Saturday, August 16, 2008

Interesting conversation

As stated previously, I am currently in Physical therapy for my hip/back issue. My previous therapist ended up in the hospital on bedrest for the remainder of her pregnancy because she went into preterm labor. The baby really doesn't have much more room and the pregnancy is really stressing her petite body out. I am sure that she is not happy about it but she has been given the choice to deliver when she wants to at this point. So far she has resigned to the hospital imposed bedrest for at least the time being. I do hope that everything goes well for her and that she is blessed with a wonderful, healthy baby. But...

This meant that I was transferred to a different therapist. The transition has been fairly smooth so far as I only had a few sessions with the original therapist. Until yesterday the conversation was fairly pleasant and non intrusive. But we were talking about family since she used to live in the town that my husband grew up in and where we lived for the first two years of our marriage. However, yesterday the topic somehow turned to children and what not. When I explained that we were the only ones on DH's side without children (immediate family only) of course she said well sounds like it is about time for you... blah, blah. So I explained that we can't have children and that we are looking into adoption. (No, this is not an exaggeration, we are actually narrowing down the agencies to attend intro meetings to before the end of the year. We would have already gone to three but the times conflicted with the wedding and other commitments so we are hoping to catch at least one in September.)

Anyhow then she asked what PCOS was and what about IVF, yadda yadda. Of course she had a successful IVF story and shared her opinion about the dangers of adoption. She also shared how one of her extended family members was thrilled with her life since she decided not to adopt because of their fears of horrible children. Kid you not, she said that. Why is it that people think that a few bad experiences are the only stories out there? I am so thankful for the bloggers I read that have wonderful adoption experiences. Do I think that it is all going to be roses and sunshine? Heck no, but what DH and I have both learned from our families is that even bio children have issues and can make your life a living nightmare. There are no guarantees in raising children except that you are guaranteed the ride of your life in one way or another.

The backlash of this conversation continued into the evening when we went out to dinner. We are well... enthusiastic Cub fans to say the least. We didn't really have much planned for this weekend and too see the park empty in Florida really disappointed me. We could have packed up and gone. See, this is supposed to be an advantage to not having children they say... being impulsive and traveling whenever, where ever. But-- that is not our mindset. We have other responsibilities that preclude us from living some wild, jetset, childfree life. We tried to make it work but the available flights didn't work to allow us to at least complete part of our to do list and make it to appointments on Monday... ya know- work and such. Plus the cost was deemed prohibitive to us. We are just too darn frugal to be jet setting free living people I guess, especially at this time with the questionable future of my career. Not that I don't dream of these adventures, I do but to actually make the move and go for it? Not within my wiring, however, if it was a road trip away, it probably would have been fine.

The conclusion that I have come to over the past few months has been that there are personalities that are best suited for willingly living childfree. I have friends that have chosen this path (you all know who you are and I totally respect your decisions) and are well suited for this lifestyle. Their desires and goals are healthy. They are nurturing in other ways and have loads of wonderful characteristics. Unfortunately I just don't see those traits in myself. No matter what I am doing, or who I am dealing with, I have moments of "mothering". I have tried to change. Really, I have thought that we could just be the fun aunt and uncle as a mode to move on. And while, I still would love that title (DH has fun uncle title-- me, not so much), it is not all that I hoped to be. I really think that people are wired to be what they are supposed to be. Even when the most unlikely characters become parents, their true selves are show in their interactions with their children. We witnessed it during the prewedding dinner. One of the most unlikely people to be a good dad someday was just that... a wonderful dad. I know that children are not the key to happiness... having kids is mucho trabajar... but in the end if that is what is meant for our family, we need to "Make it so". I guess it is time to live up to the declaration I made at the lunch table when I was 16... "I won't ever be pregnant, I am going to adopt". I just wish it was as easy as that declaration was back then.


Kristi said...

First of all, your new therapist is a rude, ignorant twit IMO.

Second, I loved your post, and I agree. I think God has given the desire to some people and not to others. I have absolutely NO motherly feelings towards children of any age, especially not babies and toddlers. *shudder*

However, put a kitten in my arms or even an adult kitty and I melt. ;) Weird, eh?

I remember when I was single, in the year before I met Ken, I was talking to someone at work (I was a temp back then) about wanting to be married so badly and being afraid I'd never find someone who would love me like I needed. He told me that he believed that if God had put that desire in my heart so strongly that it was because he wanted to see me married to the right guy, and that I should pray for my future husband, even though I had no clue who it was. I started doing that, and it gave me a real sense of calm. It helped me through the lonely and impatient times.

OK, I'm babbling, but I'm so excited for you two and I'll be praying for your future child. :) I think adoption is one of the most selfless, wonderful things a couple can do. :) Tell your therapist to go jump off a cliff - I know lots and lots of people who have adopted who have very happy, healthy families. :)

Deb said...


Funny you bring the prayer advice up. In the book for the BBBT that I will be posting about tonight, the author talks about how prayer is helpful but you need to specify what you are praying about and for. It is "Eat, Pray, Love" which some have loved and others have hated. I still need to finish it but it has been pretty good so far.

jp said...

Hi there,
Thanks for checking in.
I'm still here, just not spending much time with the internet.
Glad to read you sound like you are in a good place!

Me said...

I get sooo tired of the a$$vise, well intentioned or not. At first it was infuriating, then it was annoying but now, it's just OLD. I want to look at people and say "Really? You're going to give me the SAME bad line? Really?" I usually manage to hold my tongue though. Usually.