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Battles

There have been a lot of battles around here. Emotional, physical, mental, verbal, etc. Some have been won, others, well... not so much.

I had a meltdown on Sunday because I was supposed to start YAZ. The birth control pill. Part of the cause of the meltdown is the impact that it could have on my health. Blood clots, stoke, high blood pressure, etc. I had to stop taking birth control in the past because my BP got too high. The other cause of the meltdown was that it seems pretty ridicoulous to be taking birth control pills when you can't get preganant. My body doesn't work so why do I need to stop it from doing something it can't. Why are you taking them you ask? Because supposedly when the hormones are regulated by the birth control, the other parts of the body may function better. If the BCP can regulate my reproductive hormones, then theoretically, it should help my insulin level come down. Probably would work much better if I was eating low carb and taking my other meds but... I will get there.

I hate when I have meltdowns about something that comes naturally to so many other people. I hate feeling like I am a failure because I can't get pregnant. I hate feeling that the whole world is wondering if I actually am a woman since I don't work right. I hate feeling like I am not a good wife because I can't reproduce. Yes, I hate when my mind works in such a way that it seems to the most logical thing to do is to dissolve our marriage so that my DH can have the family that he wants with someone who can reproduce.

I think that this battle has been overcome, at least for now. I have started the YAZ and have taken it 3 days now. Nothing to fret over yet and I hope it stays that way.

Ahhh...

Wow, it has been a weird week. At first, I was just trying to bail myself out of the work I was behind on from last week and then it just calmed down a bit too much. But, much to my chagrin, it has picked up again. I can't really complain. If I don't work, I don't make money. Next weekend though, I am taking the full 3 day weekend and planning on not writing up anything during it either. We have one party on Saturday but then I think we are sequestering ourselves to our property to get some work done! I originally wanted the deck redone and the fence painted by Memorial Day but right now I would just be happy with some flowers planted and the kitchen put together.

On the kitchen note... Latest pic




It actually looks different than that today but I am too lazy to run down and take another photo.

Anyhow, in other news, I start YAZ Sunday! Not sure if I should be excited or not. I haven't started my other meds because I, well uh, I , Uh,... I don't want to deal with the side effects. I am starting to wonder if something else is going on with my own stomach and that it instigates a, uh..., ugly response when the Metformin is added to the mix. So anyhow... I will start this med. I am attempting to wean off caffine so that if my bp is sensitive to this med that I won't have that working against me too--since I know that caffine raises my blood pressure.


Have a productive weekend!

Today......

Today has been a day that has been a gamut of emotions. I volunteered this morning at the Epilepsy Walk. Fear and anticipation abounded but I was quickly put at ease.

While volunteering, I saw a variety of adults and children, who suffer from seizures. I was most astonished at the number of "tween" kids with seizure disorders that are not at a "normal" functioning level. Today, I found myself amazed and thankful that my husband made it through his grand mal years as mentally intact as he had. Believe me, he is not "normal" but ummm.... you can't tell that just by speaking with him once (well, most days) :) (ILMNWCBU) I found myself moved to tears from the sheer outpouring of support for the people that suffer from this condition and the various forms of seizures. There were several teenagers there walking for their friends. There was a large group of family and friends there in support of a small boy. There was a family who came in from another state to walk with their family member who has seizures and is mentally impaired from them. Many times today, I thought about my fear that any day a seizure can claim my husband's brain. Today, I realized just how... possible-reasonable-real-insert any synonym here... that fear is.

I came home, just happy that even though we have an imperfect life, we still have a life together. Annoying as that is at times, it is what it is. I sang today... lots. I was "giddy" in dh's words. I did something that I felt good about and I realized that no matter how cruddy life seems right now, no matter how much I know that it could be so much worse, it doesn't matter. Even the fact that the contractor didn't show up yesterday or today to finish stuff up didn't bother me.

So we ran the usual grocery shopping errand but buying very few groceries. We came back home, got ready for our dinner out, and ran out of the house. Dinner with my parents for Mother's Day was nice and uneventful. The service was a bit slow but nothing horrific. Food was wonderful and worth the wait. We talked about heading out to a store to get some other stuff but DH just wanted to get home. When we walked in the door...uhh... we got a big surprise. Apparently, our new neighbor's cat was locked in our house. Not just the garage-the house. With our cat, who has only ever seen another cat on the other side of the window. We were blessed with cat puke and poop throughout the house. Hopefully the black light was accurate and there is no urine. However, remember, we have boxes everywhere. I freaked out. Not yelling, just very very concerned for both cats. When we got home, they were both in the same room but we don't know what happened. Both cats appear to be fine. The other cat is probably more freaked out than N. but I think I am the most freaked out of all. Now the house just smells of DH's stomach issue gas and Woolite pet stain.

