Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Battles
There have been a lot of battles around here. Emotional, physical, mental, verbal, etc. Some have been won, others, well... not so much.
I had a meltdown on Sunday because I was supposed to start YAZ. The birth control pill. Part of the cause of the meltdown is the impact that it could have on my health. Blood clots, stoke, high blood pressure, etc. I had to stop taking birth control in the past because my BP got too high. The other cause of the meltdown was that it seems pretty ridicoulous to be taking birth control pills when you can't get preganant. My body doesn't work so why do I need to stop it from doing something it can't. Why are you taking them you ask? Because supposedly when the hormones are regulated by the birth control, the other parts of the body may function better. If the BCP can regulate my reproductive hormones, then theoretically, it should help my insulin level come down. Probably would work much better if I was eating low carb and taking my other meds but... I will get there.
I hate when I have meltdowns about something that comes naturally to so many other people. I hate feeling like I am a failure because I can't get pregnant. I hate feeling that the whole world is wondering if I actually am a woman since I don't work right. I hate feeling like I am not a good wife because I can't reproduce. Yes, I hate when my mind works in such a way that it seems to the most logical thing to do is to dissolve our marriage so that my DH can have the family that he wants with someone who can reproduce.
I think that this battle has been overcome, at least for now. I have started the YAZ and have taken it 3 days now. Nothing to fret over yet and I hope it stays that way.
I had a meltdown on Sunday because I was supposed to start YAZ. The birth control pill. Part of the cause of the meltdown is the impact that it could have on my health. Blood clots, stoke, high blood pressure, etc. I had to stop taking birth control in the past because my BP got too high. The other cause of the meltdown was that it seems pretty ridicoulous to be taking birth control pills when you can't get preganant. My body doesn't work so why do I need to stop it from doing something it can't. Why are you taking them you ask? Because supposedly when the hormones are regulated by the birth control, the other parts of the body may function better. If the BCP can regulate my reproductive hormones, then theoretically, it should help my insulin level come down. Probably would work much better if I was eating low carb and taking my other meds but... I will get there.
I hate when I have meltdowns about something that comes naturally to so many other people. I hate feeling like I am a failure because I can't get pregnant. I hate feeling that the whole world is wondering if I actually am a woman since I don't work right. I hate feeling like I am not a good wife because I can't reproduce. Yes, I hate when my mind works in such a way that it seems to the most logical thing to do is to dissolve our marriage so that my DH can have the family that he wants with someone who can reproduce.
I think that this battle has been overcome, at least for now. I have started the YAZ and have taken it 3 days now. Nothing to fret over yet and I hope it stays that way.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Ahhh...
Wow, it has been a weird week. At first, I was just trying to bail myself out of the work I was behind on from last week and then it just calmed down a bit too much. But, much to my chagrin, it has picked up again. I can't really complain. If I don't work, I don't make money. Next weekend though, I am taking the full 3 day weekend and planning on not writing up anything during it either. We have one party on Saturday but then I think we are sequestering ourselves to our property to get some work done! I originally wanted the deck redone and the fence painted by Memorial Day but right now I would just be happy with some flowers planted and the kitchen put together.
On the kitchen note... Latest pic
It actually looks different than that today but I am too lazy to run down and take another photo.
Anyhow, in other news, I start YAZ Sunday! Not sure if I should be excited or not. I haven't started my other meds because I, well uh, I , Uh,... I don't want to deal with the side effects. I am starting to wonder if something else is going on with my own stomach and that it instigates a, uh..., ugly response when the Metformin is added to the mix. So anyhow... I will start this med. I am attempting to wean off caffine so that if my bp is sensitive to this med that I won't have that working against me too--since I know that caffine raises my blood pressure.
Have a productive weekend!
On the kitchen note... Latest pic
It actually looks different than that today but I am too lazy to run down and take another photo.
Anyhow, in other news, I start YAZ Sunday! Not sure if I should be excited or not. I haven't started my other meds because I, well uh, I , Uh,... I don't want to deal with the side effects. I am starting to wonder if something else is going on with my own stomach and that it instigates a, uh..., ugly response when the Metformin is added to the mix. So anyhow... I will start this med. I am attempting to wean off caffine so that if my bp is sensitive to this med that I won't have that working against me too--since I know that caffine raises my blood pressure.
