Vacation and All That...

DH had his eye surgery last week. Everything went fine, he woke up quickly, and has been doing pretty well. Not too much pain but it certainly hasn't been the most comfortable thing for him. He has appeared to gain some depth perception so that is wonderful news. We will see if there are any more improvements the first week in August. Right now, he is eye is still red and he says that the sutures are still there but they should be dissolving away by the end of this week hopefully.

He spent a few days at home and I worked Monday, then had a seminar on Tuesday. Wednesday was the followup appointment and then the trip up north. It took us 7 hours to get up to our destination- a small lake on the Northwestern side of Wisconsin, near Taylor Falls, MN. I had to stop every hour or so because my AF was physco this month. I am blaming it on YAZ, which I stopped taking 2 days after it started. I ended up with a 9 day cycle this month and more than normal heavy days. Blah. I stopped taking the YAZ because I had an almost constant headache, swollen ankles, horrible fatigue,heart palpatations, and I was hot all the time even when I shouldn't have been. All which are high blood pressure symptoms for me. I didn't actually get it checked but the constant headache was enough for me to say no thanks. Plus I am allergic to one of the ingrediants I believe is in it. For the life of me, I couldn't find a list of inactive ingrediants in the package or online. Everytime I tried to call the manufacturer--- they were closed. Since I was getting a rash and now don't seem to be, I'm guessing it was the pills.

Upnorth we did our usual Thursday things. We missed Wednesday but that is okay because most likely I wouldn't have ordered pie anyhow. Friday was a bit screwy but it was okay. Saturday we left to come back here. We stopped at a truck stop type place for breakfast. There was a beautifully painted saw blade on the wall. I wish we could find the artist or someplace that sells her work because I would like to see other items that she paints on. We ran into an antique mall and I found quite a few things to decorate the kitchen with but since I am limited in the amount of money that I can spend at any one time on it, I walked out with only one item. So far I have spent a total of 7.20 on 4 items. I bought a corkscrew that has "2000" on top of it. I bought two things at Goodwill for 10 cents each but I am not exactly sure what they are, however, I believe that they are strainers. The other thing I bought was a "primitive utensil". It looks to be a mini roller and is definately something that I have never seen before. I am trying to find strange or not normally used kitchen utensils to hang on the soffit.

We got home late Saturday and then Sunday we were blessed with a gift of tickets to the Crosstown Classic. After an hour plus on the train and lots of walking, we watched our beloved Cubs win 3 to 0 from the nose bleed seats. I hate US cellular field's upper deck seats. The pitch of the seats is way too steep. We saw lots of people having problems and I still can't figure out how I did that a few years back with a cast on my leg!

Anyhow, since Monday it has been back to work and other weird things.

Nothing all that exciting but it was still too short. May I have a few more days off please?

Mean People Suck

I had every intention of coming here today and posting a positive post, however, mean people suck. Someone stole our birdfeeder out of our front yard today. We have an inkling but I really, really hope that it is wrong. I hope that there is a good explanation for it but unfortunately there probably isn't. If you don't like your neighbor feeding the birds then ask them nicely to move it to the backyard or explain why you wish they wouldn't do it at all...but don't steal their property. And while I am at it, why can't people close the gate when they open it? Good thing we don't have a dog yet.

BLAH!

Decisions

My husband and I have the longest decision making process in America it seems. It has often times frustrated those around us because it seems that we are procrastinating on major projects. The kitchen project was very frustrating for us because we didn't have time to make decisions the way that we would typically. Especially with a project that larger and costly.

Why is our time so long? Well... I am pretty impulsive and my husband is very methodical and needs to look at every angle before making the final decision. Most of the time, it works out that we meet in the middle and come up with a decision within a reasonable amount of time. Most of the time...

Decisions with large consequences usually take a long time to make. I am wondering if the kitchen project actually had an effect on our process. It seems that it may have in some ways. My dh decided to have a surgery on his eyes fairly quickly. Normally the good, bad, pros, cons, effects, etc would have taken weeks maybe months to sort out. It didn't and his surgery has been scheduled for a few weeks. It is this coming Friday... I am a bit nervous but it is an easy surgery and he is healthy so it should be okay. It will be the first time that he has ever been under full anesthesia. There are some risks just like for everyone but it will be okay. Worrying is not an calorie burning activity so there is no reason to do it.