As I sat here at my computer tonight, reading emails, I came across a message that included this link . It was very poignant and I know why the person sent it to everyone in our family. My step dad is in the early to mid stage of dementia. He doesn't remember things all the time. Several of the items in the slides reminded me of my grandma.

Now, as I blog this, I realize that I haven't felt this sporadic since the last time I was in the 2WW and had a very real perceived chance of being pregnant. No... today, it was just all about the events. Most likely, that was the case previously but you can't always be objective when you are chasing a dream.

Boldly go WHERE?

To the Loo of course

My trekkie husband, who has never even been to a Star Trek convention, but watches Voyager every night now that he can DVR it... just asked if we could do that to the office. Ummm............ Honey, I thought you wanted a Baseball theme, I don't think I can mesh CUBS and Star Trek all that well.

I really believe that flat would be an amazing sight.

PSA

Just a moment for a little grass roots PSA. I am volunteering this weekend for the walk that I did last year. It is for the local chapter of the Epilepsy Foundation. Last year, DH and I walked and raised about 350 dollars between us. My sister bested us by double! This year, none of us are walking for various reasons. I did decide to quell the stranger fear inside me and register to volunteer at the event. I got my assignment today and will be manning the banner where the local walkers sign to show they were there! I hope that it is a gorgeous day and that a bunch of money is raised.

This cause is near and dear to me because DH has a seizure disorder that he currently takes 6 pills a day to control. We are hopeful that with his doctor's help, he will start weaning from the meds sometime in the next year. However, it may not happen as he still has seizure activity. Not Grand Mals...but petite mals and if you didn't know it, you wouldn't guess it from talking to him. I know when his brain is misfiring-it is my job to do so. No one else would probably ever know. I hope and pray that I never face the day that his brain misfires in the wrong area and he doesn't talk again. It is a very real fear and a cure would make that go away. At the same time, I am very thankful that his disorder is controlled so well by the meds. He can drive, work, go shopping, do yardwork, and enjoy a bit of alcohol without the fear that any action may trigger a seizure. There are many people that aren't that lucky.

If you are so inclined.... add them to your charity list.

PSA over.

Major Excitement...

I can see an end! I really can! The dishwasher... it has arrived at the store. Several days-no make that weeks ahead of schedule. The installer should be calling within 48 hours. The microhood... DH picks that up tomorrow on his way home from work. With the exception of something to store my spices in and some new decorations--- everything may be here by SATURDAY! Oh my word! I am sooo excited. I really need to paint!!!

Big Day!!!

Well for us anyways! The countertops and sink are being delivered today. Anytime now they will show up in a big truck and be onsite! Yay!!!
I think that my dh bought a faucet last night but I am not certain. He had a bit of a meltdown trying to make a decision about it. Honestly, this has been really hard for him. He is a technical minded person and making decisions without much info is a task that does not come easy to him. He said something about buying a faucet that was 50.00 more than the one that we picked out the other day so I honestly don't know what he bought. I don't want to see it. I really wanted the satin finish faucet, however, we are adding a water filter since we used the faucet mount kind religiously. Since we have a new sink, we want the pull out sprayer type faucet instead. Hence, we need a different solution for water filtration. Going without is not an option in our well water town. I decided that a chrome finish faucet was perfectly fine since the water systems we were looking at came with a chrome faucet but to get a satin finish one was an additional fifty dollars. Not what I wanted to spend right now. Oh well... I will deal with it. I just hope he didn't buy one that comes with the soap dispenser because we don't have enough cutouts for that. There are four on the sink and the only free one will be the filter.

Anyhow... I resolve to quit whining about this once I see that it will be functional again. I still haven't painted the long wall. Kind of dumb huh? But, I ran out of time between work, other kitchen prep, and family things. It is almost over, It is almost over! Again, I so wish this had been planned so that things could be organized!

Chaos... does not do a body good.

Have a happy day!

On the upside?

Well,this morning I went and got my cavities filled. Yea me! While at the dentist's office I was watching Oprah. Criss Angel the illusionist was on and he broke Houdini's record of escaping a straight jacket while suspended in air. I think his show would be really interesting to see live. Apparently, he is starting a regular tv show called "Mindfreak" also sometime in the near future. I have seen David Copperfield live and while it was cool--I remember being disappointed that it had cost a ton of money for tickets and it wasn't all that I expected. We were trying to remember who the one is that walks through the plate glass window... it may even be Criss Angel.