Have a productive weekend!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Today......
Today has been a day that has been a gamut of emotions. I volunteered this morning at the Epilepsy Walk. Fear and anticipation abounded but I was quickly put at ease.
While volunteering, I saw a variety of adults and children, who suffer from seizures. I was most astonished at the number of "tween" kids with seizure disorders that are not at a "normal" functioning level. Today, I found myself amazed and thankful that my husband made it through his grand mal years as mentally intact as he had. Believe me, he is not "normal" but ummm.... you can't tell that just by speaking with him once (well, most days) :) (ILMNWCBU) I found myself moved to tears from the sheer outpouring of support for the people that suffer from this condition and the various forms of seizures. There were several teenagers there walking for their friends. There was a large group of family and friends there in support of a small boy. There was a family who came in from another state to walk with their family member who has seizures and is mentally impaired from them. Many times today, I thought about my fear that any day a seizure can claim my husband's brain. Today, I realized just how... possible-reasonable-real-insert any synonym here... that fear is.
I came home, just happy that even though we have an imperfect life, we still have a life together. Annoying as that is at times, it is what it is. I sang today... lots. I was "giddy" in dh's words. I did something that I felt good about and I realized that no matter how cruddy life seems right now, no matter how much I know that it could be so much worse, it doesn't matter. Even the fact that the contractor didn't show up yesterday or today to finish stuff up didn't bother me.
So we ran the usual grocery shopping errand but buying very few groceries. We came back home, got ready for our dinner out, and ran out of the house. Dinner with my parents for Mother's Day was nice and uneventful. The service was a bit slow but nothing horrific. Food was wonderful and worth the wait. We talked about heading out to a store to get some other stuff but DH just wanted to get home. When we walked in the door...uhh... we got a big surprise. Apparently, our new neighbor's cat was locked in our house. Not just the garage-the house. With our cat, who has only ever seen another cat on the other side of the window. We were blessed with cat puke and poop throughout the house. Hopefully the black light was accurate and there is no urine. However, remember, we have boxes everywhere. I freaked out. Not yelling, just very very concerned for both cats. When we got home, they were both in the same room but we don't know what happened. Both cats appear to be fine. The other cat is probably more freaked out than N. but I think I am the most freaked out of all. Now the house just smells of DH's stomach issue gas and Woolite pet stain.
As I sat here at my computer tonight, reading emails, I came across a message that included this link . It was very poignant and I know why the person sent it to everyone in our family. My step dad is in the early to mid stage of dementia. He doesn't remember things all the time. Several of the items in the slides reminded me of my grandma.
Now, as I blog this, I realize that I haven't felt this sporadic since the last time I was in the 2WW and had a very real perceived chance of being pregnant. No... today, it was just all about the events. Most likely, that was the case previously but you can't always be objective when you are chasing a dream.
While volunteering, I saw a variety of adults and children, who suffer from seizures. I was most astonished at the number of "tween" kids with seizure disorders that are not at a "normal" functioning level. Today, I found myself amazed and thankful that my husband made it through his grand mal years as mentally intact as he had. Believe me, he is not "normal" but ummm.... you can't tell that just by speaking with him once (well, most days) :) (ILMNWCBU) I found myself moved to tears from the sheer outpouring of support for the people that suffer from this condition and the various forms of seizures. There were several teenagers there walking for their friends. There was a large group of family and friends there in support of a small boy. There was a family who came in from another state to walk with their family member who has seizures and is mentally impaired from them. Many times today, I thought about my fear that any day a seizure can claim my husband's brain. Today, I realized just how... possible-reasonable-real-insert any synonym here... that fear is.
I came home, just happy that even though we have an imperfect life, we still have a life together. Annoying as that is at times, it is what it is. I sang today... lots. I was "giddy" in dh's words. I did something that I felt good about and I realized that no matter how cruddy life seems right now, no matter how much I know that it could be so much worse, it doesn't matter. Even the fact that the contractor didn't show up yesterday or today to finish stuff up didn't bother me.
