. Isolation... it is good. Well that was the theory. Now, I am not so sure. The one thing that holidays, special events, and oh, just about any gathering of a large group of people tend to do is highlight our inadequacy. Well, at least mine. I have to believe that it effects DH too and not just now that he is in his 30's (hehe :) )

The reason that I believe that it effects him is that the fight of the year always occurs on these occasions. After the fight of the year occurs then, of course, we must discuss how we can't be parents since we have such negative reactions to silly things. How could we deal with the antics of a child if (fill in stupid reason here) effects us to the point of being so angry that we have the fight of the year? Then the revelation of "well, if we really wanted to be parents we would be doing more about it right now", nevermind that the money we had saved for the next step in whatever direction had to go to remodeling the kitchen and we now have an empty bank account for the next step. Then, of course, comes the discussion of how we must just not have the same goals anymore since it seems we really don't feel the same way about this struggle. Obviously, we aren't on the same path since it doesn't appear that we are equally effected by (fill in anything related to TTCing and children in general). After all that and much tears... well, then we still end up not doing XYZ or at least not together.

All of this, really makes it hard to appreciate the holidays and the special occassions in our lives. However, this 4th one thing did get decided. I just don't have it in me to rise above my desires and wants for a family. I don't have the strength that it takes to grieve that loss for the rest of my life. While I know that there are many benefits to living child free, such as there would be much more money to be directed into things that we want. To be perfectly honest, I don't care about that. I want to be called mommy. I want to be the family on the train to the Cubs game. I want to have to figure out how to deal with life when I have puke in my hair. I don't know why... it just is, and it can't be denied. I wish that it could. I have tried. Some might say not long enough but I think that 4 years of trying to figure it out is long enough. Now... where do we go from here?

Living Child Free

Living child free takes strength.
Living child free shows bravery.
Living child free displays confidence.




Living child free is not for me.

Milestones

Milestones are such an ominous thing at times. We make them out to be. Saying things like "I don't want to get old" and " At 40 your life is more than half over" just makes things worse. People know that they are getting old but you really are only as old as you allow yourself to be.

Three people in my immediate family have milestone birthdays this year. 75, 60, and 30. Yesterday was a surprise birthday party for my stepdad. He thought that his party was a few weeks ago, if there was going to be one at all. He was suprised and it was a nice party. My husband turns 30 on Friday... yes, I am the older one... but oh well. We are not having a surprise party as the funds are not available. I had big intentions that may just have to wait until he is 40, however, I hope that the funds won't be available then either but for other reasons. I am stuck on how to make his birthday special this year. I am working on a party when his sister is in town. We will see if that goes over well.

I have another party to plan by the end of the summer... My mom turns 60. I need to consult with my stepdad to see if he even wants to throw a party. I don't know what to do about it, however, we may have it at my cousin's house. Though, that might be a bit tricky as his wife may not be feeling all that great by then. They have been trying for almost a year for another child and she is having difficulties with her cycles. I feel bad for her because I understand it, yet at the same time I feel a bit vindicated because she thought for sure she would be pregnant in 3 months again. I know that it mean... I know that it is wrong... yet, she was really certain-almost cocky about it so, while I like her, I am not all that sad for her. Mean... I know...I am not a really mean person but something about babies and pregnancies tends to bring it out.

Anyhow... It is a summer of milestones. At the end of the summer, we will reach 4 years of TTCing without any luck. However, we had some breaks in there so maybe it doesn't count.


Milestones... any big ones coming up for you?

Vacation and All That...

DH had his eye surgery last week. Everything went fine, he woke up quickly, and has been doing pretty well. Not too much pain but it certainly hasn't been the most comfortable thing for him. He has appeared to gain some depth perception so that is wonderful news. We will see if there are any more improvements the first week in August. Right now, he is eye is still red and he says that the sutures are still there but they should be dissolving away by the end of this week hopefully.

