Confession is supposed to be a good thing right?

So I have a huge confession to make. Well...it is only huge in that it was a lot of food and it is part of the reason that I am so huge.

I ate a large cheese pizza for lunch today. Well...most of it. There was one piece that I demolished and my loving prince of a cat stole the cheese from (and he ate it and now he wants food--I don't think so.) Why did I do it? I have been craving pizza but this was pretty nasty pizza...at least after the first two pieces it tasted pretty blah. I didn't eat yesterday...well, I ate some cheezits and some rolos yesterday. That's it. Today before the pizza I had some cheese nips and cherry zero. Yes, My eating sucks right now. I said before I am in a funk. It got worse over the weekend--Sunday to be exact and now I am going from not eating to binging again. I hate that cycle. I wish I could figure out how to stop it. I wish that when food doesn't taste good, that I could just say no. I wish that I had craved the salad and fruit in my fridge. I wish that I could have gone anywhere but to that pizza place today. I wish that after my detour I would have just found a different way home so that I wouldn't have stopped.

Where has my control gone? Did I ever really have it? yes, I know that I did. Yes, I know that I can choose to take a different way home if I don't feel I am strong enough to pass by some place without stopping. I know this, I have done this and I am not ashamed. Part of it has to do with going through some of my Pops stuff this weekend but some of it started before. If I don't gain control, I am going to end up very sick. If I don't gain control, I am going to gain all my weight back. If I don't gain control, I will never live the life I want to live. If I don't gain control....I will lose the life that I have. If I don't gain control.... if I gain control, I may end up not knowing who I am.

Funk

I am in a funk right now and I can't seem to get out of it. I know part of it is lack of exercise but I just can't seem to get to the gym. I try and then I just want to sit on the couch. Part of it is the house is a bloody disaster area. Mostly my fault most likely. We just have too much stuff. I have decided to free cycle a big table that I really wanted but has become the drop off point for every item in the house. Even if I keep it decorated, it is just in the way all the time. It will be harder to seat everyone at family gatherings but I would rather struggle the two or three times per year then look at a table full of crap the rest of the year.

It is going to take forever to get the house the way that I want it and that just makes me sad. We have lived here for four years and we need to paint some rooms and repaint rooms we already painted. I don't care what anyone says unless you live in a bubble, the walls get marked up. Sure we could spot paint, but I really need it to be refreshed---even if it is only one coat.

Can somebody please just pay a maid to do a deep cleaning of the bathroom and vaccuum once a month and to come in one time to clean the cabinet fronts? Please??

blah...I'm whining but such is life.

Added: Okay, I have some goals for today
1. I get to the gym

2. I get the reports from last week finished off

3. I cook a balanced meal for dinner even if just veggie burgers and soup

4. I call the hospital about a payment plan. (done, much easier than I thought)

5. I drink plenty of calorie free beverages for the day

Commitments

Yesterday I committed to completing 205 exercise minutes by the end of the day Wednesday. That averages out to 30 minutes per day. I definately think that it is doable. I would love to be more. Do you know how many I did yesterday?

ZERO

See... I get started and then when a snag hits, I can't pick up and roll again. I just need to do that. This week sleeping in has been more important than getting up and moving. I feel better but dh is stressing which in turn is making me stressed out. It is not his fault...it is mine.

So today...today I commit that by the time I go to sleep tonight I will have at least 35 minutes done since that is what I need to average to make 500 minutes by Wednesday.

I should have gone for a walk yesterday in the beautiful sunny but very windy weather. Oh well..no regrets.

TGIF except I have to work tomorrow.

Letter to my fellow gym members

Forgive me, because some of these sentiments are a few weeks old.

First off, to the 60 + year old women who are lifting weights and starting their workouts at my highest speed--Kudos. You are a great inspiration and I want to be you at your age.

Second, to the college frat boy who is always working weights. Here's some news, just because I only see you in the gym once a week or less, doesn't mean I do the same workout every day. Also, I am walking on a treadmill less than 3 feet away from you, while you are discussing my workouts with the older gentleman you just criticized, do you think that I can't hear you? I am the only female in a yellow shirt. I am not deaf even with my headphones on.

Third, to the older woman in the yellow sweater...who are you to be concerned about my workout. You are wearing a sweater to work out--what do you know about my fitness level. Just because you haven't seen me before, doesn't mean that I am a first timer. Thank you for your concern but please, don't worry about me. I am more worried about you surviving your workout in your turtleneck sweater. Find a sweatshirt or t shirt...it is the gym, you can dress down.

Fourth, to the lady who always says hello to me in the locker room. Thank you. I have said hello to others with no response. It can be an awkward place...but does it need to be silent. I appreciate you acknowledging me every time you see me. Hopefully I can do the same for someone else.

Fifth--to the college age guy who works the front desk. You don't need to be so intimidating. Just because I am not a hottie, doesn't mean that you can't be nice to me. It is your job...you are supposed to help others. Do the job that my fees pay you to do and get over yourself because the hotties are not looking at you. They are looking at the 30 year old gentleman with the huge muscles who is running on the treadmill. I know this because I am too.

Oh yea and I almost forgot...to the older gentleman who is always dropping his weights...I forgive you that only because you informed the boy who was criticizing you that I vary my workouts plenty and that he must not be very observant.


To anyone else, if you have some helpful knowledge for me, such as correcting my weight lifting form, please share it. If you want to encourage my fat butt to keep working out, please do. But if you are going to just tear me down a bit--shut your mouth.