So we ran the usual grocery shopping errand but buying very few groceries. We came back home, got ready for our dinner out, and ran out of the house. Dinner with my parents for Mother's Day was nice and uneventful. The service was a bit slow but nothing horrific. Food was wonderful and worth the wait. We talked about heading out to a store to get some other stuff but DH just wanted to get home. When we walked in the door...uhh... we got a big surprise. Apparently, our new neighbor's cat was locked in our house. Not just the garage-the house. With our cat, who has only ever seen another cat on the other side of the window. We were blessed with cat puke and poop throughout the house. Hopefully the black light was accurate and there is no urine. However, remember, we have boxes everywhere. I freaked out. Not yelling, just very very concerned for both cats. When we got home, they were both in the same room but we don't know what happened. Both cats appear to be fine. The other cat is probably more freaked out than N. but I think I am the most freaked out of all. Now the house just smells of DH's stomach issue gas and Woolite pet stain.
As I sat here at my computer tonight, reading emails, I came across a message that included this link . It was very poignant and I know why the person sent it to everyone in our family. My step dad is in the early to mid stage of dementia. He doesn't remember things all the time. Several of the items in the slides reminded me of my grandma.
Now, as I blog this, I realize that I haven't felt this sporadic since the last time I was in the 2WW and had a very real perceived chance of being pregnant. No... today, it was just all about the events. Most likely, that was the case previously but you can't always be objective when you are chasing a dream.
Boldly go WHERE?
To the Loo of course
My trekkie husband, who has never even been to a Star Trek convention, but watches Voyager every night now that he can DVR it... just asked if we could do that to the office. Ummm............ Honey, I thought you wanted a Baseball theme, I don't think I can mesh CUBS and Star Trek all that well.
I really believe that flat would be an amazing sight.
My trekkie husband, who has never even been to a Star Trek convention, but watches Voyager every night now that he can DVR it... just asked if we could do that to the office. Ummm............ Honey, I thought you wanted a Baseball theme, I don't think I can mesh CUBS and Star Trek all that well.
I really believe that flat would be an amazing sight.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
PSA
Just a moment for a little grass roots PSA. I am volunteering this weekend for the walk that I did last year. It is for the local chapter of the Epilepsy Foundation. Last year, DH and I walked and raised about 350 dollars between us. My sister bested us by double! This year, none of us are walking for various reasons. I did decide to quell the stranger fear inside me and register to volunteer at the event. I got my assignment today and will be manning the banner where the local walkers sign to show they were there! I hope that it is a gorgeous day and that a bunch of money is raised.
This cause is near and dear to me because DH has a seizure disorder that he currently takes 6 pills a day to control. We are hopeful that with his doctor's help, he will start weaning from the meds sometime in the next year. However, it may not happen as he still has seizure activity. Not Grand Mals...but petite mals and if you didn't know it, you wouldn't guess it from talking to him. I know when his brain is misfiring-it is my job to do so. No one else would probably ever know. I hope and pray that I never face the day that his brain misfires in the wrong area and he doesn't talk again. It is a very real fear and a cure would make that go away. At the same time, I am very thankful that his disorder is controlled so well by the meds. He can drive, work, go shopping, do yardwork, and enjoy a bit of alcohol without the fear that any action may trigger a seizure. There are many people that aren't that lucky.
If you are so inclined.... add them to your charity list.
PSA over.
This cause is near and dear to me because DH has a seizure disorder that he currently takes 6 pills a day to control. We are hopeful that with his doctor's help, he will start weaning from the meds sometime in the next year. However, it may not happen as he still has seizure activity. Not Grand Mals...but petite mals and if you didn't know it, you wouldn't guess it from talking to him. I know when his brain is misfiring-it is my job to do so. No one else would probably ever know. I hope and pray that I never face the day that his brain misfires in the wrong area and he doesn't talk again. It is a very real fear and a cure would make that go away. At the same time, I am very thankful that his disorder is controlled so well by the meds. He can drive, work, go shopping, do yardwork, and enjoy a bit of alcohol without the fear that any action may trigger a seizure. There are many people that aren't that lucky.
If you are so inclined.... add them to your charity list.
PSA over.
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