He spent a few days at home and I worked Monday, then had a seminar on Tuesday. Wednesday was the followup appointment and then the trip up north. It took us 7 hours to get up to our destination- a small lake on the Northwestern side of Wisconsin, near Taylor Falls, MN. I had to stop every hour or so because my AF was physco this month. I am blaming it on YAZ, which I stopped taking 2 days after it started. I ended up with a 9 day cycle this month and more than normal heavy days. Blah. I stopped taking the YAZ because I had an almost constant headache, swollen ankles, horrible fatigue,heart palpatations, and I was hot all the time even when I shouldn't have been. All which are high blood pressure symptoms for me. I didn't actually get it checked but the constant headache was enough for me to say no thanks. Plus I am allergic to one of the ingrediants I believe is in it. For the life of me, I couldn't find a list of inactive ingrediants in the package or online. Everytime I tried to call the manufacturer--- they were closed. Since I was getting a rash and now don't seem to be, I'm guessing it was the pills.

Upnorth we did our usual Thursday things. We missed Wednesday but that is okay because most likely I wouldn't have ordered pie anyhow. Friday was a bit screwy but it was okay. Saturday we left to come back here. We stopped at a truck stop type place for breakfast. There was a beautifully painted saw blade on the wall. I wish we could find the artist or someplace that sells her work because I would like to see other items that she paints on. We ran into an antique mall and I found quite a few things to decorate the kitchen with but since I am limited in the amount of money that I can spend at any one time on it, I walked out with only one item. So far I have spent a total of 7.20 on 4 items. I bought a corkscrew that has "2000" on top of it. I bought two things at Goodwill for 10 cents each but I am not exactly sure what they are, however, I believe that they are strainers. The other thing I bought was a "primitive utensil". It looks to be a mini roller and is definately something that I have never seen before. I am trying to find strange or not normally used kitchen utensils to hang on the soffit.

We got home late Saturday and then Sunday we were blessed with a gift of tickets to the Crosstown Classic. After an hour plus on the train and lots of walking, we watched our beloved Cubs win 3 to 0 from the nose bleed seats. I hate US cellular field's upper deck seats. The pitch of the seats is way too steep. We saw lots of people having problems and I still can't figure out how I did that a few years back with a cast on my leg!

Anyhow, since Monday it has been back to work and other weird things.

Nothing all that exciting but it was still too short. May I have a few more days off please?

Mean People Suck

I had every intention of coming here today and posting a positive post, however, mean people suck. Someone stole our birdfeeder out of our front yard today. We have an inkling but I really, really hope that it is wrong. I hope that there is a good explanation for it but unfortunately there probably isn't. If you don't like your neighbor feeding the birds then ask them nicely to move it to the backyard or explain why you wish they wouldn't do it at all...but don't steal their property. And while I am at it, why can't people close the gate when they open it? Good thing we don't have a dog yet.

BLAH!

Decisions

My husband and I have the longest decision making process in America it seems. It has often times frustrated those around us because it seems that we are procrastinating on major projects. The kitchen project was very frustrating for us because we didn't have time to make decisions the way that we would typically. Especially with a project that larger and costly.

Why is our time so long? Well... I am pretty impulsive and my husband is very methodical and needs to look at every angle before making the final decision. Most of the time, it works out that we meet in the middle and come up with a decision within a reasonable amount of time. Most of the time...

Decisions with large consequences usually take a long time to make. I am wondering if the kitchen project actually had an effect on our process. It seems that it may have in some ways. My dh decided to have a surgery on his eyes fairly quickly. Normally the good, bad, pros, cons, effects, etc would have taken weeks maybe months to sort out. It didn't and his surgery has been scheduled for a few weeks. It is this coming Friday... I am a bit nervous but it is an easy surgery and he is healthy so it should be okay. It will be the first time that he has ever been under full anesthesia. There are some risks just like for everyone but it will be okay. Worrying is not an calorie burning activity so there is no reason to do it.