Thanks for your time.

And so...

Still don't have much of a voice. But I am feeling better as the congestion and all the gunk cleared out for the most part. I'm guessing it was a bacterial infection that turned nasty since that stuff started clearing out right away with antibiotics. Last time I had this type of infection and I didn't go to the doctor I was still all gunky 10 days in-- so much improvement.

Dr was concerned about my blood pressure. She always is but I reminded her that we decided that I would try to control it without meds. Basically she told me to come in for my physical in March and if my BP is not down, it is back on meds I go. She has a right to be concerned. High BP runs on both sides for me. My father died before 55 from heart disease and my mom deals with several meds to keep hers in check. Both my paternal grandmother and my maternal aunt had heart attacks before the age of 60. Needless to say, I am the same body type as both of them. I need to get it in check. I knew it was all screwy again and I still took NyQuil. She was not nice about the fact that I took cold medicine as I have been taken off of allergy meds before because my bp is particularly sensitive to decongestants. Blah...I thought NyQuil no longer had a decongestant but I guess we have an old pack.

Probably doesn't help that I haven't done much exercise this week but it can be discouraging to be at the gym and just start coughing. I did do some walking and stretching at home the other day. Maybe I will get my butt to the gym today-it was part of my weekend goals.

In other news--eh, nothing to report. Just another month. Another cycle. Another...eh. Anyways.

Fade To Black

Fade to Black by Alex Flinn is a young adult fiction book. Similar to Nothing to Lose it tackles a heavy social issue in a manner that would appeal to a younger audience but is still sophisticated enough to capture an adult's attention. In this book the issue is HIV. A teenager, who is infected with the virus, transfers to a small town high school and has to deal with the fact that the school adminstration informed the entire school that he is HIV positive. That kind of disclosure is against the law but that isn't what the book is about. It is about how the student, his family, and the school deals with an assualt that puts the main character in the hospital. I would definately recommend this book to any parent who has children of junior high age or older. It tackles the sterotypes of an HIV infection well and it gives a new perspective on who can be infected.

Well...

Boy what a week. It started out innocent enough but work picked up again and I caught a cold. Not fun at all. DH has been working late for the last 2 weeks and sometimes that makes cooking a pain. I did try a few new things in the past 2 weeks though. I made a very simple chicken/broccoli/rice casserole but was told that it needed more flavor. I also made a beef/rice/mushroom/pepper/onion casserole that came out okay except that it was a bit too "soupy" for our tastes. I had mixed cream of mushroom soup with beef stock instead of milk and didn't measure it against the can as I should of. Overall though it has held up well for left overs.

Today is a lazy day but I already repaired the grout in the tub (with the wrong color but I don't care as long as there is no water leaking behind the tile) and finished a book. So...off to the gym. Such a boring life lately filled with work, work, and more work. One of these days we will get to have an adventure again...oh wait-we did, the Cubs convention. Okay So, I am just bogged down with work. I think I do it to myself. I think that things have to be turned around much faster than they really have to be at times. But alas, the faster I get stuff done, the more work I can take in, which equates to more money to save. Heh---the neverending circle.

Vacation days this year are going to be taken to work on the house, little things that we can do but never seem to have time to tackle the whole project all at once. Like painting, oh how we hate painting, but it really needs to be done. Not just all the areas that we never painted in the first place but we have lived here long enough that we need to paint the stuff that we first did when we moved in. The only exception is the closet. I also have this deep need to paint the garage, which most people find amusing but there is just something about our 4 years of scratches, lines, and dirt mixed with the probably 20 or so years before that. Most of the garage is plain drywall that as never been painted. I have no idea if it is the original drywall or not but even a garage deserves more than 25 years of grime on its walls.

And now... I am rambling, my mind is racing, and I need to get to the library and the gym. I get to go and pick up "YOU on a Diet" again. I had it before but there were requests for it I didn't get it finished. There are more requests for it again but hopefully it is still there...they said thru today.

Better get running-literally.

Have a happy weekend!

Well...it is finally up and running....

Only 3.5 hours of working on the entertainment center between the two of us. Only 3 temper uprisings between the 2 of us. Only 2 slightly banged up thumbs and 1 squished finger.

More damage and pain was inflicted when we moved part of the old entertainment center upstairs...we now have a new hole in the stairwell drywall. Now that it is 3, hopefully it will be the last one. I think that we need to just tear the whole stairwell and drywall down and start over :) Oh yeah, and dh squished me between the unit and the wall for a good 3 minutes. Needless to say it was quite the exiciting yet extraordinarily cold weekend. I still made it to the gym 2 times--GO ME!!


Anyways...back to the game!

Wow!

What a week and it isn't over yet. Heck, this next week is looking to be just as crazy at least for the first few days. The bad thing is when the weeks are crazy then my eating goes out the window along with working out. I did go to the gym this morning and am debating going back this evening before it closes. We are supposed to be putting together our new entertainment center but dh is not up to it at the moment. He has had a very stressful week at work and in fact didn't make it home before 8pm, most nights getting home around 10pm. Doesn't leave much down time at all.

Hopefully things will be okay on Monday, as I need him to help me babysit on Monday at my sister's request. My nephew likes spending time with him and would enjoy it if he could come over. So... that's all I know.

Better get back to working on the house. Not a lot of fun but most things aren't these days anyways.

Have a good weekend!