Now, if only we could make the final landscaping decisions for the front it would be wonderful!

and so it goes....

Things around here are calming down for a bit. Work isn't quite as crazy, the kitchen functions as a kitchen again complete with food in the cabinets, my meds (knock on wood) seem to be agreeing with me, and the weather has been cool although a bit humid at times.

This calm before the storm won't last I'm sure... I only say that because today we went to get my DH's preop testing done. Next week he has his physical, we have to babysit, and his surgery is Friday. The following week he goes for a followup and we leave from there to go to the Lake to get away for our annual fishing trip with my inlaws. We won't be there as long as we would like and chances are it will be less active than normal due to DH's recovery but it should be good. Then we start the birthday party season for a bit... but hopefully they will all go smoothly.

Other than that... it is keep on trucking. I would like the house to be pretty clean before DH's surgery since we are leaving anyways a few days later. Plus we have some yard work to get done so no relaxing in store for this weekend :)

Anyhow... now, if I could just make myself go to the gym.............

Barren Bitches Book Tour

Over the past few weeks I have been reading this book for an infertility book tour. It is a non fiction book that reads like a novel. The individuals were exhibiting real emotions. I found it very interesting that the character who spoke most to my own personal feelings about this journey was the husband. There were several moments where I felt like I was reading my own thoughts.
I read aloud several passages to my husband. It was nice to find something in print that echoed my own fears and feelings.


Formal Book Tour Questions

When I read how if one had asked the author 10 years earlier, she would have said that she didn't even want children, I felt better. I guess deep down I always knew that I wanted children, but having had a severely mentally and physically handicapped sister, I was scared. It was comforting to read about another woman's ambivalence and feelings of guilt. When I found out that I was losing ovarian function I could not believe that there was a strong possibility that I would never have a biological child. That spurred in me a determination I had not had in many years. Have you ever felt ambivalence towards parenthood prior to receiving your diagnosis?

I have dealt with an ambivalent feeling since we received the news that we might be dealing with Male factor along with my PCOS and insulin resistant issues. The ambivalence has lead me to question every reason that we want to be parents and every route that we might have to take to parenthood. It seems that the fact that it is going to be "hard" has driven the questions to the front and I have had to face them. There are days that I struggle with our decision at this point to put everything on hold due to financial issues. There are days when I say, ah well, better that we aren't parents. There are days that I sit in the dark and weep until there are no more tears that I can't have what I want most in the world (at that moment). I really feel that for most people the decision to be a parent falls more into the gray category than black and white. However, I know several people that knew right away that they didn't want children and took measures to make sure that it wouldn't happen. I wish for that clarity everyday.

Orenstein's friend, Larry, says on p. 47, "you can only feel the loss of something you've had." Orenstein gives her thoughts on the matter on page 50. Do you agree with Larry or Peggy?

I agree with Peggy. I do believe that you can feel the loss of something that you have never had. I had a "presumed" miscarriage while a family member was pregnant. There are times, birthdays, funny moments when I definitely feel the loss of that potential child. It was never confirmed but there is nothing else that it could have been and it still leaves a hole in my heart at time. There is definitely a feeling of loss tied to the events that will never be.



"I felt like the luckiest unlucky woman in the world" (p. 57). This quote really struck me. Do we naturally grasp for the silver lining in things? Do we always have to convince ourselves that something makes us lucky in order to keep going through the difficulties of life?

Do "we"? I honestly think that it is a person by person and situation by situation basis. Personally, especially lately, I am much more pessimistic than I would care to admit. I don't see the good in something, I only see the bad. When did this change? I am not sure. It might have been after I faced the reality of my "presumed" miscarriage. It might have been after the semen analysis results. Or, it might have been after my father died. But there definitely is a difference of how I respond to things is life and I don't like it. I have noticed the difference over the four years... of course this corresponds to our unsuccessful four years of trying to conceive.



Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. This book club is open to everyone in the infertlity community so you can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.