Now, if only we could make the final landscaping decisions for the front it would be wonderful!

and so it goes....

Things around here are calming down for a bit. Work isn't quite as crazy, the kitchen functions as a kitchen again complete with food in the cabinets, my meds (knock on wood) seem to be agreeing with me, and the weather has been cool although a bit humid at times.

This calm before the storm won't last I'm sure... I only say that because today we went to get my DH's preop testing done. Next week he has his physical, we have to babysit, and his surgery is Friday. The following week he goes for a followup and we leave from there to go to the Lake to get away for our annual fishing trip with my inlaws. We won't be there as long as we would like and chances are it will be less active than normal due to DH's recovery but it should be good. Then we start the birthday party season for a bit... but hopefully they will all go smoothly.

Other than that... it is keep on trucking. I would like the house to be pretty clean before DH's surgery since we are leaving anyways a few days later. Plus we have some yard work to get done so no relaxing in store for this weekend :)

Anyhow... now, if I could just make myself go to the gym.............

Barren Bitches Book Tour

Over the past few weeks I have been reading this book for an infertility book tour. It is a non fiction book that reads like a novel. The individuals were exhibiting real emotions. I found it very interesting that the character who spoke most to my own personal feelings about this journey was the husband. There were several moments where I felt like I was reading my own thoughts.
I read aloud several passages to my husband. It was nice to find something in print that echoed my own fears and feelings.


Formal Book Tour Questions

When I read how if one had asked the author 10 years earlier, she would have said that she didn't even want children, I felt better. I guess deep down I always knew that I wanted children, but having had a severely mentally and physically handicapped sister, I was scared. It was comforting to read about another woman's ambivalence and feelings of guilt. When I found out that I was losing ovarian function I could not believe that there was a strong possibility that I would never have a biological child. That spurred in me a determination I had not had in many years. Have you ever felt ambivalence towards parenthood prior to receiving your diagnosis?

I have dealt with an ambivalent feeling since we received the news that we might be dealing with Male factor along with my PCOS and insulin resistant issues. The ambivalence has lead me to question every reason that we want to be parents and every route that we might have to take to parenthood. It seems that the fact that it is going to be "hard" has driven the questions to the front and I have had to face them. There are days that I struggle with our decision at this point to put everything on hold due to financial issues. There are days when I say, ah well, better that we aren't parents. There are days that I sit in the dark and weep until there are no more tears that I can't have what I want most in the world (at that moment). I really feel that for most people the decision to be a parent falls more into the gray category than black and white. However, I know several people that knew right away that they didn't want children and took measures to make sure that it wouldn't happen. I wish for that clarity everyday.

Orenstein's friend, Larry, says on p. 47, "you can only feel the loss of something you've had." Orenstein gives her thoughts on the matter on page 50. Do you agree with Larry or Peggy?

I agree with Peggy. I do believe that you can feel the loss of something that you have never had. I had a "presumed" miscarriage while a family member was pregnant. There are times, birthdays, funny moments when I definitely feel the loss of that potential child. It was never confirmed but there is nothing else that it could have been and it still leaves a hole in my heart at time. There is definitely a feeling of loss tied to the events that will never be.



"I felt like the luckiest unlucky woman in the world" (p. 57). This quote really struck me. Do we naturally grasp for the silver lining in things? Do we always have to convince ourselves that something makes us lucky in order to keep going through the difficulties of life?

Do "we"? I honestly think that it is a person by person and situation by situation basis. Personally, especially lately, I am much more pessimistic than I would care to admit. I don't see the good in something, I only see the bad. When did this change? I am not sure. It might have been after I faced the reality of my "presumed" miscarriage. It might have been after the semen analysis results. Or, it might have been after my father died. But there definitely is a difference of how I respond to things is life and I don't like it. I have noticed the difference over the four years... of course this corresponds to our unsuccessful four years of trying to conceive.



Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. This book club is open to everyone in the infertlity community so you can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.