Anyways...since my mouth is numb I need to eat easy foods today. So far, I am on a carb fest. I had a slurpee and some easy mac so far. Before the dentist, I had a banana. Hmm... seems I'm going to be releasing more insulin today than I have in awhile. Stupid PCOS. Maybe I will get a fruit and yogurt shake later from Steak and Shake. That would at least increase the protein intake right?

Reality Check

Tornados suck... literally.

I can't fathom waking up and realizing that the town you grew up in is gone. Wow.

Spring/Summer storm season is here. Brush up on where you would go in an emergency. We don't have a basement so we huddle in our first floor bathroom whenever the sirens go off. Believe or not, they do go off in northern illinois quite often at times. Luckily, we live north of the local tornado alley.

Be safe!

Cruising

Cruising
is a seductive read about four friends who decide to vacation together. It seemed to start slow but in the end the buildup before the actual vacation was important to understand the characters.

I have read Crazy Love by this author also and found it a fun read. I would like to find her earlier book to see how she has developed as an author.

If you are looking for a bit of sexy fun, you would enjoy these books.

Crazy Day

Today== Crazy day

I started off going in for the annual exam with my gyn and I almost ended up at the wrong office. So I barely made it in time for my appt. I like my gyn. Went thru the exam. Talked about our TTC situation and adoption situation. Didn't even feel the pap part (yea!) and it was over. I did ask her about a bcp to help with the PCOS symptoms and to maybe help get my insulin under control. She offered me some samples of Yaz but I have to get my bp checked in a month to make sure that it is not causing problems. This was the dr that told me before I gave up to soon after only trying one pill but now she sees a problem? Anyhow, small price to pay if it may help in the long run. I don't have to go for another ultrasound unless I want one. Unless, I start getting pain again, I am not going to waste the time. I have the hormone symptoms of PCOS and the insulin resistance without the usual string of pearls cysts on the ovaries. I get occasional larger ones but by the time that they do an ultrasound, they actually bust during the test and they don't see them anyways.

Dh had his eye consultation today. Only way to correct the problem is with surgery and there is not a laser option. It may help with some symptoms but there are no guarantees. The only thing that he can sort of guarantee is that cosmetically it may help. I would love him not to have to stand on an angle to look straight at something. I wish that we would have pushed the issue 5 years ago but alas the dr said it wasn't too bad then. blah... not the best place in your body to have loose muscles :(

We need to do some more research on the dishwashers. We found a fairly good deal on a mid level Bosch at Lowe's. We also found a good deal on a LG at home depot. The LG one though needs to actually be plugged in because it is fully encased unlike most dishwashers. Trying to decide what we want has been painful but the LG offers a half load setting that will do either the top or the bottom rack whereas the Bosch only offers the top rack.

Microhoods, faucets, and lighting options were also on the shopping list today. We came up with a ton of questions but unfortunately no answers! See... we usually take our sweet time trying to plan projects not even half this size--so this is all new to us and sometimes we just can't take a step forward that fast. Hopefully we will have the dishwasher situation sorted out...however, I just realized that we forgot to go to the store that we bought our tv and check out if they had any of the Siemens deals left. whoops. guess that is for tomorrow.

Anyhow... I am off to bed. Still not very caught up with work but I need sleep. Have to go into the city tomorrow but shouldn't be too bad. However, I have 4 appts to set up so that will be fun! Not complaining at all right now... when I work, I make money which we seem to be bleeding at the moment.

May 1st!

I was really hoping that a new month would make things look a bit brighter around here but no such luck. I am trying not to whine about it. We have a family get together on Sunday for a 1st Communion and I really wanted to go. However, I just don't feel up to dealing with my step family. I haven't RSVP'd yet and I really should...I just don't know what to do. We were talking about it last night and had decided to go, however, things are blowing up again this morning and I don't have the energy to feign enjoyment there. My niece is a good kid. It isn't her fault. However, during the course of the day, if we say more than 10 words to her that would be a miracle with all the people around. Besides that, she really wanted to spend the day with a friend of hers in her communion group, so they are having a combined party. More strangers to deal with and more crap to explain. My parents won't be there. My sister and brother are not flying in from Florida. Long time family friends won't be there so that leaves me with the possibility of the people that hate me and us being there. I can't face that this week.

I know in my heart that God doesn't punish us for stuff and that all the coinciding things just are--- however, right now--- I'm at a breaking point.

Gotta run and go reinspect a building that the people failed to obtain access to all units at the last appointment. I hope that they are there today. I don't have time to waste on this anymore.